Women

A man was walking along a…

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said " You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! " The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, " I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. " Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? " The genie laughed and said, " That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish. " The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, " I've been married and divorced four times. My w ives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they...

A fresh-faced lad on the eve…

A fresh- faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, " Mom, why are wedding dresses white? " The mother looks at her son and replies, " Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure. " The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, " Dad, why are wedding dresses white? " The father looks at his son in surprise and says, " Son, all household appliances come in white. "

Q: How many 'Real Women' does…

Q: How many 'Real Women'does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman'would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane…

On a Trans- Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. " I'm too young to die! " she wails. Then she yells, " Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?? " For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. " I can make you feel like a woman, " he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one move s. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: " Iron this. "

A woman is a person who,…

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, " Never mind, I'll do it myself, " and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, " Now what are you mad about? " says, " If you don't know I'm not going to tell you. "

If your dog is barking at…

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? – The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

The woman's secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. " No woman, " said one man, scornfully, " can keep a secret. " " I don't know about that, " huffily answered a woman guest. " I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty- one. " " You'll let it out some day, " the man insisted. " I hardly think so! " responded the lady. " When a woman has kept a secret for twenty- seven years, she can keep it forever. "

Woman saying something smart

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with " A man one told me…. "

A Florida Genie

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, " OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish! " The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, " I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? " The genie laughed and said, " That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete – – how much steel!! No, think of another wish. " The man said, " OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish. " Finally, he said, " I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say " nothing, ", know...

Breast Awareness

Finally, something other than smiley faces…. Perfect breasts(o)(o)Fake silicone breasts( + )( + )Perky breasts(* )(* )Big nipple breasts(@ )(@ )A cupso oD cups{ O }{ O }Wonder bra breasts(oYo)Cold breasts( ^ )( ^ )Lopsided breasts(o)(O)Pierced Breasts(Q)(O)Hanging Tassels Breasts(p)(p)Against The Shower Door Breasts( )( )Android Breasts o oMartha Stewart's Breasts($ )($ )OK Girls- – now that you have had your laugh, remember breast cancer awareness – – so have those boobs checked out and stay healthy…

Women's secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. " No woman, " said one man, scornfully, " can keep a secret. " " I don't know about that, " huffily answered a woman guest. " I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty- one. " " You'll let it out some day, " the man insisted. " I hardly think so! " responded the lady. " When a woman has kept a secret for twenty- seven years, she can keep itforever. "

8 things women won't say

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary? 7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big! 5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 2. I don't care if it's on sale, $ 300 is way to much for a designer dress. 1. Hey, pull my finger!

Birthday Girl

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, " I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped. " His buddy said, " I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled. " So that's what Joe did. The next day at the bar, his buddy said, " Well, did you take my suggestion? " " Yes, I did, " said Joe. " Did she like it? " His buddy asked. " Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, " I'll be back in an hour!! "

Life Science Final Exam

The not necessarily well- prepared student sat in his life scienceclassroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The questiondirected: " Give four advantages of breast milk. " What to write? Hesighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping forthe best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a four- part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.

womens monthly pain

Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's LifeThe Doctor – who tells her to " take off all her clothes. " The Dentist – who tells her to " open wide. " The Milkman – who asks her " do you want it in the front or the back? " The Hairdresser – who asks her " do you want it teased or blown? " The Interior Designer – who tells her " once it's inside, you'll LOVE it! " The Banker – who insists to her " if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest! " The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her " Keep quiet and lie still! "

3 women went out drinking

3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, " I drove my car into a ditch. " The second woman said, " I blew chunks. " The third woman said, " I burned down my house. " After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, " I guess I won, " and the second woman said, " You don't understand, Chunks is my dog. "

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks…

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while the conversation started turning a littlerude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder andthey were arguing about how wide their snatches were. (This happens all the time. ) The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg, grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar were watching, hooting andhollering, throwing money. Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted herleg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. People were going ballistic. Finally the third women very casually got up on the barand asked for a quarter. She slid it in….. and thejukebox starts playing.

Space shuttle mission to the Moon

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The headquarters in the US calls: " Monkey # 1, Monkey # 1 report to coms for instructions. " He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releasesthe oxygen. A few moments later headquarters calls again: " Monkey # 2, Monkey # 2report to coms for instructions. " He sits down and he is told to addCarbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation. A little later on, headquarters calls again: " Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions. " She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says….. " I know, I know!! Feedthe monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing. "

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, " OK, take off all your crose. " The woman did as she was told. " Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room. " Again, The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, " OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me. " So she did.. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, " Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates. " Worried, the woman asked anxiously, " Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? " Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, " Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.