Stats/Math Jokes

Equal positive integers

Theorem: All positive integers are equal. Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction. If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+ 1. Then MAX((A- 1), (B- 1)) = k. And hence (A- 1) = (B- 1). Consequently, A = B.

Two plus two is five

" First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty- five years of the half- century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be. " – – Jacques Futrelle, " The Problem of Cell 13" Most mathematicians are familiar with – – or have at least seen references in the literature to – – the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here. Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2- knot rope is put together with another 2- knot rope, a 5- knot rope results. Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof's nonappearance was not caused by a cover- up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the...

Numbers equal zero

Theorem: All numbers are equal to zero. Proof: Suppose that a= b. Thena = ba^2 = aba^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2(a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)a + b = ba = 0Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

Debate about the box

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced- in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. " No no, " says the physicist, " there's a better way. " He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: " No, no, there's an even better way. " To the others'amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: " I define myself to be on the outside. "

Three is equal to four

Theorem: 3= 4Proof: Suppose: a + b = cThis can also be written as: 4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3cAfter reorganizing: 4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3cTake the constants out of the brackets: 4 * (a+ b- c) = 3 * (a+ b- c)Remove the same term left and right: 4 = 3

Story about infinity

A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar- b- que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number – – room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them

Dollars equal cents

Theorem: 1$ = 1c. Proof: And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing. 1$ = 100c= (10c)^2= (0. 1$ )^2= 0. 01$ = 1cHere $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci. physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

The math one-liners

Math problems? Call 1- 800- [(10x)(13i)^2]- [sin(xy)/2. 362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together! Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x…Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x? Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Dollars equal ten cents

Theorem: 1$ = 10 centProof: We know that $ 1 = 100 centsDivide both sides by 100$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents= > $ 1/100 = 1 centTake square root both side= > squr($ 1/100) = squr (1 cent)= > $ 1/10 = 1 cent Multiply both side by 10= > $ 1 = 10 cent

The birthday study

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. – – S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.

N equals N plus one

Theorem: n= n+ 1Proof: (n+ 1)^2 = n^2 + 2* n + 1Bring 2n+ 1 to the left: (n+ 1)^2 – (2n+ 1) = n^2Substract n(2n+ 1) from both sides and factoring, we have: (n+ 1)^2 – (n+ 1)(2n+ 1) = n^2 – n(2n+ 1)Adding 1/4(2n+ 1)^2 to both sides yields: (n+ 1)^2 – (n+ 1)(2n+ 1) + 1/4(2n+ 1)^2 = n^2 – n(2n+ 1) + 1/4(2n+ 1)^2This may be written: [ (n+ 1) – 1/2(2n+ 1) ]^2 = [ n – 1/2(2n+ 1) ]^2Taking the square roots of both sides: (n+ 1) – 1/2(2n+ 1) = n – 1/2(2n+ 1)Add 1/2(2n+ 1) to both sides: n+ 1 = n

Answering machine

Hello, this is probably 438- 9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I'm probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn't end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I'm still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and I'll probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0. 645. Have a nice day.

One plus one are two

Theorem: 1 + 1 = 2Proof: n(2n – 2) = n(2n – 2)n(2n – 2) – n(2n – 2) = 0(n – n)(2n – 2) = 02n(n – n) – 2(n – n) = 02n – 2 = 02n = 2n + n = 2or setting n = 11 + 1 = 2

The results of statistics

. Ten percent of all car thieves are left- handed2. All polar bears are left- handed3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles3. Work stuffs up your eyesight1. All dogs are animals2. All cats are animals3. Therefore, all dogs are cats1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

Four is equal to five

Theorem: 4 = 5Proof: – 20 = – 2016 – 36 = 25 – 454^2 – 9* 4 = 5^2 – 9* 54^2 – 9* 4 + 81/4 = 5^2 – 9* 5 + 81/4(4 – 9/2)^2 = (5 – 9/2)^24 – 9/2 = 5 – 9/24 = 5

Worries while flying

Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, " Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever! "

All numbers are equal

Theorem: All numbers are equal. Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Thena + b = t(a + b)(a – b) = t(a – b)a^2 – b^2 = ta – tba^2 – ta = b^2 – tba^2 – ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 – tb + (t^2)/4(a – t/2)^2 = (b – t/2)^2a – t/2 = b – t/2a = bSo all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.

Risk of plane bombs

A mathematician and a non- mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic. " Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes. " " 1: 10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine! " " Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non- crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1: 10000 squared. "

One is negative one

Theorem: 1 = – 1Proof: 1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(- 1 * – 1) = sqrt(- 1) * sqrt(- 1) = 1^ = – 1Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other. 1 = sqrt(1)- 1 = sqrt(1)Therefore 1 = – 1As an alternative method for solving: Theorem: 1 = – 1Proof: x= 1x^2= xx^2- 1= x- 1(x+ 1)(x- 1)= (x- 1)(x+ 1)= (x- 1)/(x- 1)x+ 1= 1x= 00= 1= > 0/0= 1/1= 1

Misunderstood people

1. They speak only the Greek language. 2. They usually have long threatening names such as Bonferonni, Tchebycheff, Schatzoff, Hotelling, and Godambe. Where are the statisticians with names such as Smith, Brown, or Johnson? 3. They are fond of all snakes and typically own as a pet a large South American snake called an ANOCOVA. 4. For perverse reasons, rather than view a matrix right side up they prefer to invert it. 5. Rather than moonlighting by holding Amway parties they earn a few extra bucks by holding pocket- protector parties. 6. They are frequently seen in their back yards on clear nights gazing through powerful amateur telescopes looking for distant star constellations called ANOVA's. 7. They are 99% confident that sleep can not be induced in an introductory statistics class by lecturing on z- scores. 8. Their idea of a scenic and exotic trip is traveling three standard deviations above the mean in a normal distribution. 9. They manifest many psychological disorders because as young statisticians many of their statistical hypotheses were rejected. 10. They express a deap- seated fear that society will someday construct tests that will enable everyone to make the same score. Without variation or individual differences the field of statistics has no real function and a statistician becomes a penniless ward of the state.

Log negative one zero

Theorem: log(- 1) = 0Proof: a. log[(- 1)^2] = 2 * log(- 1)On the other hand: b. log[(- 1)^2] = log(1) = 0Combining a) and b) gives: 2* log(- 1) = 0Divide both sides by 2: log(- 1) = 0

Statistical one-liners

A new government 10 year survey cost $ 3, 000, 000, 000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population. According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority. Did you know that 87. 166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? 80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot. According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate in surveys. Q: What do you call a statistician on drugs? A: A high flyer. Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 1- 3, alpha =. 05There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates. Q: Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees? A: It's referred to as the log scale. Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course? A: He improved his confidence from. 95 to. 99. Q: Why don't statisticians like to model new clothes? A: Lack of fit. Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail? A: He now has zero degrees of freedom. Statisticians must stay away from children's toys because they regress so easily. The only time a pie chart...

Proof E equal to one

Theorem: e= 1Proof: 2* e = f2^(2* pi* i)e^(2* pi* i) = f^(2* pi* i)e^(2* pi* i) = 1Therefore: 2^(2* pi* i) = f^(2* pi* i)2= fThus: e= 1

Reducing travel risk

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it, then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, " Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there. "

One equal to one half

Theorem: 1 = 1/2: Proof: We can re- write the infinite series 1/(1* 3) + 1/(3* 5) + 1/(5* 7) + 1/(7* 9)+…as 1/2((1/1 – 1/3) + (1/3 – 1/5) + (1/5 – 1/7) + (1/7 – 1/9) +… ). All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2. We can also re- write the series as (1/1 – 2/3) + (2/3 – 3/5) + (3/5 – 4/7)+ (4/7 – 5/9) +…All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1. Thus 1/2 = 1.

Purchasing the shoes

A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. " No problem, " says the mathematician, " there is a simple equation for that, " and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, " What is that symbol? " " That is the Greek letter pi. " " What is pi? " " That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle. " Upon this the shoeseller cries out: " What does a circle have to do with shoes?! "

Crocodile is longer

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide. From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

The fate of marriages

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice…

Math is turning bad

" Psst, c'mere, " said the shifty- eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed. " What are you selling? " I asked. " Geometrical algebra drugs. " " Huh!? " " Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside- outers…" " Stop right there, " I interrupted. " I've never heard of inside- outers. " " Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M. C. ever- lovin'Escher on a particularly weird day. " " Go on…" " OK, your inside- outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones, " he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. " What are those, then? " I asked. " Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed. " " Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers? " " There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love – – they call it 'One Over Z'on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity. "

Refrigerate elephants

Analysis: 1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig. 2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3. Apply the Banach- Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1. First factorize, second multiply. 2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in. Algebra: 1. Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig. Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition. 2. Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant. Topology: 1. Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out. 2. Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle. 3. The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant. 4. The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That's usually good enough. 5. The property of being inside the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator. 6. For those who object to method 3 because it's cruel to animals. Put the elephant's BABY in the refrigerator. Algebraic topology: Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3. Linear algebra: 1. Put just its basis and span it in the refrig. 2. Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x. Affine geometry: There is...