Doctor Jokes

Different Kinds of Doctors

There are several different kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be differentiated by the following method: General Practitioners know nothing and do little. Surgeons know little and do everything. Internists know everything and do nothing. Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.

Doctor's Notes 5

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, " How long have you been bedridden? " After a look of complete confusion she answered… " Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive. "

Problems remembering

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem? A variationDoctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?

Promoting an office

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words: Psycho- the- rapist.


Pete was sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a 6- foot- tall cockroach standing on his doorstep. The cockroach punched Pete between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, Pete was sitting at home wen the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. This time, he hit Pete in the stomach and karate chopped him on the back before running away. The third evening, Pete as again sitting at home when he heard the doorbell. He answered the door and for the third time the cockroach was there. It leapt at him and managed to stab him several times before running off. The gravely injured Pete was barely able to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He stopped by Pete's hospital room and asked him what happened. Pete explained about the 6- foot- tall cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near- fatal stabbing. The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment and said, " Yes, there's a nasty bug going around! "

Doctor's Notes 6

I was caring for a woman and asked, " So how's your breakfast this morning? " " It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled " KY Jelly. "

Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, " People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems. " The others agreed. Then one said, " Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out? " The other three agreed. The first then confessed, " I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients. " The second psychiatrist said, " I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want. " The third followed with, " I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me. " The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, " I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret…"

How to Argue the Price of a Screw

A well known, rich business man's wife broke her hip. The business man got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the business man a bill for $ 5, 000 for his services. The business man, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor responded to the letter with the following: 1 Screw: $ 1. 00Knowing how to put it in: $ 4, 999Total: $ 5, 000The business man never argued.

Doctor's Notes 7

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, " Keep off the grass. " Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, " Sorry, had to mow the lawn. "

I would like to havea second opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. " Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this. " " What's the problem? " the docotor inquired. " Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away. " " My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self- esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you. " The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. " Did my advice not work? " asked the doctor. " It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women. " " So, what's your problem? " " I don't have a problem, " the man replied. " My wife does. "

Professional Courtesy?

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young blonde in a tight- fitting bikini strolled past. The blonde looked a the doctor, smiled seductively, and murmured in a very sexy voice, " Hi there handsome. How ya doing? " She then wiggled her backside and walked off. " Who was that? " demanded the doctor's wife. " Er- just a woman I met professionally. " stammered the doctor. " Oh yeah? " his wife snarled. " In whose profession? Yours or hers? "

Doctor's Notes 8

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle- aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, " I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? " She replied, " No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

I often feel guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. " Doctor, you must help me, " she pleaded. " It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week. " " I see, " nodded the psychiatrist. " And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter. " " NO!!! " exclaimed the nurse. " I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward! "


The doctor took Dan into the room and said, " Dan, I have some good news and some bad news. " " Oh, no. Give me the good news, I guess, " Dan replied. " They're going to name a disease after you. "

We need to help these people

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

Get me an ambulence now

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help. Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!


Then there? s the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. The dentist says, " Madam, I believe you? ve got a hold of my privates. " The woman replies, " Yes. Now, we? re going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren? t we. "

I've got good and bad

I've got good and badThis old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, " I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first? " Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left. Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this? Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Benefits of having Alzheimer's disease

5. You never have to watch reruns on television. 4. You are always meeting new people. 3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse. 2. You can hide your own Easter eggs. 1. Mysteries are always interesting.

Waiting Room

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, " Congratulations sir, you? re the new father of twins! " The man replied, " How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company. " The man then followed the woman to his wife? s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith? s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, " Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company. " The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, " I think I need a breath of fresh air. " The man continued, " I work for 7- UP. "

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

The prison hospital

Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.


A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don? t stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, " Push up bottom to use. "

The bad and the worse news

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face. Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Man: Well, give me the really bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Man: And the bad news? Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!

How much will this cost me?

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $ 100. 00. Patient: $ 100. 00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Birth Control

An elderly woman went into the doctor? s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, " I? d like to have some birth control pills. " Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, " Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you? re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills? " The woman responded, " They help me sleep better. " The doctor thought some more and continued, " How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep? " The woman said, " I put them in my granddaughter? s orange juice and I sleep better at night. "

Letters from charities

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money. The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, " So how? s your breakfast this morning? " " It? s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can? t seem to get used to the taste, " the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled " KY Jelly. "

I can't find the cause of your pain

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, " I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking. " " In that case, " said the patient, " I'll come back when you're sober"


It is recounted that at King? s College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year? s rounds by teaching " a singularly important principle of medicine. " He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. " Diabetes, " he said, " is a Greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic…" By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. " Now, " said the Registrar grinning, " you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation. " We were...