Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns'was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi'swhat is it? A last name……. Were you thinking of something else?
David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like toshow him a trick. " I will", replies a guy in the audience, " but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table. " " Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage. He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and startsfucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, " That isn't a trick!!! " The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, " I know, it's fucking magic. "
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car? Neither has he.
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, " Is God male or female? " After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, " Well, honey, God isboth male and female. " This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, " Is God black or white? " " Well, God is both black and white. " This further confuses him so he asks, " Is God gay or straight? " At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, " Honey, God is both gay and straight. " At this Little Johnny? s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, " Mom, is God Michael Jackson? "
Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking outof the delivery room after his wife gives birthto their son. Michael says, " How long before wecan have sex? " The doctor says, " At least wait until he's walking. "
Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: " Oh dear, what happened to you? " Di answers: " I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: " My God, you look terrible. " Dodi replies: " This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver. " Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: " So you're the driver? " " No, I'm Mother Theresa.
Heard about Salman Rushdie's sequels to " Satanic Verses"? 1) Buddha, you Fat Fucking Bastard, 2) Jesus was a Lousy Carpenter.
What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hourwaiting for a two minute ride!!
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with…. the other is used to carry groceries.
Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles? It seems that no- one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.
Who's got long blonde hair and big tits, and lives in Melbourne, Australia? Salman Rushdie.
What do you call Batman and Robbin run over? Flatman and Ribbon. Sent by Matias
Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson'sdreams every night?? A: Hansons.
Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. Homer: Why you little – -!
More Jesse news… Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to thepopulation for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite her fascination with variation. This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, whichwould require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation. Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson
If Britney Spears and Fat Bastard mated, the resulting child would be: Anna Nicole Smith. Sent by Marisa
The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiouslyawaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. " Kid's……there's good news and bad news. " " The bad news is your mother's strength and will tolive has been sucked away by her awful disease and shedied a few moments ago" " The good news is…. It's steak and chips for dinner! "
Q: What did O. J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex- wife? A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in?
IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO OUT TO CLUBS OR BARS Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. Girlfriends, take heed!! There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the street name " Beer". All girls have to do is buy a " Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no- strings- attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.
What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: " What does the cow say? " Child: " Moooo! " Mother: " Great! What does the cat say? " Child: " Meow. " Mother: " Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say? " And this wide- eyed little three- year- old looked up at her mother and replied, " Bud. "
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book? A: It's called, " The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Here's a gross one: What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds? They both stick their beef between 9 year old buns.
Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. " Superman don't need no seat belt, " Ali growled. " Well, Superman, " the stewardess replied, " don't need no airplane! "
Stick your tongue out. Move it up and down. Relax. Now move it left and right. Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.
I went past a plastic surgeon's shop the other day and saw Michael Jackson picking his nose.
What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky? Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing? The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, " Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat. " The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. " Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager. " Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, " All right buddy, what's your name? " " Sam, " the man moaned. " Where ya from, Sam? " With pain in his voice Sam replied " the balcony. " Sent by Zena
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers " coming out"? They're called " dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turnedto an attendant standing nearby. " This, " she said, " I suppose, is one of thosehideous representations you call modern art? " " No, madam, " replied the attendant. " That one's called a mirror. "
What's black and white and comes in little cans? Michael Jackson
Q: What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair? A: The front row of a Hanson concert
What did Marv Albert do after NBC gave him the pink slip? He put it on.
Here's a lame one…. What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? Chocolate- chip cookie DOH!