War

A young, freshly minted lieutenant…

A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, " If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do? " " Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area. "

The new Ensign was assigned to subs…

The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamedof working since a young boy. He was trying to impressthe Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, " Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch. "

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant…

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, theLieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which theColonel's wife smiled demurely, " Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand. "

A gentler way

At the morning roll call at Fort Dix, the sergeant called out, " Platoon, atten- HUT! Private Martinez, report to the office. Your brother died last night. " The Chaplain, Rabbi Horowitz, looked on in horror. " Sergeant, " he saidafterwards, " that's a rather cruel and unfeeling way to break tragic news. We must be more gentle and less abrupt in the future, " The sergeant shrugged. " Yes sir. I'll try to remember that. " He didn'tlook very convinced. Several days later, a call came in about another family death. As the troops were assembling for roll call, the Chaplain stepped forward. " Let me take this one, sergeant", he said. He turned toward the sleepy- looking soldiers and said, " Platoon, atten- HUT! " They came to attention. " Good morning, men! " he said. " Good morning, sir", they replied. " Men, today is Mother's Day, and I hope all of you will be calling home to send your moms a loving thought. In fact, all of youwho are fortunate enough to still have a mother who's alive and well, take two steps forward. Private Jones; not so fast! "

During an Army war game…

During an Army war game, a commanding officer'sjeep got stuck in the mud. The C. O. saw some menlounging around nearby and asked them to helphim get unstuck. " Sorry sir, " said one of the loafers, " but we'vebeen classified dead and the umpire said we couldn'tcontribute in any way. " The C. O. turned to his driver and said, " Go drag acouple of those dead bodies over here and throw themunder the wheels to give us some traction. "

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India…

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection. " Sergeant- Major! " the colonel shouted. " Give this man 30 dayscompassionate home leave. " " Yessir, " the Sgt. Major replied. A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man. " Sergeant- Major! Give this man another 30 dayscompassionate home leave, " the Colonel barked. A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry. " Sergeant- Major! Haven't we given thisman two compassionate home leaves? " " Yessir, " the Sgt. Major replies. " Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major? " the Colonel asks. The Sgt. Major salutes and says, " Sir. It's you he's fond of. "

Two men were boasting to each other…

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. " Why, my outfit was so well drilled, " declared one, " that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click. " " Very good, " conceded the other, " but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle. " " What was the jingle? " asked the first. " Oh, " replied the other off hand, " just our medals. "

A dog for a wife

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his firstassignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervousyoung Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out " Sir, Good Evening, Sir! " The General, out for some relaxation, returned the saluteand said " Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it? " Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going todisagree with the General, so the he saluted again andreplied " Sir, Yes Sir! ". The General continued, " You know there's something about astormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree? " The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just aprivate, and responded " Sir, Yes Sir! " The General, pointing at the dog, " This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train. " The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said" Sir, Yes Sir! " The General continued " I got this dog for my wife. " The Private simply said " Good trade Sir! "

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone…

Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't havechange for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base'scorridor floors, and asked him, " Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? " Private Duncan replied, " Sure. " The Corporal turned red. He said, " That's no way to address asuperior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you havechange for a dollar? " Private Duncan replied, " No, SIR! "

British Military Officer Fitness Reports

British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form usedfor Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following areactual excerpts taken from people's " 206's"…. – His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. – I would not breed from this Officer. – This Officer is really not so much of a has- been, but more of a definitely won't- be. – When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. – He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. – He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. – Technically sound, but socially impossible. – This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere. – This young lady has delusions of adequacy. – When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably. – This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. – Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig. – She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. – He has...

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many…

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to voteon a method of determining each General's early retirementbonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $ 10, 000 per inch. They called in the first General. He decide to havethem measure from the top of his head to the bottom of hisfeet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $ 720, 000. The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretchedhis arms above his head, and asked them to measure from thetips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $ 960, 000. The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom ofhis balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer. The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make themeasurement, but instead he exclaimed, " Good God man, whereare your balls!! " With a smile the General said, " I left them in Vietnam. " Sent by Sparky and Wife

It was the age when knighthood was in flower…

It was the age when knighthood was in flower. A young lady was pounding away at a piece ofiron with a sledgehammer. Another young ladysaw her and asked, " What are you doing? " The first one answered, " I'm making socks andsweater for some soldier boy! "

During the Vietnam war…

During the Vietnam war, a Lieutenant asked a Marine why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. " Didn't you hear me say that we're outnumbered 4 to 1? " The Marine replied, " I got my four Sir. "

During the World War II…

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something – at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, " What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table? " The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, " Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do? " The navigator told him. The captain replied, " Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed! "

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump…

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The corporal explained the procedure " You count toten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second. That should do it. Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up. " The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary" Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted toten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn'topen. As he plummeted downward, he said, " I'll bet thatgoddamn truck won't be there either! "

There is a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands…

There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, " Man, I am really lucky to be alive! " Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, " I can't believe I survived this wreck! " The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, " Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals. " The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, " You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. " The Air Force guy says " Let me see what else survived this wreck. " So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the NAVY and...

