Music jokes

Q. How is a heart like a musician? A. They both have a beat: )

Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long? A: So the violists don't need to be retrained.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, " I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven? " Max replies, " Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing " Sheherezade, " your favorite piece, tomorrow night! " Abe says, " So what's the bad news? " Max replies, " Well, you're booked to play the solo! "

Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.

Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A: A chainsaw can be tuned.

Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles.

Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them.

Why did they arrest the musician? He got into treble.

Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

Q: When a 16- inch viola and a 17- inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30- story building, which one hits the pavement first? A: Who cares!

" Haven't I seen your face before? " a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. " You have, Your Honor, " the man answered hopefully. " I gave your son violin lessons last winter. " " Ah, yes, " recalled the judge. " Twenty years! "

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half- ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range.

Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.

Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with " solo" above it.

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker? A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.

What's musical and holds gallons and gallons of beer? A barrel organ.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a " tuba glue. "

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together. " Help! " cried the cellist, " I can't swim! " " Don't worry, " said the violist, " just fake it. "

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One.

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, " While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down. " The violist replied, " You're kidding! The conductor came to my house? "