Dead and dying jokes

A man is fibbing away about…

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. " There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it! " " Oh, my God! " says his friend. " Surely he must have died! " " Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days! "

An English guy was very ill…

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER – – GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on…

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. " Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea. " So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, " Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea. "

Phoning the florist to order some…

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. " Message? " she sputtered. " Well, I guess, 'You will be missed. " 'Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: " I guess you will be missed. "

A man was sitting in the…

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, " Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute. " The man said, " Do me a favor and throw it out the window! "

The man who was about to…

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, " Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree? " " Course not, " replied the Sheriff. " We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you. "

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a…

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted " Avalanche! " The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted " Flood! " and escaped. The teacher was then lead out. The squad took aim and the teacher, remenbering how the other two had escaped, shouted " Fire! "

At the inquest into her husband's…

At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning Mrs Wally was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words. " Yes, " she replied. " He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin…"

A man is calling on his…

A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room kissing a mate. " Jack", says the man, " Your wife just died yesterday!! " His friend looks up and says, " In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing? "