What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet? Lost
A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. " Was he tall or was he short? " The businessman replies, " Both! "
Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears. " You know the deal, " says the genie. " Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each. " " Great, " says the audit partner. " Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for ever. " Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. " Now me, " says the tax partner. " Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever. " Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. The genie turns to the senior partner. " And what do you want? " " I want those two ba ck in the office straight after lunch. "
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, " I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that? " The owner replies, " I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant. "
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty- looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On a n impulse the auditor went up to him and said, " Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking? " And the bloke said " Tarpaulins. "
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
When do accountants laugh out loud? When somebody asks for a raise
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four- year- old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, " Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long- term capital gain? "
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. " I need someone with an accounting degree, " says the man, " but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me. " " How do you mean? " says the accountant. " I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters. " " OK, " says the accountant. " How much are you offering? " " You can start on seventy- five thousand, " says the owner. " Seventy- five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much? " " That, " says the man, " is your first worry. "
What does an accountant use for birth control? His personality.
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: " No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. " Oh, around $ 100, 000 a year, depending on the benefits package. " " Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22. 5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20, 000 kilometres, say a Mercedes convertible. " The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. " Wow. Are you kidding? " " Yeah. But you started it. "
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays? He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8. 30.
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing: " He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant. "
A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated to " The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: " Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg". The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown had a name. The resident replied, " As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, but as an accountant- Oy! He was something. "
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, " Want to hear an accountant joke? " The guy next to him replies, " Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke? " The first guy says, " No, I don't want to have to explain it two times. "
What's the definition of unlikely? A photo- spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants – Nude! '.
What would Economics be without assumptions? Accounting
" The auditors have just left, sir. " " Did they check the books? " " Very thoroughly. " " What did they say? " " They want 15% to keep quiet. "
Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind? A: None- just assume it's changed.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say? " Darling, could you tell me about your work. "
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
What does CPA stand for? Can't Produce Anything
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. " This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart. " The patient is pleased. He asks, " What were their jobs? " " One was a teacher and the other was an accountant. " " I'll take the accountant's heart, " says the patient. " I want one that hasn't been used. "
What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
A 54- year- old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: " Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary. " When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: " Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. "
How do you drive an accountant completely insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What does FCPA stand for? Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him. " How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don't you? " The young partner is offended. " Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern England. "
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant. Her friend asks, " Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago? " The business owner replies, " That's the accountant I've been searching for. "