After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house. Explaining who he was he asks " What happened? " " Well, " one of the officer's says, " It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground. " The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief… " My agent came to my house? "
Movie and TV jokes
Why can't anyone stay angry long with an actress? Because she always makes up.
After a venerable career of endless, stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime and preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he unexpectedly dies and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate. " So sorry about your untimely death, " he tells the director. " But God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to direct a movie for Him. " The great man is humbled, " God wants ME to direct a film? " " Yes, " St. Peter tells him. " And we've arranged to have the best of everything made available to you. For example, the script is by William Shakespeare. " The director is stunned, " An original screenplay by William Shakespeare? " " Yes, " St. Peter assures him, " And it's his greatest work ever. " " Wow! " says the Director, awe struck. " Your Production Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo Da Vinci d oing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles. " The Director can't believe it. " This is incredible, " he says. " This will be the greatest movie ever? " St. Peter kind of shuffles his feet. " Well, " he says,...
What kind of star wears sunglasses? A movie star.
The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast. " First of all, " he tells him, " We've got Gibson in the lead. " The director is surprised, " You got Mel Gibson? " " Well, no, " the Producer responds, " we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford. " " You got Robert Redford? " the director asks. " No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But, " he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing role. " " Barbara Streisand? " he asks. " No, Elizabeth Streisand. " The Producer responds. " But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet. " " You got Robert Goulet? " the director asks. " Yeah, " the producer replies glumly, " we got Robert Goulet. "
What is an Actor? A man who tries to be everything but himself
One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: " Elvis just died! " The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. " Good career move. "
What sort of animals make the best TV presenters? Gnus – readers!
Denied membership in an exclusive country club because he was an actor, biblical epic star Victor Mature is reported to have said " Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it! "
What do you call a fight between film actors? Star wars!
Why was the actor pleased to be on the gallows? Because at last he was in the noose.
What do you get if you cross a dog and a film studio? Collie- wood!
Fred: I'd love to be an actress. Harry: Break a leg then! Amy: Whatever for? Fred: Then you'd be in a cast for weeks.
Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies toilet? To boldly go where no man has been before!
An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative. 'So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent's desk. `So you do bird impressions, 'said the agent, `what else can you do? '
What's the definition of a good actor? Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.
Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV? Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me? Neighbour: Off.
A bit- part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again. `What's the matter? 'asked the director. `I can't jump from that board! 'said the actor. `Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool? ''Yes, 'said the director. `We don't want you to drown, you know. '
Why does an actor enjoy his work so much? Because it's all play.
Why do actors like snooker halls? Because that's where they get their best cues.
Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day. Harry: Why do you say he's conceited? Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.
Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly? Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.
Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty- two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
Q: How many over eager PA's does it take to screw in a li… A: Done!
Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
Q: How many Studio Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives.
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole " light bulb" thing.
Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one… but how do you get him in there with the cute, blonde?
Q: How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
Q: How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one more, guys, I promise.
Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!
Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.
Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: WHAT?
Q: How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. No, two. No… How many do we have on the truck?