Military Jokes

A patrol of allied soldiers were…

A patrol of allied soldiers were in a ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route through the rubbled buildings. Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and proclaims. " I got me 4 germans bagged so far. Howabout you John? " Before Pfc John can reply, a lone german soldier runs out of a trashed hotel. In the process of throwing down his rifle after seeing the larger allied soldier group, he shouts " NEIN! " Pfc John takes aim at the enemy and shoots him. " Well, he wont get himself a tenth allied soldier. " Joe all year long!

A warrant officer was crossing a…

A warrant officer was crossing a road one- day when a frog called out to him and said, " If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. " The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, " If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want. " Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, " What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me? " The warrant officer said, " Look I'm an warrant officer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool. "

A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had…

A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for. One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S- 2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of duty the night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the report HAD to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to Division Headquarters. As he got to the gate, the XO stopped him. In a very sarcastic voice he said, " Aren't we paying our drivers a lot these days? " The NCO, without missing a beat re plied, " Not at all, Sir, when you consider what we are paying gate guards. "

Q: How many military information officers…

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

I was an Air Force ICBM…

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24- hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the " capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on- site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gent ler military officers we were, told her " No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke'them ourselves. " Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, " You can DO that? ":

During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly…

During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle. The Sergeant said, " How'd you learn to shoot like that? Have you ever been in combat before? " " Well suh, " drawled the boy, " To be honest, this is my first public war. "

A destroyer pulled into a foreign…

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness. A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other. Finally one says, " Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tatoos on a Bo'su n. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing. "

Father Murphy walked into a pub…

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first Marine he met, " Do you want to go to heaven? " The Marine said, " I do Father. " The priest said, " Leave this pub right now! " He then approached a second Marine. " Do you want to got to heaven? " " Certainly, Father, " was the Marine's reply. " Then leave this den of Satan! " said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, " Do you want to go to heaven? " The SgtMaj replied: " No, I don't Father. " The priest looked him right in the eye and said, " You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven? " The SgtMaj smiled, " Oh, when I die! Why…yes Father. Shit, I thought you were getting a working party together to go right now! "

– When the general comes, report…

– When the general comes, report to me immediately. The general doesn't show. The sergeant gets nervous and every hour reminds the sentry to report about the general's arrival. Finally, the general comes in. – Where have you been? asks the sentry. The sergeant has already asked about you four times.

Recruits were shocked at the language…

Recruits were shocked at the language the sergeant used in their unit. During a smoke break one young soldier asked: " Sergeant, where did you le- arn your language? " " Learnit, hell, it's a gift, " proudly informed the NCO.

A soldier keeps a mug upside…

A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: – I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: – You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

A draftee went in for his…

A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M. E. for Medically Exempt. Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M. E. on his papers. " Does that mean I'm medically exempt? " he asked. " No, " answered the doctor. " M. E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel. "

The theatrical manager exclaimed: "Your last…

The theatrical manager exclaimed: " Your last role was magnificent, Mr. Brown. You enacted so well that officer wounded on the battlefield. Your suffering looked very much like real. " " It was. I've got a large nail in my shoe. " " Well, " said the manager, " for heaven's sake leave it in until the end of the run of the play. "

Colin Powell, once USA's highest ranking…

Colin Powell, once USA's highest ranking military officer, (now Secretary of State), loves to relate this incident from his Vietnam days. It shows the importance of clear objectives. Finding an outpost at a very vulnerable spot, Powell decided to investigate why it was location was chosen. He was assured that it was a very important outpost. " What's it's mission? " " To protect the airfield! " " What's the airfield here for? " " To resupply the outpost! "

Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel…

Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos. – In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov. – Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a…

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. " You simpleton! " the officer barked. " Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company? " " Yes sir, " the solder answered apologetically. " But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, " Let's eat one now and save the other until winter'- – – that did it. "