A blonde was recently fired from an M& M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter. " I'm here for the paint job, " she said. " Alright, " said the man. " Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house. " The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating. After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, " I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh- squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. " All this was just too wonderful for words, " he said, " but what's the dollar for? " " Well, " she said, " last night, I told my husband that today would be...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, " Wanna hear a blonde joke? " In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, you should know something. " Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6'tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? " The blind guy says, " Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times. "
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida. As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying " Disney World Left! " After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said " Oh well! " and started driving back home.
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out " green side up! " In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled " green side up! " The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled " green side up! " The lady then asked him, " Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'? " " I'm sorry, " came the reply. " But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball. A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke. A4: You don't eat your bowling ball.
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, " When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times! "
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make- over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them. " If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one? " she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. " You have 171 sheep, " said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked. She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, " if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back? " The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. " You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog. "
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one- way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.
Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said " You know – it's blondes like that that give us a bad name! " To this, the other blonde replies " I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her. "
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head. " I need to take that walkman off your head, " says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde. " You can't! I'll die! " retorts the blonde. " I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears! " says the beauty specialist getting annoyed. " I said you can't take it off, or I'll die! " The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating " breath in, breath out, breath in".
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said " CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES. " By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island. One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes. All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each. The brunette said, " I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened. ", and poof her wish was granted. The redhead said, " I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened. ", and poof her wish was granted. Then the blond said, " I wish my friends were here with me. "
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving. The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord – – nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells " Oh! So you wanna race, huh? "
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them. The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, " There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack! "
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack. He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says " meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next. When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says " woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag. He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts " potato" to the officer.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite wine? A: " Daddy! can I go to Miami! Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A: Blow in her ear. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? A: There are some things even a blonde won't do. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved. Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning? A: They think someone is taking their picture. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline? A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline! Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box! Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag? A: " Mary… that's cute. What did you name the other...
Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A: Blow in her ear. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours? A: Write 'Please turn over'on both sides of a piece of paper
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340, 000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar. The brunette suggested, " There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal. " " That doesn't matter at all, " replied the blonde. " All that matters it that I am able to sell this car. " " Alright, " replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: " Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40, 000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car. " The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, " Did you sell your car? " " No! " replied the blonde. " Why should I? It only has 40, 000 miles on it. "
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, " Ready… Aim… " Suddenly the brunette yells, " earthquake!! " Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, " Ready… Aim… " The redhead then screams, " tornado!! " Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready… Aim… " The blonde shouts, " fire!! "
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, " I've kidnapped you. " She then wrote a note saying, " I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $ 10, 000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde. " The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $ 10, 000 with a note that said, " How could you do this to a fellow Blonde? "
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: " There are no fish in there". So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her. " How do you know there are no fish there? " asks the blonde. So the man cooly says " Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes. "
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening. " I finished the exam in a half hour, " she replies. " Now I'm rechecking my answers. "
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her. " How can I get to the other side of the river? " she shouts loudly. The other blonde replied " What for? You are already on the other side of the river! "
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do blonde braincells die? A: Alone. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together! Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg? A: Nothing. They've never met. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables! Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw " 911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane? A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much....
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, " go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them. " A red head said, " O. K., what's the capital of Wyoming? " The blonde replied, " Oh, that's easy, 'W'. "
BLONDE: " Excuse me, what time is it right now? " WOMAN: " It's 11: 25PM. " BLONDE: (confused look on face) " You know, it's the weirdest thing, I've asked that question thirty times today, and every time someone gives me a different answer. "
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft. Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours? A: Because the can said " concentrate" on it. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.