Patient: Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself. Doctor: Why is that? Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.
What salesman has the slickest line? A hair grease salesman.
" No, no, no! " said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. " I cannot see you today! " " That's fine, " said the salesman, " I'm selling spectacles. "
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. " That customer's going to come back here pretty mad, " he said to his boss. " Should I give him his money back? " " Money back? " roared the boss. " What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat. "
Salesman: Roll up, roll up! Come to our mammoth sale. Mammoth bargains to be had in our mammoth sale. Customer: Forget it! No one round here's got room in their houses for a mammoth.
" Is your mother home? " the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. " Yeah, she's home, " the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, " I thought you said your mother was home. " The kid replied, " She is; but this isn't where I live.
One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. " What is that? " Mikey asked. " It's a thermos, " the salesman replied. " What does it do? " asked Mikey. " This baby, " the salesman said, " keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. " After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. " What is it? " they asked. " It's a thermos, " Mikey replied. " What does it do? " they asked. " Well, " Mikey says in a bragging manner, " It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. " " What do ya got in it? " To which Mikey says, " Three cups of coffee and a popsicle. "
The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied " It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, " That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. " Yuck, this tastes terrible! " his boss yelled. The salesman replied " IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush? "
A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager. The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, " Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders. "
An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water. " What kind of salesman are you? " the boss scolded. " Get out there and sell him a boat. "
How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving.
Policeman: Why didn't you check your speedometer? Driver: It broke when I hit 100.
A door- to- door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area. " This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor. The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says, " If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off myself. " " Do you want ketchup on it? " she says, " we're not connected for electricity yet! "
Salesman: That suit looks nice. It fits like a bandage. Customer: Thanks. I bought it by accident.
The out- of- work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. Well, " the man began, " I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes. 'Then I asked her 'why? 'She replied, 'Because I love you'. "
Salesman: This jug is genuine Indian pottery. Customer: But it says " Made in Cleveland. " Salesman: Haven't you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?
A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e- mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. The reply came back shortly: " Begin vacation as of yesterday. "
Salesman: Would you like to buy a pocket calculator? Customer: No, thanks. I know how many pockets I have.
Insurance agent to would- be client: " Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonite. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know.
Customer: You said these pants were pure wool, but the label says " all cotton. " Salesman: Oh, that's just to keep the moths away.
The couple was standing staring at one of the more expensive models in the auto showroom. A salesman sensing their debate over the price moved in and said, " This model is priced just over the car which is priced a few dollars above the car which costs no more than some models of the lowest priced cars. "
Ned: What does your Dad sell? Ed: Salt. Ned: Well, my dad is a salt seller, too. Ed: Shake.
An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. " Look at it this way sir. " he said finally. " How would your wife carry on if you should die? " " Well…" drawled the weather- beaten man, " I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine – – long as she behaves herself while I'm alive. "
What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!
A policeman came upon a super- salesman about to jump from a bridge and yelled, " Wait, Fellow! Please don't do that!!! " The salesman said, " Why not? " and proceeded to expound on his views on the shaky economy, declining family life and Clinton politics. Shortly thereafter, they both jumped.
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies " I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, " Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat. " And the owner says " Sold, " and hands over the cat. The collector continues, " Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish. " And the owner says, " Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty- eight cats. "
A woman was shopping in a fairly nice dress store. Trying on a dress and liking it, she asked the salesman the price. When he told her she launched into a tirade about prices these days, covering just about everything from housing to auto tires. After ten minutes or so, the salesman had obviously had enuff and said, " My dear lady. If the cost of living is so high and obviously so offensive to you, why do you bother? "
What happened when the man asked the salesman for a good belt? " O. K., you asked for it, " the salesman said as he gave him a good belt.
Had a door- to- door salesman call one time selling of all things – – burial plots. I told him that we already had our plots in another cemetery. He seemed uncertain as to what to say next, but he recovered to say politely, " I hope you'll be very happy there. "
What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman? Lots.
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. " I will grant you three wishes, " announced the genie. " But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well – – only double. " The salesman thought about this for a while. " For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars, " he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $ 10, 000, 000 had been deposited. " But your rival has just received $ 20, 000, 000, " the genie said. " I've always wanted a Ferrari, " the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. " But your rival has just received two Ferraris, " the genie said. " And what is your last wish? " " Well, " said the salesman, " I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant. "
How do salespeople traditionally greet each other? " Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm better than you. "
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable'comb for everyone to see and said, " And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside. "
Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, " I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot. " At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling " The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here! "
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, " I can't do anything about this – it's a hardware problem. " The hardware manager says, " Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself. " The marketing manager says, " Hey, 75% of it is working – let's ship it! "