Clean Jokes

Motherinlaw's Funeral

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother- in- law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

…..olympics

Why isn't Mexico in the olympics?…Because everyone that can swim, jump, climb, and sprint are already over the Border..

What's on your back?

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured. The head of the tribe says to the German, " What do you want on your back for your whipping? " The German responds, " I will take oil! " So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, " What do you want on your back? " " I will take nothing! " says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. " What will you take on your back? " the Amazons ask the American. He responds, " I'll take the Mexican. "

A Son's Love

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, " For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the Money! " At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: " Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here. "

Jump out of the plane!

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive. " The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, " God Save The Queen, " and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, " Viva La France, " and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, " Remember the Alamo, " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Chinese and Spielberg

A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he seesSteven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, " You Chinese peoplebombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here. " The astonished Chinese man replied, " It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". " Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese your all the same, " replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, " You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship. " Shocked, Spielberg replies, " It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me. " The Chinese man, replies, " Iceberg, Spielberg, Carsberg, you're all the same. "

irish … light bulb joke

How many Irishmen does it take to replace a light bulb? 30, 2 to hold the light bulb and 28 to drink till the room starts spinning.

a nerd, a nude, and a bike

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, " Where did you get such a nice bike? " The second nerd replied, " Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want! '" The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, " Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit. "

Bigfoot

Why did the runner quit the race against bigfoot? He couldn't face defeet!!

Death becomes nerd

A truck driver hauling a tractor- trailer load of computers stops in a bar for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying " NERDS NOT ALLOWED- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! " He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says, " You smell kind of nerdy, and just what do you do for a living? " The truck driver says, " I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling. " The bartender says, " OK, truck drivers are not nerds, " and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks, " Why did you do that? " The bartender said, " Oh, don't worry, the nerds are over- populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license. " So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out...

Had too much Christmas cheer?

1. You know you have if you… notice your tie sticking out of your fly. 2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. 3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. 5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. 6. You strike a match and light your nose. 7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad. 8. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you. 9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 11. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party's at your place. 12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. 14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 17. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

10 Signs Your Amish Teen's In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full " Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, " Thou sucketh! " 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by " Jeb Daddy. " 5. Defiantly says, " If I had a radio, I'd listen to disco!. " 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: " Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening. " 2. Was recently pulled over for " driving under the influence of cottage cheese. " 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Final Examination

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. " Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump? " asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, " Well Doc, I can't swim! "

1. Your salary is less than your…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your potted plants stay alive. 3. Shacking in a twin- sized bed seems absurd. 4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 5. You have to pay your own credit card bill. 6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well- balanced meal. 7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year. 8. 8: 00a. m. is not early. 9. You have to file for your own taxes. 10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. 11. You're not carded anymore. 12. You carry an umbrella. 13. You learn that " Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass. 14. " Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15. " Twenty- something" means over- qualified, under- paid, and not married. 16. Your friends marry instead of hook- up, and divorce instead of break- up. 17. You start watching the weather channel. 18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe. 19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack. 20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run. 22. You go to parties that the police don't raid. 23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front...

Did you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to " put your two cents in"…but it's only a " penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they " slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're...

Accountants and Engineers on a Train

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. " How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? " asks an accountant. " Watch and you'll see, " answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, " Ticket, please. " The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. " How are you going to travel without a ticket? " says one perplexed accountant. " Watch and you'll see, " answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into...

God vs Satan

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $ 3. 20 double- cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, " You want fries with that? ", and Man said, " Super size them. " And Man gained pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, " Try my crispy fresh salad. " And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert. And Woman gained pounds. And God said, " I have sent you heart- healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them. " And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels. And Man gained pounds. And God said, " You're running up the score, Devil. "...

You know you drink too much coffee when…

1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you. 2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails. 3. You can jump- start your car without cables. 4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. 5. You can't remember your second cup. 6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug. 7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house. 8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. 9. You don't sweat – – you percolate. 10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

Math

Why is math always sad? Because it has too many problems.

How To Be Annoying (A Guide)

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you " like it that way. " Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti- theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive- through order is " to go. " Set alarms for random times. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Honk and wave to strangers. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of " Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: " Do you hear that? " " What? " " Never mind, it's gone now. " Light road flares...

The Cow and the Chicken

So there is a cow and a chicken. And the cow goes… Baak! Baak! LOL (why would a cow go baak!?! ) LOLAnd… LOL…the chicken goes…LOL…Moo! LOL(why would a chicken say moo!?! )….

Top Ten Subtle Differences Between College And Hell

10. It doesn't snow in Hell. 9. Everyone has heard of Hell. 8. It's more fun getting into Hell. 7. You can't fail out of Hell. 6. At least you can sleep in Hell. 5. Hell is forever, college just seems like it. 4. People smile in Hell. 3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell. 2. You know there are hot men in Hell. 1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to college.

45 Cool Things To Do In A College Dorm Shower Stall

1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, " I didn't know I had one of THOSE! " 2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over. 3. Ask Scottie to beam you up. 4. Enter the stall, undress and then re- dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower. 5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim " Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those. " Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see. 6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune " It's a Small World After All. " 7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks...

50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: " Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP! " 4. Whistle the first seven notes of " It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: " Got enough air in there? " 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside- down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: " Noogie patrol coming! " 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go " plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then...

Proof That Santa Doesn't Exist – For Nerds!

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967. 7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0. 78 miles per household; a total trip of 75. 5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks....