Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, " Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich. " The second lady chimed in with, " Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down. " The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood, " as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, " That must be the door, I'll get it! "
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial- – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, " Mrs. Jones, do you know me? " She responded, " Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two- bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney? " She again replied, " Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby- sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him. " At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said...
The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked " How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that? " The old man whispered back, " Easy. I told her I was 90! "
Why is it easy to break in to an old man's house? Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. " Bloomingdales! " the rabbi exclaimed. " Why Bloomingdales? " " Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week. "
Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is " Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm " Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: " Your Passin It! "
What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma? When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.
My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, " Where are you going? " He replies, " To the kitchen. " She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? " He replies, " Sure. " She then asks him, " Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? " He says, " No, I can remember that. " She then says, " Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that. " He says, " I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replies, " Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down. " With irritation...
An elderly lady was well- known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout " PRAISE THE LORD! " Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, " There ain't no Lord!! " Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted " PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!! " The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, " PRAISE THE LORD. " The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, " Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't. " The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, " PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord! "
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, " My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me? ". The second guy says, " Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit. " So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, " Did you see it? ". " Sure! ", says his buddy. " Where did it go? ", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, " I can't remember. "
" Grandma, why don't you drink tea anymore? " " I don't like it ever since that tea bag got stuck in my throat. "
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, " Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50. " The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, " It's his turn with the teeth. "
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, " Uh- oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything! " So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, " I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck. "
What's the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from insurance salesmen.
An 80- year- old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. " I've never been better! " he replies. " I've got an 18- year- old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that? " The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, " Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. " " So he's in the woods, " the doctor continues, " and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest. " " That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear, " the man said. " Exactly. "
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
" What's wrong, sonny? " asked the old timer sympathetically, coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out. " I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the big boys do! " So the old man sat down and wept too.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, " Now don't get mad at me… I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is. " Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, " How soon do you need to know? "
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself " I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light. " After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, " Mildred! Did you know we just ran through thre e red lights in a row! You could have killed us! " Mildred turned to her and said, " Oh, am I driving? "
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, " Ma'am did you know you were speeding? " The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, " What did he say? " The old man yelled, " He says you were speeding! " The patrolman said, " May I see your license? " The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, " What did he say? " The old man yelled, " He wants to see your license! " The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, " I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen. " The woman turned to her husband and asked, " What did he say? " The old man yells, " He said he thinks he knows you! ".
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word? Have the fifth one say…. BINGO!
Seventy- two- year- old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing " fairly well" for his age. A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, " Do you think I'll live to be 80? " The doctor asked, " Well, do you smoke or drink beer? " " Oh no, " Edgar replied, " I've never done either. " Then the doctor asked, " Do you eat rib- eye steaks and bar- b- qued ribs? " Edgar said, " No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful! " " Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf? " the doctor asked. " No, I don't, " Edgar replied. Then the doctor asked, " Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women? " " No, " Edgar said, " I don't do any of those things. " The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, " Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80? "
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, " Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is? " A few minutes later, Timmy returned. " Well, " asked Mrs. Silver, " is she all right? " " She's fine, except that she's angry at you. " " At me? " the woman exclaimed. " Whatever for? " " She said 'It's none of your business how old she is, '" snickered Timmy.
An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, " Where are you going? " He replied, " To the kitchen. " She asked, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? " " Sure. " Then his wife asked him, " Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it? " " No, I can remember that. " " Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett er write that down cause I know you'll forget that, " his wife said. " I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " She replied, " Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down. " With irritation in his voice, he said, " I don't...
A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed a small check, and started out. Passing the armed guard, she smiled and said, " You can go home now. "
Do you think my skin is starting to show its age? " " I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles. "
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year- old woman: " And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? " the reporter asked. She simply replied, " No peer pressure. "
One day, an out- of- work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper- class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers. " Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting…" " Painting? " the woman jumped in. " Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter, " the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work. " I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him. " Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus. " " Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job! " He was told the paints were also around back in the garage. nA few hours later, the man returns to the door. " That was quick, did you do a good job? " the woman inquires. " Oh yes Ma'am, two coats! But there's something you should know, " the man says. " That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes! "
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By- pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But….. Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. " My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup. " " Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee. " " I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck. " " My blood pressure pills make my dizzy. " " I guess that's the price we pay for getting old. " " Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive. "
Two 80 year old men are driving down the road when they hear the Ex- Lax commercial end with the statement: " It makes you feel young again. " John looks at Sylvester and says, " We need to pull over and get a bottle of that stuff! " Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of Ex- Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive. About one mile later Sylvester asks, " Well John, do you feel young yet? " " No, " replies John. So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue to drive down the road. A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, " John, do you feel younger? " " No, " replies John, " but I sure did a childish thing! "