Farming Jokes

A farmer lived on a quiet…

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, " You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens. " " What do you want me to do? " asked the sheriff. " I don't care, just do something about those drivers! " So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, " You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing'sign seems to make them go faster. " So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY And that really sped them up. So the f armer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, " Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign? " The sheriff told him, " Sure thing, put up your own sign. " He was going to let the farmer do...

"Tell me," said the hiker to…

" Tell me, " said the hiker to the local farmer, " will this pathway take me to the main road? " " No, sir, " replied the farmer, " you'll have to go by yourself! "

Farmer Jones bought a herd of…

Farmer Jones bought a herd of pigs from a Roman farmer who moved into the next valley and boy, is he sorry. The hogs won't come to the feed trough unless he calls them in Pig Latin.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia…

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, " Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, " And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, " Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

FARMER: Did you sleep well last…

FARMER: Did you sleep well last night? GUEST: No, the bed was soft and the air was fresh, but an old sow kept pushing at the door. FARMER: Never mind her. She always gets upset when we rent out her room.

A farmer purchased an old, run-down,…

A farmer purchased an old, run- down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, " May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams! " A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well- fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. " Amazing! " the preacher says. " Look what God and you have accomplished together! " " Yes, reverend, " says the farmer, " but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone! "

A farmer was interviewing a young…

A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand. `You'll need to be fit, 'said the farmer. `Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents? ''No, sir, 'replied the young man proudly. `But you're on crutches. You must have had an accident! 'said the farmer. `Oh, the crutches! 'said the young man. `A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose! '

The farmer's son was returning from…

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. " Pa, the chickens got loose, " the boy confessed sadly, " but I managed to find all twelve of them. " " Well, you did real good, son, " the farmer beamed. " You left with seven. "

An out-of-towner drove his car into…

An out- of- towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, " Pull, Nellie, pull. " Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, " Pull, Buster, pull. " Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, " Pull, Jennie, pull. " Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, " Pull, Buddy, pull. " And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, " Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try! "

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher…

A very zealous soul- winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, " Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man? " Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, " Naw, these are soybeans. " " You don't understand, " said the preacher. " Are you a Christian? " With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, " Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here. " The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, " Are you lost? " " Naw! I've lived here all my life, " answered the farmer. " Are you prepared for the resurrection? " the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, " When's it gonna be? " Thinking he had accomplished somet hing the young preacher replied, " It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day. " Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, " Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days. "

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from…

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. " Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? " asked the lawyer. Farmer Brown responded, " Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…" " I didn't ask for any details, " the lawyer interrupted, " just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'! " Farmer Brown said, " Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…" The lawyer interrupted again and said, " Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. " By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, " I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie. " Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, " Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite...

A clergyman walking down a country…

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. " You look hot, my son, " said the cleric. " why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand. " " No thanks, " said the young man. " My father wouldn't like it. " " Don't be silly, " the minister said. " Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water. " Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, " Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind! " " Well, " replied the young farmer, " he's under the load of hay. "

Liam had left Dublin to go…

Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

A farmer was milking his cow….

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a…

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. A few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the p ig!

A man from the city is…

A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. " Where can I buy one? " he is asked. Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says. " I'll take him, " says the other man as he counts out the money. I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? " Sure. " The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, " sorry, bad news. " I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead. The city feller says just give me my money back then. " Can't, spent it already! " " Well… unload the mule then. " " What ya gonna do with him? " " Raffle him off! " " Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule! " " Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tri cks. " One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop. " What did ya do with that dead mule? " " Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars...

A man was driving down a…

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, " I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him. " " Suit yourself, " the farmer replied, " you can go join the other chickens that are around the back. "