Criminal jokes

A stupid bank robber rushed into…

A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, " This is a muck up! " " Don't you mean a stick up? " asked the girl. " No, " said the robber, " it's a muckup. I've forgotten my gun. "

A woman woke her husband in…

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. " There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning. " " Who shall I call, " her husband asked, " police or ambulance? "

A boy is in a prison…

A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out? Through the doorway – there were no doors remember!

Bill: Where did you get that…

Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

A shoplifter was caught red- handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry…

A shoplifter was caught red- handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. " Listen, " said the shoplifter, " I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this? " The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, " This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive? "

A computer geek goes to prison…

A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown. The geek passes out. The big guy fans him and brings him too. Why did you pass out he asked? The geek replies, what did you say your name was? Turner Brown he replies. Oh God the geek says I thought you said " TURN AROUND".

Judge: You claim you robbed the…

Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till? Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.

It was Rocky's first night in…

It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out " 44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called " 16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called " 62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. " Yeah, whaddaya want? " came the gruff reply from next door. " What's going on, here? " asked Rocky. " Well, " said the other inmate, " down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number. " So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found r the yellowed, dog- eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out " 44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling " 16" and " 62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was...