A patrol of allied soldiers were in a ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route through the rubbled buildings. Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and proclaims. " I got me 4 germans bagged so far. Howabout you John? " Before Pfc John can reply, a lone german soldier runs out of a trashed hotel. In the process of throwing down his rifle after seeing the larger allied soldier group, he shouts " NEIN! " Pfc John takes aim at the enemy and shoots him. " Well, he wont get himself a tenth allied soldier. " Joe all year long!
Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
Q: What is the best Iraqi job? A: Foreign Ambassador
A warrant officer was crossing a road one- day when a frog called out to him and said, " If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. " The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want. " Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, " What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me? " The warrant officer said, " Look I'm an warrant officer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool. "
Q: How many U. S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: " How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb? " A: " We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time. "
A trooper asks a sergeant: – Is it true that man descended from a monkey? – Yes, troopers possibly were. But not sergeants.
Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Look, for only $ 87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? A: You only have to teach them to take off.
A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for. One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S- 2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of duty the night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the report HAD to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to Division Headquarters. As he got to the gate, the XO stopped him. In a very sarcastic voice he said, " Aren't we paying our drivers a lot these days? " The NCO, without missing a beat re plied, " Not at all, Sir, when you consider what we are paying gate guards. "
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird? A: Duck
I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24- hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the " capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on- site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gent ler military officers we were, told her " No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke'them ourselves. " Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, " You can DO that? ":
During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle. The Sergeant said, " How'd you learn to shoot like that? Have you ever been in combat before? " " Well suh, " drawled the boy, " To be honest, this is my first public war. "
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile? A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
A recruit examines the food served to him in the batallion dining room. – Do I have any choice here, he asks a sergeant. – Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness. A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says, " Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tatoos on a Bo'su n. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing. "
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
This is the difference between a lousy Golfer and a lousy Parachutist. The lousy Golfer goes splash then damn. The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.
Short- sighted sarge: " Attention! You also, you little one in the back row with the red cap! " " But sarge, that's a hydrant! " Sarge: " Anyway, in this place academics have to obey as well. "
Two paratrooper recruits in a plane: – Are you crazy, Vasily? You are going to jump without a parachute. – Is it mandatory to wear it? – Sure. It's raining outside.
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met, " Do you want to go to heaven? " The Marine said, " I do Father. " The priest said, " Leave this pub right now! " He then approached a second Marine. " Do you want to got to heaven? " " Certainly, Father, " was the Marine's reply. " Then leave this den of Satan! " said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, " Do you want to go to heaven? " The SgtMaj replied: " No, I don't Father. " The priest looked him right in the eye and said, " You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven? " The SgtMaj smiled, " Oh, when I die! Why…yes Father. Shit, I thought you were getting a working party together to go right now! "
– When the general comes, report to me immediately. The general doesn't show. The sergeant gets nervous and every hour reminds the sentry to report about the general's arrival. Finally, the general comes in. – Where have you been? asks the sentry. The sergeant has already asked about you four times.
Recruits were shocked at the language the sergeant used in their unit. During a smoke break one young soldier asked: " Sergeant, where did you le- arn your language? " " Learnit, hell, it's a gift, " proudly informed the NCO.
A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: – I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: – You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.
A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M. E. for Medically Exempt. Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M. E. on his papers. " Does that mean I'm medically exempt? " he asked. " No, " answered the doctor. " M. E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel. "
The theatrical manager exclaimed: " Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real. " " It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe. " " Well, " said the manager, " for heaven's sake leave it in until the end of the run of the play. "
– How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile? – Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
A general calls a colonel: – Do you have a couple of smart majors? – Yes I do. – Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around.
Colin Powell, once USA's highest ranking military officer, (now Secretary of State), loves to relate this incident from his Vietnam days. It shows the importance of clear objectives. Finding an outpost at a very vulnerable spot, Powell decided to investigate why it was location was chosen. He was assured that it was a very important outpost. " What's it's mission? " " To protect the airfield! " " What's the airfield here for? " " To resupply the outpost! "
– Who likes music? – asks a commander. – Two soldiers step forward. – All right. I bought a piano. Take it to my apartment on the fourth floor.
– How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb? – That is a military secret. If I told you I'd have to kill you.
Q: " What has an IQ of 42? " A: " 40 Marines plus their lieutenant"
Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos. – In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov. – Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. " You simpleton! " the officer barked. " Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company? " " Yes sir, " the solder answered apologetically. " But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, " Let's eat one now and save the other until winter'- – – that did it. "