What's the best way to force a man to do situps? Put the remote between his toes.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship? We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!
Reasons computers must be maleThey have a lot of data but are still clueless. A better model is always just around the corner. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. It is always necessary to have a backup. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. The lights are on but nobody's home.
Dating hints for gentlemenThere are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2- for- 1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Man says to God: " Why did you make woman so beautiful? " God says: " So you would love her. " Man says to God: " But God, Why did you make her so dumb? " God says: " So she would love you. " Source MissJoke. com
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E. T.? E. T. phoned home!
What did God say after he created man? I can do better than this!
What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer!
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered: General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly " Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic" ) GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One GE104: How to Parallel Park GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera Home Economics: HE101a: Over- Laundering – Why Clothing Wears Out Premature HE101b: Over- Vacuuming – Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely HE101c: Over- Dusting – Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely HE101d: Over- Washing – Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly " How to Cut Credit Cards in Half" ) HE103: Overcoming " The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called " How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway? " ) Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say " No" With Kindness and Appreciation IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby IR103: Submission – a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b) IR104: Marriage – The Number One Cause of Divorce IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly " Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining...
Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman" A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
WOMEN? S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI? m sorry. = You? ll be sorry. We need… = I wantIt? s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You? ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead = I don? t want you to. I? m not upset = Of course I? m upset, you moron! You? re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You? re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains =…and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I? m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you? re really not going to like. I? ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Am I fat? = Tell me I? m beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late,...
The story of someone getting a haircut. Women's version: Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh – that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two- by- four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. Men's version: Man2: Haircut? Man1: Yeah.
" WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds40- ish means: 48Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever willAffectionate means: PossessiveArtist means: UnreliableAverage looking means: You figure this one outBeautiful means: Pathological liarCommitment- minded means: Pick out curtains, now! Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewiseContagious Smile means: Bring your penicillinEducated means: College dropoutEmotionally Secure means: MedicatedEmployed means: Has part- time job stuffing envelopes at homeEnjoys art and opera means: SnobEnjoys Nature means: Bring your own granolaExotic Beauty means: Would frighten a MartianFinancially Secure means: One paycheck from the streetFree spirit means: Substance abuserFriendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slutFun means: AnnoyingGentle means: ComatoseGood Listener means: Hard to pull a word from herHumorous means: CausticIntuitive means: Your opinion doesn't countIn Transition means: Needs new sugar- daddy to pay the billsLight drinker means: LushLooks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad lightLoves Travel means: If you're payingLoves Animals means: Cat ladyNon- traditional means: Ex- husband lives in the basementOpen- minded means: DesperateOutgoing means: LoudPassionate means: LoudPoet means: Depressive SchizophrenicRedhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisleReliable means: FrumpyReubenesque means: You can figure this one outRomantic means: Looks better by candle lightSelf- employed means: JoblessSmart means: InsipidSpecial means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windowsSpiritual means: Involved with a cultStable means: BoringTall, thin means: AnorexicTan means: WrinkledWants Soulmate means: One step away from stalkingWidow Nagged means: first husband to deathWriter...
If Men Were to Rewrite " The Rules" Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – – not both. Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time- outs. Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying " This is our exit" is not necessary.
WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man – unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander – its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, " Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,...
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Continuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You… Communication Skills I: Tears- The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. " Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat? " – Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women!
Reason's why it's great to be a woman Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. Speeding ticket? What's that? New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. Brad Pitt. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty- supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You know which glass...
Why don't men eat more M & M's? They are too hard to peel!
Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman: A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing " AT". When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty. A modem won't say a word if you come home late. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about. Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control – you can even turn the sound OFF.
What do you call a man with an I. Q. of 50? Gifted!
HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. opens window asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer Arrives at destination presently. HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh airPulls up to a 7 – 11 Gets three hot- dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7- 11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7- 11 said it was. Almost hits a deer Curses the night Curses you Curses the large slurpee Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel He had to look up pernicious. Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary Couldn't spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all But she is laughing inside… And of course you're still lost.
What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature!
Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $ 10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-...
Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them!
The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message " Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as " If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up!
Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut- Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $ 20 bills, even though it's only for $ 22. 50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop...
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know – it's never happened.
New Summer Seminars for WomenThe Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money, The Non- Renewable Resource How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends How To Be A Victim Of Marketing How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way
How to be politically correct with womenShe is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION....
Advice From Men To Women…Never buy a 'new'brand of beer because 'it was on sale. '…If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it…. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one…. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials…. Please don't drive when you're not driving…. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline…. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!…When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes'is fine.