An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself " Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!. " There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: " No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you. " So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: " Okay….. NOW you're screwed. "
Red Indian Jokes
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. " Correct, " said the chief. " How did you figure it out? " The warrior answered, " It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. "
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, " Who owns the big white horse outside? " The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, " I do. Why? " The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, " I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!! " The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, " Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better. " Tonto said, " Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, " Who owns that big white horse outside? " The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, " I do. What is wrong with him this time? " The cowboy says to him, " Nothing much, I...
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, " You see that Indian? " " Yeah, " says the other cowboy. " Look, " says the first one, " he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction. " Just then the Indian looks up. " Covered wagon, " he says, " about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon. " " Incredible! " says the cowboy to his friend. " This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing! " The Indian looks up and says, " Ran over me about a half hour ago. "
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out, " What was all that about? " He replied, " Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through. "
Never squat with yer spurs on. There's two theories to arguin'with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin'off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin'you're a person of some influence, try orderin'somebody else's dog around. Never smack a man who's chewin'tobacco. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you're ridin'ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Lettin'the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin'it back in. Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave… " Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! " and then listened very closely until he heard the answer…" Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! " He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something. " No", said the other Indian. " It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, " Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! ", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, " Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! " When he heard the return, " Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! ", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes. The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, " Man! Look at the size...