Animal World

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg? 1) You only get laid once. 2) You only get eaten once. 3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water. 4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe hashunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry tosit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears ablood- curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, " I thought I told you to bequiet! " Jerry says, " Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawledover me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing downmy neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawledup my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat themhere? 'I couldn't keep quiet any more! "

Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of theirherd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, " I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago! "

There were two guys walking down the streetand they saw a dog licking his nuts. One of the guys said. " Man I wish I could do that". Then the other guy said, " Man that dog will bite you! "!

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placeda winning bid told the auctioneer, " I'm paying a fortunefor that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say hedoes. " " I guarantee it, madam, " replied the auctioneer. " Who doyou think was bidding against you? "

How do you make a cat drink? 1 cat2 lemonsVodkaMix then serve

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out ablank form and wrote, " Woof.. woof.. woof.. woof.. woof.. woof.. woof.. woof…woof. " The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, " There areonly nine words here. You could send another 'woof'for thesame price. " The dog replied " What, and ruin the punchline?! "

A man takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet lifts the dog ontothe the operating table, looks down and says " Say ahhhhhhhhhhh! " The man looks at the vet and says " The dog can't speak". The vet says to the man " I was talking to YOU. The dog, s dead!!! Sent by Peter

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. " You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God. " Susie, still crying, said " What would God want with a dead dog? "

A Second OpinionA man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming forhelp. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has himput his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines thestill, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that hisdog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and notwilling to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and putsthe cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body andfinally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man andsays, " I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. " The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, " I'm sorry, but the lab thinksyour dog is dead too. " The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet andasks how much he owes. The vet answers, " $ 650. " " $ 650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man…. " Well, " the vet replies, " I would only...

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. " Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days? " If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. " John, " he said, shaking his head, " I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good. " " Well, " John said, taking the barstool next to him, " If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this…. " " I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol'cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol'Bes starts a slappin'me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol'Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I...

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg? Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

Have you ever smelled moth balls? – How did you get their little legs apart?

Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers.

Some cows view each day as the last roundup, others, merely as another opportunity to stampede. Most cows view the new day as an exciting new opportunityto eat grass and point in the same direction as the other cows.

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to top up a camel with water. " That way, " he said, " You get an extra day out of them between drinks. " As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed them over the camel's balls. The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days'extra water. " Doesn't that hurt? " asked a tourist. " Nah, " replied the bloke. " Only if you get your fingers caught! "

Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler? It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

It's so easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..! HOW TO WASH THE CAT1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. ) The cat will self- agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power " Wash" and " Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now- clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, THE DOG

Laboratory Rabbit Freedom A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great, 'he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey, 'he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us, 'they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do? 'he asked. 'Well, 'one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them. 'This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do? ''You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well. 'The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do? 'he asked. One of the other rabbits came a...

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female. " No! I'm not doing it anymore! " says the farmer. " And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am – – a goddam queer?

What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.

How to Hunt Elephants – – Senior Manager StyleSenior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based onthe assumption that elephants are just like field mice, butwith deeper voices. Sent by Alex

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and noone is there. He looks all around and he finally sees alittle snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up andthrows it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on hisdoor. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snailsitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, " What the hell was that allabout? "

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horseflykept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. It was far out of reach. A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak. " Oh, thank you! " said the elephant. " My, pleasure ma'am. " said the sparrow. " Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don'thesitate to ask. " The sparrow said, " Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuckan elephant. " " Be my guest! ", said the elephant. So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the treesabove, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head. " OUCH! ", said the elephant. Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, " Am I hurting you, dear? "

A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says " For Christ's sake, what do you want now? " The camel puckers up and makes little sucking noises.

Q: What has four legs and eight arms? A: A pit- bull terrier at a children's play area.

What did the dog get when he multiplied 88 x 7? The wrong answer.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in frontof the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture thatthe gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. " Are you hurt? " she asks. She replies, " Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written! "

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says " I'll bet $ 50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play'The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus'owner pockets the $ 50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $ 50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, 'Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $ 100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus'owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? " Dam".

What does an elephant use as a vibrator? An epilectic.

How to Hunt Elephants – – QA StyleQuality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and lookfor mistakes the other hunters made when they were packingthe jeep.

Here's a sad one…Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.