Dead and dying jokes

Did you hear about the do- it- yourself funeral? They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.

If a woman is born in Italy, grows up in England, goes to America and dies in Baltimore, what is she? Dead.

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. " There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it! " " Oh, my God! " says his friend. " Surely he must have died! " " Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days! "

Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?

Vampire 1: " I once went so long without fresh blood that I nearly died. " Vampire 2: " How awful! " Vampire 1: " Yes. Fortunately, I found some in the neck of time. "

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER – – GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.

Why do you want to be buried at sea? Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.

I've been e- mailing William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare's dead, silly. No wonder he hasn't replied.

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. " Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea. " So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, " Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea. "

What is the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes and the other decomposes.

I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week. Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

What is the last thing you eat before you die? You bite the dust.

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. " Message? " she sputtered. " Well, I guess, 'You will be missed. " 'Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: " I guess you will be missed. "

What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies? A dead cat.

A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. " I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died, " said the monster. " Certainly, sir, " said the undertaker, " but there was really no need to bring him with you. "

What did the little kid do with the dead battery? He buried it.

Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: " Leave it to Beaver. "

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years? Pete.

Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head? It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!

What is posthumous work? Something written by someone after they are dead!

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, " Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute. " The man said, " Do me a favor and throw it out the window! "

What's a zombie's favorite pop song? Dead sails in the sunset.

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, " Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree? " " Course not, " replied the Sheriff. " We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you. "

Why did the cowboy die with his boots on? Because he didn't want to stub his toe when he kicked the bucket!

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because people are dying to get in.

What do you find in a zombie's veins? Dead blood corpuscles.

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted " Avalanche! " The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted " Flood! " and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted " Fire! "

When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave? Rust in peace!

Where do ghosts go for their holidays? The Dead Sea.

At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. " Yes, " she replied. " He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin…"

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon? Because he was dead!

First ghoul: You don't look too well today. Second ghoul: No, I'm dead on my feet.

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate. " Jack", says the man, " Your wife just died yesterday!! " His friend looks up and says, " In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing? "

What are you doing? I'm trying to call Washington! Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!