What goes in and out and smells of piss? The Queen Mother
What do they call condoms in Germany? Weinerhosen
What's brown and has holes in it? – Swiss Shit.
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Popeout of the corner of her mouth, " I bet you a tenner that I can makeevery English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand. " The Pope says, " No way. You can't do that. " The Queen says, " Watch this. " So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, " Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it. " So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, " I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head. " The Queen goes, " No way, it can't be done. " So the Pope headbutts her.
An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA visited the foreignexchange to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100, 000Rpsand after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given $ 50. 45 witha typical " service" smile and " Have a nice day! " The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with anotherwad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100, 000Rps and put his handout for his $ 50. 45, instead he received $ 48. 78. He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less!!?? " Whereupon the cashier replied" Fluctuations! " He screamed back " FLUCK YOU AMERICANS, TOO! " I'm going back to Delhi!!!
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. " The weddin's off, " he shouted, " Everybody bugger off! " Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. " What's the problem? " he asked. " Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride! ", exclaimed the father. The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled " All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again! " As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked " What happened to make you change your mind? " Grinning sheepishly, he replied, " Oh, well, we… uh… we found the keg of beer. "
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of theScottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary aboutthe way of life there. REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you? SCOTSMAN: Certainly… REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep….
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York Cityrestaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmenseated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, " What the hell do you guys think you are doing? " One of the Japanese men explains, " Can't you see? We areall berry hungry. " The waitress begs the question, " So, how is whacking- off inthe middle of the restaurant going to help that situation? " One of the other Japanese men replies, " The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED! "
What do you call a Highlander with four sheep? A pimp
A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, " Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage? " The Saudi replied, " Excuse me, but what is a shortage? " The Russian said, " Excuse me, but what is meat? " The North Korean replied, " Excuse me, but what is an opinion? " The New Yorker replied, " Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me? '"
How do you play Iraqi bingo? F18…B52…F18Sent by Onky
Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't knowwhere they are. The first guy says " I'll find out" and putshis arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says" We're just over Paris" " How do you know" ask the others" Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower. " Later on the second guy tries and says " We just flew over London" " How? " asks the others" Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben" Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out theplane, and says to the others " We have just flown over Glasgow. " " How do you know that? " comes the reply. " Because some bastard has just stolen my watch"
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long KeshPrison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. " ForHeavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried theGUNS!!! At 4 A. M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug upthe entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote tohis son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. Hisson's reply was: " Just plant your potatoes. "
Two English sheep in a field. One says to the other " I'm not feeling very well" The other turns around and replies" Shut- the- f* ck- up, or you'll get us all killed" Sent by paully
This aussie caught this Kiwi having a bit of fun with a sheep….. " Mate", the aussie said, " Over there we shear them". The kiwi replied, " Mate, I'm not shearing this with innyone"
A small village was troubled by a man- eating lion. So its leaders senta message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give himits hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture towait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood- curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. " What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion? " asked the chief. " Forget the damn lion! " he howled. " Which one of you idiots let the bull loose? "
What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)? A leisure centre.
There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his scotish accent, " I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize. " Sent by Alvin
An American was waiting on a London street corner. Anattractive English girl was passing by when a gust ofwind blew her dress above her waist. " A bit airy, isn't it? " remarked the American. Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly, " 'Ell yes! What did you expect – feathers?! "
A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenlyhe notices a fine looking hooker looking at him. He stops, bangs on the window and says, " So, what does this cost??!! ". And the hooker replies, " 25 dollars!! ". And the Pollock said, " Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulatedwindows!! ".
An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: " How large is the population here? " " Around 1. 5 billion" – – the guide answersAmerican, After a short pause: " So, what else do you do here? "
A 10pm curfew was imposed in BelfastEverybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9. 45pm. " Why did you do that? " the soldier was asked by his superior officer. " I know where he lives, " he replied, " and he wouldn't have made it. "
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper" Black pepper, or white pepper? " asked the concierge. " Toilette pepper! "
Australia. Where men are real menAnd sheep are scared shitlessAnd where the term 'Going Down Under'means something entirely different
I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at itcause it was prettier than most. The clerk said, " It's made in Germany". I said, " That's too bad, I can't use it then". The clerk said, " What's the matter? You don't like German pens? " I said, " No. I just never learned to write German. "