School

College Dorm

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: " The female dormitory will be out- of- bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $ 20 the first time. " He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $ 60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $ 180. Are there any questions? " At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: " How much for a season pass? "

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye…

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway.. ) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). " And how do you find the English students, Donald? " she asked. " Mother, " he replied, " they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night. " " Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours? " " Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes. "

A Modest Essay

A Modest Essay 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award- winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty- Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single- handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist,...

New University Promos

New University Promos It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash, unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle of 'Sesame Street'episodes, to differentiate themselves from their competitors. BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!! PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the...

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure…

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He says, " A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse. " One student stands up and says, " Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit. "

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day…

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out. " If I gave you $ 20, " the teacher began, " and you gave $ 5 to Mary, $ 5 to Sally and $ 5 to Susan, what would you have? " " An orgy, " Johnny answered.

How to write a paper

How to write a paper1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well- lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double- spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see- thru plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10. Listen to your other favourite cd. 11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order....

How does physics save lives?

One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. Apre- med student rudely interrupted to ask " Why do we have to learn thisstuff? " " To save lives. " the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. " So how does physicssave lives? " he persisted. " It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school, " replied the professor.

SAT score decay

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years. The following may be the reason why. A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $ 100. His cost of production is four- fifths of this price. What is his profit? A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $ 100. His cost of porduction is four- fifths of this price, or $ 80. What is his profit? A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $ 1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits? A math problem in the 80'sA logger sells a truckload of wood for $ 100. His cost of production is $ 80, and his profit is $ 20. Your assignment: underline the number 20. A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education. By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $ 20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?...

Mrs. Prussy

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said " Miss Crunt? "

Disprove this!

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. " In English, " he said, " A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. " A voice from the back of the room piped up, " Yeah, right. "

A unit in sex education was about to begin…

A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. Little Johnny handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, " My mom says I can take the course as long as there's no homework. "

Teaching

Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart- ass student pipes up: " What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir? " The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: " Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand. "

Expands up to six times its size

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, " Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions. " Mary gasped and said in a huff, " Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going tohear of it when I get home! " She sat down, red- faced. " Susan, can you tell me the answer? " asked Mr. Baldwin. " The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions, " said Susan. " Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday! "

Are You About to Employ a Robot?

Are You About to Employ a Robot? This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB PsychologyDepartment. It is intended to be used by companies that arerecruiting on campus. With this test you can determine whether anapplicant you are interviewing is a Robot, a Vulcan/Math MAjor, or aLiberal Arts major. Tear off here, and administer test below to students – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice. 1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 104. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori= 1to+ + x10goto106. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+ 4= 2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP- 28C 2) Complex Analysis8. In...

Bonkistry

Bonkistry Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion yearsby Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi- affectionately knownas " Bonkistry. " He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it pasthim to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there werethese two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on allof the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into thefinal they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that theweekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangoversand everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back toDuke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain tohim why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVafor the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but thatthey had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare andcouldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back tocampus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make upthe final...

The College Food Chain

The College Food Chain THE DEANLeaps tall buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a locomotiveIs faster than a speeding bulletWalks on waterGives policy to GodTHE DEPARTMENT HEADLeaps short buildings in a single boundIs more powerful than a switch engineIs just as fast as a speeding bulletTalks with GodPROFESSORLeaps short buildings with a running start and favorable windsIs almost as powerful as a switch engineIs faster than a speeding BBWalks on water in an indoor swimming poolTalks with God if a special request is honoredASSOCIATE PROFESSORBarely clears a quonset hutLoses tug of war with a locomotiveCan fire a speeding bulletSwims wellIs occassionally addressed by GodASSISTANT PROFESSORMakes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildingsIs run over by locomotivesCan sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self- injuryTreads waterTalks to animalsINSTRUCTORClimbs walls continuallyRides the railsPlays Russian RouletteWalks on thin icePrays a lotGRADUATE STUDENTRuns into buildingsRecognizes locomotives two out of three timesIs not issued ammunitionCan stay afloat with a life jacketTalks to wallsUNDERGRADUATE STUDENTFalls over doorstep when trying to enter buildingsSays " Look at the choo- choo" Wets himself with a water pistolPlays in mud puddlesMumbles to himselfDEPARTMENT SECRETARYLifts buildings and walks under themKicks locomotives off the tracksCatches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats themFreezes water with a single glanceShe IS God.

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Letter from Daughter to Parents Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remissin writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not havingwritten before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and theconcussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when itcaught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only getthose sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendantat the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the firedepartment and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and sinceI had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enoughto invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply inlove and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, butit will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking...

College by Dave Barry

College by Dave Barry Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college. ) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates. Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college: * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe- paper stains out of your pajamas. * Things you will not need to know in later life (1, 998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in – ology, – – – osophy, – istry, – ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life. It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize – – don't ask me why – –...

