Medicine

Broken leg

" How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle- aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. " Well, doc, 25 years ago…" " Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. " " Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on thefarm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautifuldaughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything Iwanted. I said, " No, everything is fine. " " Are you sure? " she asked. " I'm sure, " I said. " Isn't there anything I can do for you??? " she wanted to know. " I reckon not, " I replied. " Excuse me, " said the doctor, " What the hell does this story have to dowith your broken leg?!?!? " " Well, this morning, " the farmhand explained, " when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof! "

Fred Dingaling

Fred DingalingA local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster thanthe posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead ofa ticket. So, he asks the man his name. " Fred, " he replies. " Fred what? " the officer asks. " Just Fred, " the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that heused to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. " Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name? " The man replies, " It's a long story so stay with me. I was born FredDingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all thetime. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When Igot older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went throughcollege, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. " After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back toschool. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got mydegree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry soI started fooling around with...

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up…

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, " Don't move – – I'll be right back. " When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, " How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move? " " I hiccupped. "

Most dentists chairs go up and down…

Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, " This is unusual. " The dentist said to me, " Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet. "

Can't remember

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?

After years of psychotherapy…

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believeshe is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and afriend came across a chicken, and John was terrified. " Why are you so afraid, you're not a grainof wheat after all, " his friend asked. John replied, " You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it. " Sent by Marc

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says…

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, " Doctor, you've got todo something about my husband – – he thinks he's a refrigerator! " " I wouldn't worry too much about it, " the doctor replies. " Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass. " " But you don't understand, " the woman insists. " He sleepswith his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake. "

Perfectly normal

" I'm in love with my horse, " the nervous man told his psychiatrist. " Nothing to worry about, " the psychiatrist consoled. " Many peopleare fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are veryattached to. " " But, doctor, " continued the troubled patient, " I feel, ummm… * physically* attracted to my horse. " " Hmmm, " the doctor asked, " Is it male or female? " " Female, of course! " the man replied. " What do you think I am…GAY??? "

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary…

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing. He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves. One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex. The glove was then thrown in a finished products box. The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary. Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist…

A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist. " My life is a mess, doctor, " she began, " I am sofucking hideous that no one will associate withme, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help? " " Why, certainly! Helping people feel much betterabout themselves is my area of expertise. I canstart making you feel more confident about yourappearance right here and now. " " Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first? " she asked. " First things first. Just walk over to the otherside of the room and lie face down on my couch. "

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him…

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. " Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you. " The woman said, " I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs. " " Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown, " said the doctor without changing expression, " I have some bad news for you. "

At a dentist's

Dentist: " Would you help me out? I'd like you togive a few of your loudest screams. " Patient: " Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time. " Dentist: " Well, there are about 20 people in thewaiting room right now, and I don't want to missthe five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4. "

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital…

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped inand saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital ashe is OK. Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died. David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

MY TWO DELICATE OPERATIONS

Humor story by Larry GravesWebsite: http: //www. gravetimes. com/ MY TWO " DELICATE" OPERATIONSA few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead… No man alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any man in existence: # 1 " Oh good, today is my vasectomy! " # 2 " Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted! " Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm I carry wherever I go. First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong stomachs. ) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much intended…) Let's just say, it was very uncomfortable when the doctor lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated " Mr. Graves, in order to have a vasectomy,...

Who's got my pen?

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write'with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, " Well that's great, just great… some asshole's got my pen. "

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady…

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. " We have come for an examination, " said the young girl. " Alright, " said the doctor. " Go behind that curtain andtake your clothes off. " " No, not me, " said the girl. " it's my old aunt here. " " Very well, " said the doctor. " Madam, stick out your tongue. " Sent by Stan

The evils of marijuana

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic ofthe lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana. Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, " Used regularly, " he explained, " pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration! " " Now wait a minute, professor, " interrupted a student. " Castration? That's absurd! " " Yes young man, it's sadly true, " replied the professor smugly. " Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies! "

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed…

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, " I heard you died. " " But you see I'm alive, " smiled the friend. " Impossible, " said the psychiatrist. " The man who told me is much more reliable than you. "

Saving one of them

Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them. Patient: Oh, thank you very much. Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.

Not a foot

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumblesinto a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to thereceptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examinationbed and says, " Stick it through that curtain. " Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out hispenis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. " That's not a foot! " screams the nurse on duty. " Holy shit, lady! " the drunk exclaims, " I never knew you hada minimum! "

A serious condition

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just afterarriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phonerang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of acolleague on the other end of the line. " We need a fourth for poker, " said the friend. " I'll be right over, " whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, " Is it serious? " " Oh yes, quite serious, " said the doctor gravely. " In fact, three doctors are there already! "

Pneumonia

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserablecold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hotbath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all thewindows and stand in the draft. " But doc, " protested the patient, " if I do that, I'll get pneumonia. " " I know, " said his physician. " I can cure pneumonia. "

Constipation problem

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. " It's terrible, " she said, " I haven't moved my bowels in a week. " " I see. Have you done anything about it? " asked the doctor. " Naturally, " she replied, " I sit in the bathroom for a half- hourin the morning and again at night. " " No, " the doctor said, " I mean do you take anything? " " Naturally, " she answered, " I take a book. "

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday…

An eye- doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lotsof friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed. Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes! The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said: " I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist! "