Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being " lifeless as a statue. " " That is absurd, " Gore stoically stated. " When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am. " Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, " Honey, you have a pigeon on your head. "
Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. A: Two- one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking. A: None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, " What about the powerful interest that controls you? " And the other guy screamed back, " You leave my wife out of this! "
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. " Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of…(blah blah waffle)"
George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden are having a conversation via Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, " There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future! " George Bush replies, " Oh yeah and tell me what you see? " Osama answers, " I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful. " George Bush says, " Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan… I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street. " Osama asks, " And what do they say? " George answers, " Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew! "
Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two – one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
A Japanese man was boasting about how his country had such advanced medical technology. He said, " We take the lungs out of a man, perform an operation, put the lungs back in, and in 4 weeks, the man is looking for work. " An Englishman said, " We are far more advanced than you. We can take the heart out of a man, perform surgery and have him ready for work in just 3 weeks. " The Irishman says, " That's nothing; we can take a kidney out of a man, put into another man's body and have them looking for work in 2 weeks. " The American says, " Well hell, that's nothin'. We had an idiot taken out of Texas, put in the Whitehouse and now half the country is lookin'for work! "
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Once a madman said, " Do you know there is a war going on between India and Bharat? Another madman said, " Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan. "
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway: " Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? " Pres says: " You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!! "
Osama bin Laden threatened Russia: If you get caught up in this war… I'll hide from you too!
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, " Dad, how many people work in the U. S. government? " The father replies without hesitating, " Oh, about ten percent. "
I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but I've only come up with one: Lying.
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve? ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well- dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. " Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, " Hey, watch it – I'm a United States Congressman! " " In that case, " replied the mugger, " give me MY money. "
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: " Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father. " " That notion is ridiculous! " mocked George Jr. " It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once! "
QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race. ANSWER: The American people.
If the State of the Union is really " the best it's ever been" Why do we " need" dozens of new government programs to fix it!
A cargo plane is in mid- flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why? } Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America! " ) The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, " Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. " The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, " Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. " The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, " Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place. " The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, " Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us. " The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated,...
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: " What do you do if you make a mistake on a case? " the minister asked. " Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant, " replied the lawyer. " What do you do? " lawyer asked. " Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars, 'but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers, 'so I let it go, " minister replied.
Q: How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment. A: Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra lightbulb.
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had. He goes up to the girl and says, " Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing. " The little girl says, " Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats. " Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. " You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats. " The girl says, " I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now. " Bill says, " They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with? " She says, " Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open. "
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty- three to constitute a quorum.
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, DC. He saw a man standing near the curb, and asked, " Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store? " " What? " the man huffed. " Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate? " " Well no, " the tourist said, " I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway. "
Q: What has dual airbags and has lots of room? A: The White House.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two- one to do it and one to steady the chandelier. A: None, they only screw the poor
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, " I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died. " So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, " I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President". She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die. " So he takes a parachute and jumps. The fourth passenger, th e Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy, " I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies " No problem your Pope- ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag. "
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. " Because I'm not a liberal Democrat. " " Then, " asks the teacher, " What are you? " " Why I'm a proud conservative Republican, " boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. " Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too. " The teacher, now angry, loudly says, " That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then? " The teacher paused and smiled. " Then, " Lucy said, " I'd be a liberal Democrat. "
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
A small boy was asked by his teacher, " What is the size of the Democratic Party? " " About 5 feet 2 inches, " he replied promptly. " NO! " exploded the teacher.. " I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches? " " Well, " replied the boy, " my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. " I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party! "
Q: How many believable, competent, " just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Why is Congress like a cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).