Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test? Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.
Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to know the time, so they began singing at the top of their voices. Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted down at them " Hey, less noise!, don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning! "
A little girl was next in line. 'My name's Curtain, 'she said. 'I hope your first name is not Agnate? ''No, it's velvet! '
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, " Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup? " Her grandson replied, " You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup. "
Fred: Where does the new kid come from? Harry: Alaska. Fred: Don't bother – I'll ask her myself.
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, 'Well, you know the Pacific Ocean? My father's the one who dug the hole for it. 'Bill wasn't impressed, 'Well, that's nothing. You know the Dead Sea? My father's the one who killed it!
On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other. 'I come from a one- parent family, 'said one little girl proudly. 'That's nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family! '
A father is asked by his friend, " Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up? " " Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector, " he replies To this his friend responds, " Strange ambition to have for a career. " " Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays! "
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. " Mommy, look what I found, " the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear? " his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: " It's Adam's clothes!!!!! "
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. " Hey kid, " he shouted. " Why don't you go outside and play? "
Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. 'Would you like another cookie? 'she asked. 'Yes, please, 'replied Jimmy. 'What good manners you have, 'said his Gran. 'I do like to hear young people say 'please'and 'thank you'. ''I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of that cake, 'replied Jimmy!
Mother: I told you not eat cake before supper. Daughter: But, Mum, it's part of my homework. 'If you take an eighth of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.
Father: What did you learn in school today? Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six! Son: I guess I didn't learn anything today then!
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart, 'thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! 'Then the child spoke to the instrument: " Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order? "
I had a funny dream last night, Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was asleep.
Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet? Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes!
Mary arrived home from school covered in spots. 'Whatever's the matter? 'asked her mother. 'I don't know, 'replied Mary, 'but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals. '
Father: You've got 4 D's and a C on your report. Son: " Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject! "
A mother was teaching her 3- year- old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. " Lead us not into temptation, " she prayed, " but deliver us some E- mail, Amen. "
Young Vestal was walking in his Florida backyard when an alligator bit him. " Mama! " yelled the boy. " A gator jus'bit off mah foot! " " Which one? " called his mother from inside the cabin. " How the hell should Ah know?! " he shrieked. " They all look alike to me! "
'Why are you crying, Ted? 'asked his mum. 'Because my new sneakers hurt. ''That's because you have put them on the wrong feet. ''But they are the only feet I have. '
Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted? Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me!
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, " Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits? " As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, " Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there? " She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, " I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit. "
An honest seven- year- old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. " How did that happen?, " gasped her mother. " It wasn't easy, " admitted the young lady, " but three girls helped me catch him! "
Ben's dad was building a pine bookshelf and Ben was watching and occasionally helping. 'What are the holes for? 'Ben asked. 'They're knot holes, 'said his dad. 'What are they, then, if they're not holes? 'asked Ben.
Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can't read his paper. Jackie: Wow, I'm only eight and I can read it
Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners. Son: But, Mum, I don't want three school dinners, one is more than enough!
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, " I bet I know what it is – flowers! " " That's right! " said the boy, " but how did you know? " " Just a wild guess, " she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, " I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy! " " That's right! But how did you know? " asked the girl. " Just a lucky guess, " said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. " Is it wine? " she asked. " No, " the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. " Is it champagne? " she asked. " No, " the boy replied. The teacher then said, " I give up, what is it? " The boy replied, " A puppy! "
A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the kid says " oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old" the old man replies " i'm sure he did kid. but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate " oh no sir" says the kid, it was by minding his own business!
Dick and Jane were arguing furiously over the breakfast table. 'Oh you're so stupid! 'shouted Dick. 'Dick! 'said their father, 'that's quite enough of that! Now say you're sorry. ''OK, 'said Dick. 'Jane, I'm sorry you're stupid. '
Trevor: That's a cool pair of stockings you have on Jill. One red and one green. Jill: Yes, and I have another pair just like it at home.
Son to his father as they watch television: " Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel. "
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, " And now what, my little man? " The boy replies, " Now we run! "
Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus? He ended up in a flea circus!