When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, " Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself. " " Don't be stupid, Joe, " said the psychiatrist. " My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy. " " How? " asked Joe. " Easy, " replied the quack. " I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do? " " I clean out septic tanks. " Joe replied.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
The child was a typical four- year- old girl – cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. " Now do you understand? " he asked. " I think so, " she said, " is that when mommy came to work for us? "
She was two thirds married once. What do you mean? Well, she turned up, the Minster turned up, but the groom didn't!
My wife sez that I'm too extravagant; that if anything ever happens to her, I'll have to beg. I told her I'd be fine. I mean look at all the experience I've got.
A man was complaining to a friend. " I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone! " " What happened? " asked the friend. " My wife found out. "
NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands? SAGE: Clever men don't BECOME husbands!
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says " When did you start wearing them? " To which the other man replies " Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car. "
Hey, you just shot my wife. I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine!
QUESTION: What is honeymoon? ANSWER: That brief span of time between, " I do" and " You'd better! "
" Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me? " she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes. " I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again. "
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, " It really works! "
A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said " Your wife's mind has completely gone! " To which the man replied " I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years! "
Where did the burgers go after their wedding? On a bun- eymoon!
QUESTION: Why should a honeymoon only be six days? ANSWER: Because seven days makes a whole week.
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: " Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. " Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. " You were perfectly right. " You want to speak with her? All right. " He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: " Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you! "
An English professor wrote the words, " woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: " Woman, without her man, is a savage. " The women wrote: " Woman: Without her, man is a savage. "
" Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market, " said the man. " Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically, " remarked his friend. " I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me. "
Q: How do you know when you're at a hillbilly wedding? A: Everyone is sitting on the same side of the church.
QUESTION: Do you know what is honeymoon? ANSWER: A short period of doting between dating and debting.
The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. " I assume, " she barked, " there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning? " " There is! " he replied, " Breakfast. "
How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull? Marry her!
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. " Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship, " the husband explained. " She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. " He continued, " She communicates well and I act like I'm listening. "
Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Two ladies were hanging out together and one was depressed. " What's wrong? " The depressed one replied, " I've been married four times and everyone of my husbands has passed away. " The other lady asked, " What did they used to do? " The depressed lady replied, " Well, my first husband was a millionaire, the second was a magician, the third was an evangelist, and the fourth was a mortician. " And the other said, " Oh, one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go. "
One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, " I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses. " She quickly answered, " George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln! "
" I was in a very generous mood today, " a woman says to her friend. " I gave a poor beggar $ 25. " " Thats a lot of money to give away, " says her friend. " What did your husband say? " " He said, 'Thank you'. "
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women: Defendant: " Your Honor, I wish to change my plea. " Judge: " Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind? " Defendant: " No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors. "
Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.
Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. " It is wonderful, " the husband exclaimed. " We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife? " " Yes, you male chauvinist pig, " his wife replied. " Tonight, you cook dinner! "
A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. " Congratulations, " said the nurse, " but don't you think this is enough? " The woman replied, " Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year. "
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
BARTENDER: I think you've had enough, sir. DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy! BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife…. DRUNK: It was almost impossible!
When Mr. Maxwell's wife left him he couldn't sleep. " She took the bed! "