Dead and dying jokes

A dying man smells his favorite…

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells: " No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral! "

"Do you believe in life after…

" Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. " Yes, Sir, " the new employee replied. " Well, then, that makes everything just fine, " the boss went on. " After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you. "

A chap went up to the…

A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, " Have you got any books about committing suicide? " The librarian said, " Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf. " The chap came back a few moments later and said, " I can't find any at all. " The librarian replied, " Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em back! "

A man is fibbing away about…

A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. " There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it! " " Oh, my God! " says his friend. " Surely he must have died! " " Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days! "

An English guy was very ill…

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: YOU WANKER – – GET OFF MY OXYGEN TUBE!!!

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on…

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. " Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass I'd like to be buried at sea. " So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, " Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements haven't yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea. "

Phoning the florist to order some…

Phoning the florist to order some flowers for her lover's funeral, woman was caught off guard when asked what message she wanted on the card. " Message? " she sputtered. " Well, I guess, 'You will be missed. " 'Visiting the funeral home, she was pleased that her floral tribute had arrived but mortified that the card had her exact words: " I guess you will be missed. "

A man was sitting in the…

A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, " Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute. " The man said, " Do me a favor and throw it out the window! "

The man who was about to…

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff, " Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree? " " Course not, " replied the Sheriff. " We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you. "