Women

One woman to another at a…

One woman to another at a singles bar: " I'm not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be. These days, when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my children to spend every other weekend with? "

Smart man + Smart Woman =…

Smart man + Smart Woman = Romance Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Shortly after the birth of their…

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. " It's perfect! " he exclaimed. " It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips. " Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up. " If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten! "

Q: Why is a modem better…

Q: Why is a modem better than a woman? A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.

A few women were discussing diet…

A few women were discussing diet tips. When it was mentioned that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as important as watching food intake, one woman responded with surprise that sleep was a factor. Another replied: " Of course sleep is a factor. The only time I'm not eating is when I'm sleeping! "

Teacher: Who was the first woman…

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know, Sir. Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

A young woman with a happy,…

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a short conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. " I just know you are small, blond with blue eyes, " he said. " No, " young woman replied, " I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes. " " Close enough! " said the trucker.

At a family gathering, husband began…

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. " Honey, " she said to her husband, " when I get my way, that's a compromise. " " What is it when I get my way? " he was quick to ask. She replied, " That's a miracle! "

A young man called his mother…

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. " Now what should I do? " His mother has an idea. " Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal? " He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated, " he groaned. " She insisted on washing the dishes. " " What's wrong with that? " asked his mother. " We hadn't started eating yet. "

In the beginning, God created the…

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. – Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A man was walking on the…

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said, " I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only. " The man thought about his first wish and decided, " I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women. " POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

A man inserted an advertisement in…

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading " Wife Wanted. " – The next day he received a hundred letters saying " You can have mine. "

A group of girlfriends is on…

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads, " For Women Only. " Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. " We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. " They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, " All the men on this floor are short and plain. " The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, " All the men here are short and handsome. " Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, " All the men here are tall and plain. " They still want to do better, and so, knowing there nare still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. " All the men here are tall and handsome. " The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing,...