Time jokes

While proudly showing off his new apartment…

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. " What is the big brass gong and hammer for? " one of his friends asked. " That is the talking clock, " the man replied. " How's it work? " the friend asked. " Watch, " the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, " KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's two AM! "

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave…

For a weddin'present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, " W'atcha do with the money, son? " " Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy! " answered the boy. " Yew dumb ignoramous! " yelled his father. " Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle! " " A rifle? What fer? " " Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin'wid yore wife, " explained the older redneck. " W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is? "

' I hope you' re…

'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock, 'said the principal to a new boy. 'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three- fifteen. '

The proud owner of an impressive new…

The proud owner of an impressive new clock was showing it off to a friend. 'This clock, 'he said, 'will go for 14 days without winding. ''Really? 'replied his friend, 'And how long will it go if you do wind it? '

A blonde asked someone what time it…

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4: 45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied, " You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer. "

A man had been driving all night…

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. " Yes? " " Excuse me, sir, " the jogger said, " do you have the time? " The man looked at the car clock and answered, " 8: 15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. " Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? " " 8: 25! " The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another o ne disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, " I do not know the time! " Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock...