A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. " I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $ 1 a share. " " Buy me 1000 shares. " said the client. The next day the stock was at $ 2. The client called the broker and said, " You were right, give me 5000 more shares. " The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $ 4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, " Get me 10, 000 more shares said the client. " " Great! " said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $ 9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, " Sell all my shares! " The broker said, " To whom? You were the only one buying that stock. "
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son- in- law. " I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family, " said the man. " To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50- 50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations. " The son- in- law interrupted, " I hate factories. I can't stand the noise. " " I see, " replied the father- in- law. " Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations. " " I hate office work, " said the son- on- law. " I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day. " " Wait a minute, " said the father- in- law. " I just made you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you? " " Easy, " said the young man. " Buy me out. "
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $ 50, 000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, " Ask him where the money is. " The interpreter signs, " Where's the money? " r The deaf replies, " I don't know what you're talking about. " The interpreter tells the hood, " He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. " The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. " NOW ask him where the money is. " The interpreter signs, " Where is the money? " The deaf man replies, " The $ 50, 000 is in Central Park,...
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, " Can you float alone? " " Obviously, " the banker replied, " but this is a heck of a time to talk business. "
Monster: Stick 'em down. Ghost: Don't you mean, stick 'em up. Monster: No wonder I'm not making much money in this business.
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The Japanese team had six people rowing and one person steering and rowing; the American team had two people rowing and five people steering. After a year of study and thousands spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure for the American s was: one quality assurance manager, two steering managers, one area steering managers, and a new performance review manager for the two people rowing the boat to provide work incentive. That year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rowers for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
When the office photo- copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $ 100. 00, if he did the work. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, " Does your boss know you are discouraging business? " " Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers". " After people try first to fix things themselves, we end- up making much more money on repairs"
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site. The man says, " Can you brew tea? " The Irishman says, " Yes. " " Good. Can you drive a fork lift? " The Irishman looks at him and asksy, " Why? How big is the teapot? "
ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, " I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today. " The first student raised her hand to volunteer. " Marcy, " the teacher said. " You may go first. " Marcy replied, " My father is a banker. B- A- N- K- E- R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny. " The teacher said, " Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next? " Kevin stood up and announced, " My father is a baker. B- A- K- E- R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly- baked cookie. " " Very good, " the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, " My father is an accountant. A- K, no wait, A- C- K, no…" n Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back...
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, " I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours. " The banker said, " Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him. "
What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory? You can hear a cough drop.
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays? Because business was very light.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter… " And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, " When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too! "
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of " Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some t ime and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that " too many people were steering and not enough rowing. " To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to " 4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. " We must give him empowerment and enrichment. " That ought to do...
" I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance… she leaned over and pushed me. "
What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees? If at first you don't succeed – you're fired!
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. " Listen, " said the CEO, " this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me? " " Certainly, " the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button. " Excellent, excellent! " says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. " I just need one copy. "
A frog goes into the bank and asks the teller for a loan. The teller tells the frog to see Mr. Paddywack, the loan officer. Mr. Paddywack looks at the frog and says, " What do you have for collateral? " The frog pulls out of his pocket a solid silver elephant. Mr. Paddywack looks at the elephant and says, " I don't know. I'm going to have to ask Mr. Larson, the bank manager to approve this. " He goes into Mr. Larson's office and comes back. Two minutes later, Mr. Larson comes out with the elephant and says, " It's a knick- knack Paddywack, give the frog a loan! "
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. " Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked! " " That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday? "
" The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man. " – Jay Leno
On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, 'I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof. 'Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof. 'Now, 'said his father, 'when I say, " Jump, " I want you to jump off the roof. ''But, Dad, 'said the boy, 'there's a huge drop! ''Do you want to succeed in business? ''Yes, Dad. ''And you trust me, don't you? ''Yes, Dad. ''So do as I say and jump. 'The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him. That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone. '
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie…. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog- eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. " Well, kid, " says the genie. " You know how it works. You have three wishes. " " I'm not falling for this. " says the man. " I'm not going to trust a used car salesman! " " What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! " The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. " OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink. " * * * POOF* * * The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, " T- square, do your stuff! ". T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Slide Rule, do your stuff! ". Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, " Measure, do your stuff! ". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured ex actly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, " What can your dog do? ". The Government Worker called to his dog and said, " Coffee Break, do your stuff! ". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the...
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. " What's the matter? " grumbled the boss. " Haven't you got a sense of humor? " " I don't have to laugh, " she replied. " I'm leaving Friday. "
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $ 100, 000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, " I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money? "
There was once a high- powered businessman who insisted on taking his three secretaries everywhere with him – a tall one for writing longhand, a short one for taking down shorthand, and a very small one for adding footnotes.
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, " I'm a walking economy. " The friend replies " How so? " " My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression! "
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, " My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules – – make sure th e captain is aboard before getting under way! "
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, " Say, why did the foreman fire you? " Replied the second, " Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman. "
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in- house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. " As I'm sure you can understand, " she started off with one of the first applicants, " in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question. " She leaned forward. " Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer? " " Honest? " replied the job prospect. " Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $ 15, 000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case. " " Impressive. And what sort of case was that? " asked the investment counselor. The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, " He sued me for the money. "
Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.
The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American's team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. " You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution, " screamed the terrorist leader, " and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests? " The Englishman spoke first. " Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing " God Save The Queen" to all you men. " " That can be arranged, " said the terrorist. The Frenchman said, " And I want to honor my country before I die by singing " The Marseilles" to your men. " The Japanese said, " Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management. " The terrorist turned finally to the America n. " What is your last request? " The American replied, " I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management! "