Should I have a baby after 35? No, 35 children is enough.
One woman to another at a singles bar: " I'm not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with? "
Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
What Do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice.
Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. " It's perfect! " he exclaimed. " It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips. " Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. " If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten! "
Boy: Do you have fever? Girl: No, why? Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Q: Why is a modem better than a woman? A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: " Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping! "
Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?
A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. " I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes, " he said. " No, " young woman replied, " I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes. " " Close enough! " said the trucker.
Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed? To feed her nightmare.
At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. " Honey, " she said to her husband, " when I get my way, that's a compromise. " " What is it when I get my way? " he was quick to ask. She replied, " That's a miracle! "
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months! – I don't like to interrupt her.
Why did the women cross the road? Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen?!!!
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. " Now what should I do? " His mother has an idea. " Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal? " He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated, " he groaned. " She insisted on washing the dishes. " " What's wrong with that? " asked his mother. " We hadn't started eating yet. "
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%. – It's called wedding cake.
Why are women such bad drivers? Because there is no road between the bedroom and the bathroom.
OUESTION: What is cosmetics? ANSWER: Cosmetics is a woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
My wife asked me " What's on the TV? " – I said, " Dust! "
Brother: What kind of sharks never eat women? Sister: Man- eating sharks.
QUESTION: What is the difference between a " Battery" and a woman? ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. – Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh, doctor, my girlfriend’s just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in, say, three or four weeks’time?
QUESTION: What's the best way to get a youthful figure? ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.
Why do men die before their wives? – They want to.
What do you calll a woman that people sit on? Cher!
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said, " I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only. " The man thought about his first wish and decided, " I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women. " POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading " Wife Wanted. " – The next day he received a hundred letters saying " You can have mine. "
Women are like computers – – even your smallest mistakes are stored in long- term memory for later retrieval.
What are the three fastest means of communication? Internet, telephone, telawoman.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads, " For Women Only. " Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. " We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. " They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, " All the men on this floor are short and plain. " The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, " All the men here are short and handsome. " Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, " All the men here are tall and plain. " They still want to do better, and so, knowing there nare still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. " All the men here are tall and handsome. " The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing,...
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.