Drunks

The Eighteen Bottles

The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse… I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. Iwithdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down thesink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew thecork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exceptionof one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thirdbottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled thecork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down theglass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next anddrank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled thesink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then Icorked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, countedthe glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which weretwenty- nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally Ihad all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under theaffluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as...

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked…

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. " Hi, " he said, " I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink? " " Get lost, " she remarked, " I am Lesbian. " " Oh, really? " he asked, " How are things in Beiruit? "

After a long pubcrawl…

After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: " Please, officcccer, could you tell usif the moon is red or green? " The cop looks up and asks back: " The left or the right one? "

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning…

There was a drunk man walking down the street turninghis car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, " Sir, what are you doing? " The drunk replied, " I am looking for my car, the last time I sawit, it was on the end of these keys. " The police officer said, " Sir, do you know your zipper is down? " The drunk replied, " Shit, I lost my wife, too! "

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours…

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back- seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriendentwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. " What's so funny? " thebartender asked. " That damned Pete! " the drunk chortled, " He's so drunk, he thinks he's me! "

A fellow decides to take off early from work…

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip- toeing up the stairs. Half- way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went tobed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. " Well, you really tied one on last night, " she said. " Where'd you go? " " I worked late, " he said, " and I stopped off for a couple of beers. " " A couple of beers? That's a laugh, " she replied....

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut…

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut througha graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunkfails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries toclimb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turnedthe dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. Hegives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar anddecides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out butthe mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sittingthere and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to getout. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on theshoulder and tells him, " You'll never get out! ". He did.

There was a young Scotsman called Andy…

There was a young Scotsman called Andy, Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy. He lifted his kilt, To wipe up what he spilt, And the barmaid said, " Blimey! That's handy! "

Two friends were out drinking…

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. " One thing about Jim, " his buddy said to the bartender, " he knows when to stop. "

Two drunks walk into a bar…

Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says " I gotta go use the can. " So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5… 10… 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him. He findshim in there and asks " What the hell are you doing? " The first drunk repies " Everytime I flush, something reaches up and grabs my balls. " The second drunk looks at him and says" Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

5 drinks

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, " Wow, you sure must have a problem. " " If you had what I had, " the man replies, " you'd drink them fast, too. " Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, " What do you have? " " Fifty cents, " the man answers.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy…

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy askingwhat time the bar opens. " It opens at noon, " answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even= drunker. " What time does the bar open? " he asks. " Same time as before… Noon, " replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. " Whatjoo shay the bar opins at? " The clerk then answers, " It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, Ican have room service send something up to you. " " No… I don't wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!! "

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down…

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, " I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk. " Our wasted friend asked, " Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk? " Yeah, buddy, I'm sure, " said the copper. " Let's go. " Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, " Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple. "

Drinking problem

Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do! Buford: The hell you don't! Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink…I get drunk…I fall down. No problem!

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were…

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI! 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk…

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, " ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife. " The drunks replies, " I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn. "

The sex talk

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics The bartender says? IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS?. A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good…………fuck you!

Clearing it

A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that issitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner! Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone togather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter. After hefinishes the disgusted bartender says " Why in the hell did you shit on mybar? " The drunk replies " Even Elvis had to clear his throat! " Sent by Paul

Things that are difficult to say when you are drunk

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: IndubitablyInnovativePreliminaryProliferationCinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: SpecificityBritish ConstitutionPassive- aggressive disorderLoquacious TransubstantiateTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks, but I don't want to have sexNope, no more booze for meSorry, but you're not really my typeGood evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

This guys is sitting at the end of a bar…

This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly, " Tickle your ass with a feather? " At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says, " Terribly nasty weather. " They then go off looking confused. A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, " Say, buddy, I see what'cher doin'- – you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you say, Tickle your ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you say, terribly nasty weather. " So the guy says to the drunk, " Yeah, it's fun putting people on. Come on down here and you do the next one that comes in. " The drunk moves down to the end of the bar. In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: " Stick a feather up your ass? She said,? excuse me, what did you say?? He says,? can you believe this fucking weather?

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and…

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. " Get me out of here", said the one in the grave, " I'm cold". The other one looked over the edge and said, " No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you".

How can you tell?

" Old Jethro's next door's a- makin'moonshine again. " the wife told her husband. " How can you tell? " he asked. " Did you smell it? " " Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats… "

Warning labels

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named " Big Al".

A rather novel way to…

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other. " So what's going on here? " he asks. The bikie replies " My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit. " The cop says " I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT! " The bikie replies " That's what I'm going to do next! "

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test…

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the lasttest has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to thebathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bedup with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possiblyface. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking bythe hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussingand swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard. The security guard ask: " What's going on? " To which the drunk replied: " I just beat the shit outof a ghost. "

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog…

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rollsaround, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. Thedrunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool ofvomit, and slurs, " I don't remember eating that! "

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested…

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought: " Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry. Two minutes lateranother whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, buttwo minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopedhim: " What's going on out there? " it asked. " Why, there's aparty going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!! " the whiskey replied. And pizza said: " Great, I'll go check it out! "

Lost all my luggage

McAteer arrived at J. F. K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. " No, " replied McAteer. " I've lost all me luggage! " " How'd that happen? " " The cork fell out, " said the Irishman.

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub…

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub. Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.? Fuck me? shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.? What the fuck are you doing that for?? says Smartie.? That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I seehim, so I? m hiding from him? says Polo.? You should stand up to him? says Smartie.? He? ll respect you moreif you do? Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.? Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I? ll knock the fucking shit out ofyou? says Polo.? Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink? says Humbug.? Told you so? says Smartie. The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when inwalks Humbug with his mate, Tune.? Fuck me? shouts Polo again diving under the table.? What the fuck are you doing that for again? says Smartie.? I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune? says Polo.? So what?? says Smartie.? He? s fucking menthol? says Polo. sent by Steve Butler

Drunk walks into elevator…

Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, “Dammit, I said UP. ''