" What were you before you came to school, boys and girls? " asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say " babies. " She was disappointed when all the children cried out, " Happy! "
'You boy! 'called a policeman. 'Can you help? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called Cotters……''Really? 'said the boy. 'What're his ears called? '
'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma? '
Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his teacher told him how he felt. I feel with my hands Miss!
Boy: Grandma, do you know how to croak. Grandma: No, I don't think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says he'll be a rich man when you do.
As two boys were passing the rectory, the minister leaned over the wall and showed them a ball. " Is this yours" he asked " Did it do any damage" asked one of the boys " No" replied the minister " Then it's mine! "
Two girls were talking in the corridor. 'That boy over there is getting on my nerves, 'said Clarrie. 'But he's not even looking at you, 'replied Clara. 'That's what's getting on my nerves, 'retorted Clarrie.
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, " You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy? "
Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test? Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.
Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to know the time, so they began singing at the top of their voices. Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted down at them " Hey, less noise!, don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning! "
A little girl was next in line. 'My name's Curtain, 'she said. 'I hope your first name is not Agnate? ''No, it's velvet! '
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, " Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup? " Her grandson replied, " You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup. "
Fred: Where does the new kid come from? Harry: Alaska. Fred: Don't bother – I'll ask her myself.
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, 'Well, you know the Pacific Ocean? My father's the one who dug the hole for it. 'Bill wasn't impressed, 'Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea? My father's the one who killed it!
On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other. 'I come from a one- parent family, 'said one little girl proudly. 'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family! '
A father is asked by his friend, " Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up? " " Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector, " he replies To this his friend responds, " Strange ambition to have for a career. " " Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays! "
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. " Mommy, look what I found, " the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear? " his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: " It's Adam's clothes!!!!! "
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. " Hey kid, " he shouted. " Why don't you go outside and play? "
Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. 'Would you like another cookie? 'she asked. 'Yes, please, 'replied Jimmy. 'What good manners you have, 'said his Gran. 'I do like to hear young people say 'please'and 'thank you'. ''I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of that cake, 'replied Jimmy!
Mother: I told you not eat cake before supper. Daughter: But, Mum, it's part of my homework. 'If you take an eighth of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.
Father: What did you learn in school today? Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six! Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then!
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart, 'thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! 'Then the child spoke to the instrument: " Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order? "
I had a funny dream last night, Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was asleep.
Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet? Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!
Mary arrived home from school covered in spots. 'Whatever's the matter? 'asked her mother. 'I don't know, 'replied Mary, 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals. '
Father: You've got 4 D's and a C on your report. Son: " Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject! "
A mother was teaching her 3- year- old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. " Lead us not into temptation, " she prayed, " but deliver us some E- mail, Amen. "
Young Vestal was walking in his Florida backyard when an alligator bit him. " Mama! " yelled the boy. " A gator jus'bit off mah foot! " " Which one? " called his mother from inside the cabin. " How the hell should Ah know?! " he shrieked. " They all look alike to me! "
'Why are you crying, Ted? 'asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt. ''That's because you have put them on the wrong feet. ''But they are the only feet I have. '
Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted? Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, " Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits? " As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, " Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there? " She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, " I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit. "
An honest seven- year- old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. " How did that happen?, " gasped her mother. " It wasn't easy, " admitted the young lady, " but three girls helped me catch him! "
Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and Ben was watching and occasionally helping. 'What are the holes for? 'Ben asked. 'They're knot holes, 'said his dad. 'What are they, then, if they're not holes? 'asked Ben.
Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can't read his paper. Jackie: Wow, I'm only eight and I can read it