Relationships

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother…

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in loveand going to get married. He says, " Just for fun, Ma, I'm goingto bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'mgoing to marry. " The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful womeninto the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat fora while. He then says, " Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry. " She immediately replies, " The red- head in the middle. " " That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know? " " I don't like her. "

Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tellshis wife about the purchase he's just made. " Olympic condoms? " she blurts, " What makes them so special? " " There are three colors, " he explains, " gold, silver and bronze. " " So what color are you gonna wear tonight? " she asks with a grin. " Gold of course, " says the proud man. The wife responds, " Why don't you wear silver – – it would be niceif you came second for a change! "

Bad habits

I overheard a friend telling his pal, " I can't break mywife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning. " " What is she doing? " the pal asks. " Waiting for me to get home. "

Deadly disease

" My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis, " mumbles an angrybiker to one of his buddies. " No, " says the friend, " people don't die of syphilis anymore. " The angry biker replies, " They do when they give it to me! "

A woman and her lover are on the bed…

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, whenall of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. " Oh, no, it's my husband! " The man says, " Where's your back door? " " We don't have a back door" says the woman. The man then asks, " Well, where do you want a back door? "

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed…

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. " My wife, " the man replied. " I'm sorry, " said Dave. " What happened to her? " " My dog bit her and she died. " Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, " My mother- in- law. My dog bit her and she died as well. " " Can I borrow your dog? " " Get in line. " replied the man.

Foreplay

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, " Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone. " " I am!!! " Lori fumed. " You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay'involved tossing a coin for position. "

For their 25th wedding anniversary…

For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, " This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary! " Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, " I'm going to come back and get you" Sent by Scott

Merry…ied talk

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, " When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever'. " " Yeah, " she replies, " When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last. '"

In comparision

Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober….

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond…

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. " It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world, " she boasted. " The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz. " " What a diamond! " " How lucky you are! " " Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, " Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse! " The ladies buzzed and asked, " And what's the Lipshitz curse? " " Lipshitz, " sighed the lady.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're…

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, " What's the matter? " He says, " Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me. "

Conversation over dinner

Conversation over dinner: WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not – don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left- handed. WOMAN: – – – silence – – – MAN: Oh Shit.

A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar…

A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes upand starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't backoff, he asked her name. " Carmen, " she replied. " That's a nice name, " he said warming up the conversation, " Who named you, your mother? " " No, I named myself, she answered. " Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen? " " Because I like cars, and I like men, " she said looking directly into his eyes. " What's your name? " " Beerfuck. " Sent by Ron

A chinese detective

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so whenhe left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective toinvestigate. A few days later he received this letter. Most Honorable Sir, You leave house, He come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see. No fee, Chen Lee

Difficult shot

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, " Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot? " " My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one, " said Bob. " Good Lord, " said David, " you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here. "

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night…

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, " What the fuck are you doing? " " Just giving you an aspirin for your headache. " The bloke answered. " But I ain't got a headache, " she yelled back. " Good then, Lets fuck! " said the bloke.

The most evil thing

" Cash, check or charge? " I asked after folding items the woman wished topurchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for atelevision set in her purse. " Do you always carry your TV remote? " I asked. " No, " she replied. " But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so Ifigured this was the most evil thing I could do to him. "

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said…

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, " I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with. " " What do you mean? " asked the attorney. " Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices? " " No, " replied the woman, " and neither does the little queer. "

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day…

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reasonthe mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband askedwhat was wrong. " Nothing, " said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. " Seriously, what's wrong? " " Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cookedand cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother'sDay, you don't even tell me so much as " Thank you. " " Why should I? " he said. " Not once in 15 years have I gottena Father's Day gift. " " Yes, " she said, " but I'm their real mother. "

These two guys go to a whorehouse…

These two guys go to a whorehouse. The first guy goes in then comes out and says, " My wife is better. " The second guy goes in then comes out and says, " You know what? Your wife IS better. "

A well laid out plan

" First, " said the playboy, " I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose. " " Oh no you're not, " said the girl. " Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks. " " Oh no you're not. " " Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks. " " Oh no you're not. " " Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you. " " Oh no you're not. " " And I'm not going to wear a condom either! " said the guy. " Oh yes you are! " said the girl.

Daddy, where did I come from?

" Daddy? " the kid asked his father. " Where did I come from? " " Ask your mother, " he replied. " I did, " the kid said. " But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket. " " Hmmmm, " chuckled his dad. " That's about the size of it? "

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman…

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. " She uses too many four- letter words for me, " was the reply. " Really? " " Yes, " answered the playboy. " Allevening long she was saying " don't" and " stop" and " quit that. "

Could you please pass…

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. " I demand proper manners in bed, " she declared, " just as I do at the dinner table. " Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. " Is that better? " he asked, with a hint of a smile. " " Yes, " replied the girl, " much better. " " Very good, darling, " the husband whispered. " Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy. "

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake…

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: " You are not getting older, You are just getting better. " When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, " Just put 'You are not getting older'at the top, and 'You are just getting better'at the bottom. " It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to servethe cake that he discovered it read: " YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM. "

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – It's the only type of cooking a " real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion. (1) The woman goes to the store. (2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill. (4) The man places the meat on the grill. (5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. (7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. (8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. (10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed " her night off. " And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

On inheritance

A little boy went up to his father and asked: " Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from? " The father replied: " Well, son, you must havegotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine. "