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers…

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He wentthough the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higherand higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from anairplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him thenews. " So, did you jump? " the father asked. " Well, let me tell you whathappened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the doorand asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked outof the plane! " Is that when you jumped? " asked the father. " Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throwthem out the door. " " Did you jump then? " asked the father. " I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last manleft on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. Hetold be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt. " " So, did you jump? " " Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. TheJump Master is this great big guy, about six- foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna...

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier…

A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, " I think I'll just go and shoot myself. " The sergeant said, " Better take a couple of extra bullets! "

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss…

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The sailor says: yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.

Red shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, " Bring me my red shirt! " The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which thecaptain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vesselssending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calmas ever bellowed, " Bring me my red shirt! " And once again the battle wason, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boardingparties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recountingthe day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, " Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle? " The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, " If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid. " The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawncame the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them,...

A drill instructor at Airborne school was…

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a groupof new troops on making a proper jump. He told them: " When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up, you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo! 'and wait for your shoot to open. Got It? Good, get in the plane. " After a short flight he yelled " Stand UP! Hook UP! " and beganshoving the troops out the door. Just after the last trooperexited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someoneknocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked himin the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON- – written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H. M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I...

What time is it?

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field andcivilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the controltower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from anaircraft asking, " What time is it? " The tower responded, " Who is calling? " The aircraft replied, " What difference does it make? " The tower replied " It makes a lot of difference. If it is anAmerican Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it isan Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little handis on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. "

The company sergent is briefing the recruits…

The company sergent is briefing the recruits: " For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so youknow what that makes you…"

From one of Tom Clancy books…

From one of Tom Clancy's books: Commanding officer: " Alright! How about an attitude check??? " Crew (In Unison): " I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE! " CO: " Now, let's be more positive…" Crew: " I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE! " CO: " OK, How about a negative attitde check…" Crew: " I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE! " CO: " OK, How about a short attitude check..? " Crew: " FUCK THIS PLACE! "

Good sales strategy

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advisednew recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success- rate, selling insurance to nearly100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones'sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, " If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, thegovernment has to pay $ 200, 000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don'thave a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government onlyhas to pay a maximum of $ 6000. " " Now, " he concluded, " which group do YOU think they are going to sendinto battle first? "

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral…

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, " Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get overhere! " The private reports as ordered, " Yes sir? " The general says, " See that man over there? Kill him! " Without hesitating, the private kills the man. The general says, " See? That man has balls! " The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here! " The marine private reports, " Yes, sir? " The marine general says, " See that man over there? Kill him andthen kill yourself. " Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M- 16 and blowsaway the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds. The marine general says, " See? Now that man has balls! " The admiral says, " That's nothing. " He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, " Hey, seaman, jump offthat tower! " The seaman answers, " Excuse me, sir? " The admiral repeats, " JUMP OFF THAT TOWER! " The seaman replies, " Fuck you, sir! " The admiral says, " See? That man has balls and he's got brains too! "

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment…

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night timeexcersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. " Scared, Lieutenant? ", I asked. He replied, " No, just a bit apperhensive. " I asked, " What's the diffrence?? " He replied, " That means I'm scared with a university education. "

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field…

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: " Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see. " The CO said " I see millions of stars. " 1st Sgt.: " And what does that tell you, sir? " CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top? " 1st Sgt.: " Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent. "

By definition

A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt. 's green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, " Why yes I am…you wanna wear my hat? " The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head. As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in. He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, " Hey, are you a Marine? " The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and responded, " That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off? " The boy replied nervously, " I- I- I'm not in the Army!! I'm just wearing his hat!! " Sent by Brian

A good idea

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked bythe doctor, " Why do you want to join the Navy, son? " " My father said it'd be a good idea, sir. " " Oh? And what does your father do? " " He's in the Army, sir. "

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment…

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from AirForce fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft. " Obviously the Air Force knows there'sno such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft, '" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, " because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Armypays its men to jump. " " You've got it all wrong, Major, " an Air Force sergeant replied. " The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitchabout the salary. "