Celebrities

Solve the riddle

Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns'was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi'swhat is it? A last name……. Were you thinking of something else?

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and…

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like toshow him a trick. " I will", replies a guy in the audience, " but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table. " " Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and startsfucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, " That isn't a trick!!! " The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, " I know, it's fucking magic. "

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks…

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, " Is God male or female? " After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, " Well, honey, God isboth male and female. " This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, " Is God black or white? " " Well, God is both black and white. " This further confuses him so he asks, " Is God gay or straight? " At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, " Honey, God is both gay and straight. " At this Little Johnny? s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, " Mom, is God Michael Jackson? "

Michael Jackson and the doctor…

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking outof the delivery room after his wife gives birthto their son. Michael says, " How long before wecan have sex? " The doctor says, " At least wait until he's walking. "

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter…

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: " Oh dear, what happened to you? " Di answers: " I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: " My God, you look terrible. " Dodi replies: " This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver. " Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: " So you're the driver? " " No, I'm Mother Theresa.

Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson

More Jesse news… Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to thepopulation for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, whichwould require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation. Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Good news and bad news

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiouslyawaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. " Kid's……there's good news and bad news. " " The bad news is your mother's strength and will tolive has been sucked away by her awful disease and shedied a few moments ago" " The good news is…. It's steak and chips for dinner! "

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS

IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name " Beer". All girls have to do is buy a " Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no- strings- attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter…

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: " What does the cow say? " Child: " Moooo! " Mother: " Great! What does the cat say? " Child: " Meow. " Mother: " Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say? " And this wide- eyed little three- year- old looked up at her mother and replied, " Bud. "

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant…

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. " Superman don't need no seat belt, " Ali growled. " Well, Superman, " the stewardess replied, " don't need no airplane! "

Stick your tongue out…

Stick your tongue out. Move it up and down. Relax. Now move it left and right. Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats…

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, " Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat. " The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. " Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager. " Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, " All right buddy, what's your name? " " Sam, " the man moaned. " Where ya from, Sam? " With pain in his voice Sam replied " the balcony. " Sent by Zena

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned…

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedto an attendant standing nearby. " This, " she said, " I suppose, is one of thosehideous representations you call modern art? " " No, madam, " replied the attendant. " That one's called a mirror. "