A stupid bank robber rushed into a bank, pointed two fingers at the clerk and said, " This is a muck up! " " Don't you mean a stick up? " asked the girl. " No, " said the robber, " it's a muckup. I've forgotten my gun. "
Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
What kind of party do prisoners in jail like most of all. A going- away party.
A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car… Who is driving the car? A police officer!
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. " There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning. " " Who shall I call, " her husband asked, " police or ambulance? "
Policeman: Did you know your vehicle was reported stolen? Criminal: It wasn't when I took it.
What stars go to jail? Shooting stars.
Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
Fred: We had a burglary last night, and they took everything except the soap and towels. Harry: The dirty crooks.
A boy is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors: there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the jailers find him gone. How did he get out? Through the doorway – there were no doors remember!
Why would someone in jail want to catch the measles? So he could break out.
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!
Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
'It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike, 'said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why? ''I've put a file in your cake. '
Who was the world's greatest thief? Atlas, because he held up the whole world!
What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up? Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
What did the burglar say to the lady who caught him stealing her silver? I'm at your service, ma'am.
Why do pens get sent to prison? To do long sentences!
A shoplifter was caught red- handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. " Listen, " said the shoplifter, " I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this? " The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, " This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive? "
Judge: Why did you steal that bird? Prisoner: For a lark, sir.
How do bank robbers send messages? By flee mail!
What was the parrot doing in prison? It was a jail- bird!
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown. The geek passes out. The big guy fans him and brings him too. Why did you pass out he asked? The geek replies, what did you say your name was? Turner Brown he replies. Oh God the geek says I thought you said " TURN AROUND".
Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till? Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.
What hired killer never goes to jail? The exterminator.
Why are burglars such good tennis players? Because they spend such a lot of their time in courts!
It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out " 44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called " 16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called " 62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. " Yeah, whaddaya want? " came the gruff reply from next door. " What's going on, here? " asked Rocky. " Well, " said the other inmate, " down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number. " So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found r the yellowed, dog- eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out " 44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling " 16" and " 62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was...
I think I hear burglars, dear. Are you awake? No!
What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.
Who is the biggest gangster in the sea? Al Caprawn!
Newsflash: Two criminals have escaped from prison today. One is orange and 9ft tall, and the other green and yellow and 2ft Gin tall. The police are searching high and low for them.
Judge: Tell me your occupation. Prisoner; I'm a locksmith, Your Honour. Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you? Prisoner; Making a bolt for the door!
Who is the strongest thief? A shoplifter.
What do you call a robbery in China? A Chinese take away!
Did you hear about the burglar who fell in the cement mixer? Now he's a hardened criminal.