Real Jokes

Throw away exhibits

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. December 18, 1992In October, a cleaning crew accidentally tossed out an exhibit at the Museum of Discovery and Science in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. The exhibit consisted of 14, 000 cigarette butts – – the amount a smoker produces in a lifetime – – crammed into coffee cans. Said the artist, in defense of the cleaning crew, " (The butts) didn't smell very good. "

Steal little things

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 17, 1993In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $ 10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.

Set up hidden cameras

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. December 18, 1992Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act. The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff. Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana plants. Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.

You aren't the worst

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; " I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar. " But after further explanation, he managed to find it. A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. " You don't need to go any further, " he sighed, I don't understand a thing. " To cheer him up, the instructor said: " Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was! "

Tied in an election

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 12, 1993Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five- card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House. Kyle's pair of sevens put him into the general election.

Ordering fast food

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. One night, a few co- workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: " Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days. "

Educational priority

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 12, 1993Rhett Jacobs, Democratic candidate for the South Carolina House and a man who listed " education" as his top priority, submitted a required campaign disclosure form in October, handwritten, on which he detailed expenses for " filling fee, " " campain work" and " litature. "

Stealing six barrels

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 12, 1993Long Beach police arrested two small, skinny men in October and charged them with stealing six 45- pound barbells from the Buffum- Downtown YMCA. The men were struggling to keep the barbells in a small cart that kept tipping over because they were not strong enough to steer it.

Kidnappers caught him

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 12, 1993San Francisco police arrested Russell C. Sultan in July and charged him with attempting to extort $ 23, 000 from his mother and girlfriend by claiming to have been kidnapped for ransom. After tracing telephone calls, police, guns drawn, burst into a motel room to find Sultan casually eating fried chicken and watching a 49ers football game. Sultan said the kidnappers had merely left him alone for a while, and exclaimed to the officers, " What took you so long? "

Destroying property

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 12, 1993Raleigh, N. C., judge Don Overby, in several recent cases involving juvenile theft, has forced the convicted kid to go home, retrieve his own most prized possession, bring it back to Overby's courtroom, and watch while the judge smashes it up.

Choking a girlfriend

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Sunday, November 29, 1992The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his ex- girlfriend. Sorensen's complaint was that his reputation was damaged because the Sun engaged in " speculation" that he had used only one hand to choke her (the other being forced into her mouth). In fact, he said he used both hands.

Pathetic lawsuits

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 16, 1993In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender. On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries. In October 1992, she filed a $ 1. 5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.

Ordered to pay fines

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Sunday, November 29, 1992The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay $ 333, 000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP's property tax payment arrived late – – after having been sent back for $ 3. 40 in additional postage.

Women pump gas now

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. January 16, 1993Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $ 2 million lawsuit in August against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self- service prices, but not for men. The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.

Threaten with a knife

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Sunday, November 29, 1992Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11- year- old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of " traveling" (taking steps without dribbling the ball). To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, " Now. Did I travel? "

Home burglar survey

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 1, 1993A survey of home burglars'work preferences published in Whittle Communications'Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV. Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20- minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.

Scent makes you gamble

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Monday, December 7, 1992In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business. The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.

Sodom village gone

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 1, 1993The Associated Press reported that the village of Sodom, Conn., disappeared, like its biblical namesake. Though it appears on maps, the AP writer interviewed residents of Sodom Road and the Sodom Corner intersection, both hallmarks of the village of Sodom, and discovered that everyone claims now to live in North Canaan

Locked in the trunk

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Monday, December 7, 1992Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in. Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, " Let me out! "

Stealing the camera

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 1, 1993Raleigh, N. C., police charged Vernon Edsel Brooks, 34, with robbing a Radio Shack in July, despite his foresight in disabling a video surveillance camera by taking the camera with him as he fled. Because he forgot to take the recorder to which the camera was connected, police found a tape containing a full facial shot of Brooks reaching for the camera.

Reduce national debt

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Monday, December 7, 1992In October, an envelope containing $ 15, 000 in cash was left, anonymously, on a chair at the Detroit IRS office with the instruction to apply it " to reduce the national debt. "

Drunk while stealing

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 1, 1993James Macdonals and William Shoesmith, both 26, were sentenced to five years in prison for bank robbery. According to his lawyer, Macdonald hated his robbery work and had to drink before each job. For what was to be the pair's last job, he got fall- down drunk and had to be carried by Shoesmith into the bank to pull off the heist. The two were soon captured.

Normal traffic stop

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Sunday, December 13, 1992After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non- poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.

Go home and wait

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 10, 1993FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed. Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and " sat tight, " just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.

Hotel's loud snorers

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Sunday, December 13, 1992In October, the Swallows Hotel in Gateshead, England, offered 11 chronic snorers a free night's stay so they it could test how well soundproofed the rooms are. The hotel staff tape- recorded the sounds coming from the rooms and promised the loudest snorer a prize.

Huge criminal record

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 10, 1993Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N. J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half- hour to print out Payne's arrest record.

Massive ball of hair

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. December 18, 1992Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street- flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200- pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, " We thought we had a goat. "

Making cars drive

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 17, 1993Fort Erie, Ontario, Constable Paul Fletcher told reporters in December that a man armed with a club tried to force a woman to drive him home with her to get money for him, but that when he waited for her to unlock the passenger door from inside, she sped away.

Economic pressures

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable. At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt- tightening orders seriously: " I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.

Unpaid parking tickets

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Chicago TribuneWilliam P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

Striking statistics

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.

People with busy lives

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. St. Paul, Minnesota: For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25- inch- by- 30- inch Post- It Easel Pads.

Unsanitary conditions

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations. The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van. Said Health Director Ted Dumas, " I've seen everything now. "

Serving on the jury

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, " That's me, " and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.

Beware of drunken bears

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8: People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the bears. " The bears are actually intoxicated up there, " said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover can be cross as a bear.