American University Grading Procedures

American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the AmericanUniversity grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: – All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: – Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, closethem and turn them in. The professor opens the books andassigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: – All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELEGION: – Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: – What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: – Students are asked to defend their position of why theyshould receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: – Grades are variable. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: – If and only if the student is present for the final andthe student has accumulated a passing grade then the studentwill receive an A else the student will not receive an A. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: – Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: – Everybody gets an A.

Academy of Mudgeology

Academy of MudgeologySome selections from our catalog: Course number/Title/(Days/Time)MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB (MW 10: 00- 10: 50)HIS024 U. S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO (TH 12: 00- 1: 15)GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS (MWF 2: 00- 2: 50)ENG537 SURVEY IN ENG LIT: SIR FRANCIS BACON AND LORD HENRY SAUSAGE (MWF 9: 00- 11: 15)POLS834 U. S. DOMESTIC POLICY: IF FROGS COULD VOTE (TH 1: 30- 2: 45)ANT248 AMISH PARTY GAMES (W 6: 00- 8: 15)FR106 ELEMENTARY FRENCH TOAST (MW 8: 00- 8: 50)COM193 TOPICS FROM " GREEN ACRES": LIFE AND TIMES OF MR. HANEY (TU 7: 00- 9: 15)HIS456 THE HISTORY OF SOUP (TH 9: 30- 10: 45)CHE546 THE SCIENCE OF PLAY- DOH (MWF 10: 00- 10: 50)PHI101 THE RAMBLINGS OF DEAD, DRUNKEN PHILOSOPHERS (MWF 9: 00- 9: 50)ARC555 ARCHITECTURE OF THE BRADY BUNCH HOME (WTBS 4: 35- 5: 05)MOO108 THE BOVINE ERA, PART IV: COW HISTORY SINCE 1784 (TH 5: 30- 7: 15)ENG327 SHAKESPEAREAN MEMOS, MENUS, AND GROCERY LISTS (TH 11: 00- 12: 15)ANT764 NOMADIC TRIBES OF SUB- SAHARAN AFRICA THAT ARE REALLY JUST LOST (MW 3: 00- 3: 50)MATH001 COMPREHENSIVE STUDY OF THE NUMBER SEVEN (TH 9: 30- 10: 45)POLS497 POLITICAL PARTY ETHICS (M 1: 00- 1: 05)ARC123 DESIGNING MODERN CITIES USING LEGOS (MWF 2: 00- 2: 50)MATH198 MATHEMATICS SO HARD THAT NO ONE CAN DO IT (W 6: 00- 8: 30)COM253 UNDERSTANDING THE PLOT TWISTS...

No $

No $ Dear Dad, $ chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $ tudying very hard. With all my $ tuff, I $ imply can't think of anything I need, $ o if you wouldlike, you can ju$ t $ end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $ on. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even anhoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NObletask, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Rabbits Ph.D. Thesis

Rabbit's Ph. D. Thesis: A Parable for Graduate StudentsScene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outsidehis burrow, tippy- tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox: " What are you working on? " Rabbit: " My thesis. " Fox: " Hmmm. What's it about? " Rabbit: " Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes. " (incredulous pause)Fox: " That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes. " Rabbit: " Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me. " They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, therabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit. Wolf: " What's that you're writing? " Rabbit: " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves. " (loud guffaws)Wolf: " You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you? " Rabbit: " No problem. Do you want to see why? " The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbitreturns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room, a huge lion is belching and picking his...

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test

Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S. A. P. ) ENGLISH 1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question? a. b. c. d. e. none of the above 2. ingot: bleak:: ingot: _______ a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak 3. pork: algae:: green: _______ a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red 4. mugger: park:: king: _______ a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak READING COMPREHENSION Read the following carefully and answer the questions below. In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upperatmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects theweather. These contentions, however, are for the most partunconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, aBritish researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that " theperiods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenzavirus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots. " Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such asthis one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists. Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in suchpossibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaksof plague- spreading rodents in central Asia. 1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking? a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media 2. The term " most Western" means a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d....

Special High Intensity Teaching

Special High Intensity TeachingMemo to all students: In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivityFrom students, it will be our policy to keep all students welltaught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING(S. H. I. T. ). We are trying to give our students more S. H. I. T. than any other school. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilledat seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Students who don't know S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTALEDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. ). Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T. ). Since our lecturers took S. H. I. T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, as they are all full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you may be interested in a jobteaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDINGLECTURE LIST (B. U. L. L. S. H. I....

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

This assignment was actually turned in by two English students: – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Rebecca and Gary English 44ASMUCreative WritingProf Miller In- class Assignment for WednesdayToday we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the personsitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then writethe first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read thefirst paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Thefirst person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back andforth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in orderto keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree aconclusion has been reached. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –...