Heaven and hell jokes

Three guys found themselves in Hell:…

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, " Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! " And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7'tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, " Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the re st of eternity in bed with this woman! " And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of… Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice...

Three college football coaches were flying…

Three college football coaches were flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: " Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you? " The first coach said, " I'm Joe Paterno. I coached Penn State from 1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl victories, 2 national championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times. The people of Pennsylvania think I'm great. " God said, " Fine, Joe, stand at my right side. " The next person said, " I'm Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State University from 1980 to 2000. I had a. 816 win percentage, played in 14 bowl games without a loss and won a national championship after beating Nebraska. The people of Florida think I'm great. " God said, " Fine, Bobby, stan d at my left side. " The third coach stood before God and said, " I'm Bob Stoops. I took over a storied Oklahoma program that had won 6 national championships and held many NCAA records but had fallen to the lowest of the low. In the 3 years prior to me taking over the Sooners they went 3- 8 (worst season in 102 years of football),...

One day at the entrance to…

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, " God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do? ". God replied, " Just do what you normally do with that type. Re- direct them down to hell. " St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling " God, God, they're gone, they're gone! " " Who, the New Yorkers? ". " No, the Pearly Gates. "

An accountant dies and goes to…

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. " What sort of accountant are you? " says St Peter " Public Practitioner, " is the reply. " Name? " He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. " Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span, " says St Peter. " How can that be? " says the accountant. " I'm too young to go. I'm only forty- eight" " No, that's impossible. " " Why do you say that? " " Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three. "

A man dies and goes to…

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. " Sure, " GOD says, " Go right ahead". " OK, " the man says. " Why did you make women so pretty? " GOD says, " So you would like them. " " OK, " the guy says. " But how come you made them so beautiful? " " So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, " But why did you make them such airheads? " GOD says, " So they would love you! "

A new York Divorce Lawyer died…

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him " What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? " The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, " A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street. " Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, " Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven. " The Lawyer said, " Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter. " Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, " Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow? " Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, " Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell. " Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, " Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story? "...

Three men were standing in line…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, " Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story? " So the first man replies: " Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red- handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell – – but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on...

A forester and a lawyer were…

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says " Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says " Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this s hack? " St. Peter says: " Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before. "

Three men died in a car…

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, " I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie…. Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, " How many times did you cheat on your wife? " The first man replied, " Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife. " The Lord replied, " Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, " How many times did you cheat on your wife? " The second man replied, " Lord, I cheated on my wife twice. " The Lord replied, " I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, " So, how many times did y ou cheat on your wife? " The third man replied, " Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times. " The Lord replied, " I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one- room apartment, and a...