An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, " Spit it out! Spit it out! " An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well- known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons. When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, " No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent. "
There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun. " Don't jump, " she said, and I'll grant you three wishes. " " Right, " he said. " my first wish is to have $ 100, 000. " She said, " When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount. " He then said, " My second wish is to have my wife and children back. " She said, " They will be there when you get home. " He said, " My third wish is to be tall and handsome. " She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted. " Then she added, " I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me. " He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again. She said, " What age are you? " He replied, " I'm forty. " She said, "...
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. " Help! " Barty shouted, " Oi'm sinkin'! " Don't worry, " assured Mick. " Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o'there. " Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, " Shure, an'Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help. " As Mick was leaving, Barty called " Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $ 100, 000. 00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, " Where are we now? " The guide said, " We're in the great state of Texas. " " It's a big place, " said Murphy. The guide said, " It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it. " And Murphy said, " Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it! "
Mrs. Ryan, a mean looking woman, claimed her husband was not thoughtful. In this she was wrong; her husband thought about her too much. One morning on his way to work, he thought about her so much that he got off the subway at 34th Street and went to the Greyhound Terminal and took a bus to Yuma, Arizona.
Pat and Jimmy- Joe met and one said to the other, " Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat? " Pat said, " Well, I have and I haven't. " His friend asked, " Shure, and what d'ye mean by that? " Pat said, " It's like this, y'see…I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another…it was neither of us. "
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means " maybe the job will be done to- morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares? " The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. " No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency. ", replied Brennan.
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. " I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home. "
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. " We have 99" replied the shop owner " Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer- by came and asked him what had happened. " I don't know sur" he replied " but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
(Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot) Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the Plane encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems. In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co- Pilot and says. " Jazus Mick…Well have to turn back…none of the equipment is working!. " Mick says to Paddy; " No Problem…Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window! " OK! " says Paddy, " Where are we then? " Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air. This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North" " Brilliant! " replies Paddy, and precedes north bound. Fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick? " Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now. The air is much cooler here. Just head in a north easterly direction. " Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick? " Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick…Bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One. Paddy,...
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. " Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, " he said. " I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad! " " All right, my son, " admonished the priest. " For penance, finish off the stations! "
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy " Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied " No Sean was taller than that"
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, " The trouble is the carburetor. " He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, " It's the carburetor that's not working. " The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, " Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway. "
Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. Father Murphy said, " Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella? 'And he dropped the darned thing and ran. "
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler…" Seamus… Seamus… the wind is cutt'n me chest out! " " Well, Paddy my lad, " said Seamus, " why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back… that'll block the wind for you. " So Paddy took Seamus'advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. " T'anks be to heaven, is he alright? " Seamus hailed to the farmers. " Well, " said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here.. but since we turned his head back to front.. he hasn't said a word since! "
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn" t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, " What's that young fella doin'here all hours of the night? " " Why, Dad, " said Frances, " Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart! " " Well, next time, " roared Phelan, " just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long! "
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. " Did you see the paper? " asked Gallagher. " They say I died!! " " Yes, I saw it! " replied Finney. " Where are you callin'from? "
Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. " What's wrong, Seamus? " Paddy asked. " Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back? " said Seamus. " Ah, praise the Almighty! " Paddy replied with relief. " I thought I'd gone deaf! "
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. " How did you like that jump, buddy? " said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. " It was great, " said the sailor. " But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in! "
It was general question time on the " Top of the World" quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant: " Complete this line of a song and spell your answer – Old MacDonald had a…. " The Hungarian answered quickly: " Station – S T A T I O N. " Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question: " Old MacDonald had a…. " " Ranch, " was the reply, " R A N C H. " Finally the Irishman was asked the same question: " Old MacDonald had a…. " " Farm, " the Irishman proudly stated. " Correct, " said the host. " Now spell the word farm. " The Irishman thought for a moment. " E I E I O. "
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, " What's your name and address? " " I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address. " The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. " I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy. "
A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: " Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using. "
It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: " Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said, " Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time. " And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue- eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, " I don't understand it! " The young beauty answered, " Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all...
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. " S'cuse me, " said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. " What was that all about? " " Nothing, " said the Irishman, " my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives. "
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, " Don't flush, I'm in here! "
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. " Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like? " said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. " Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like? " said the prison guard " Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. " Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like? " " Oh", replied the Irishman, " I'll take the German".
" Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece? " " No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time! "
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. " Hooray! " shouted the guide. " Here comes man's best friend! " " Yeah, " said Mulvaney. " An'look at the size of the dog that's bringin'it! "
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight – an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. " You see that, I reckon, " said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. " And now where would you be if the gallows had its due? " " Riding alone, " coolly replied Paddy.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. " Did she say anything before she died? " asked the sergeant. " She spoke without interruption for about forty years, " said the Irishman.
Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic? A: It has a 12 month waiting list. Q: What's long & green & has a low I. Q.? A: A St. Patrick's Day ParadeQ: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare. Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture! Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ''may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony. ''The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ''no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here! ''
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. " I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, " I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity. " So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, " I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. " Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, " I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. " The Genie explains, " well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out. " The Irishman says, " Fill it up with water. "
" Young man, " said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. " It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state! " " I'm glad to hear you say that, " replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. " Everybody else says it's all my fault! "