Animal World

Wife comes home to find the old man…

Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. " My God Henry", she screams, " I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far! " " You may be right" he says, " I think I'm stuck. "

Beware of dog!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign sayingDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed aharmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, " Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to bewareof? " " Yep, that's him, " he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. " That certainly doesn't look likea dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign? " " Because", the owner replied, " before I posted that sign, people kepttripping over him. "

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot…

A middle- aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for hisbirthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitudedue to the influence of its former owner, who is now adeceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and downat everything it sees. One day the man comes home with agorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing theparrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". Shetakes one look at our middle- aged friend, and runs out thedoor. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother. The parrot opens up with, " I'll suck that crusty coin- slotcrack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you losethat over- the- shoulder- boulder- holder, and wiggle thosedroopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack thatleaves a fire- engine- red print, followed by a future threatfrom his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands nomore. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it intothe freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kickingfrom the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silencepasses by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge. The bird calmly perches on his finger. " Have you learnedyour lesson? ", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is" I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuckhappened to the chicken? Sent by Rob

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet…

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said " My dog's cross- eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " " Well, " said the vet, " lets have a look at him. " So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. " Hmm, " says the vet, " I'm going to have to put him down" " Just because he's cross- eyed? " says the man. " No, because he's heavy, " says the vet.

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar…

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. " Get a load of her" said the mouse, " what a babe! " " Well, why not try your luck? " replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, " What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right? " The mouse replied, " Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it! " " But how come you look like you're so exhausted? " asked the lion. " Well" said the mouse, " between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles! "

This man goes into the doctor with his…

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now. Doctor: " What happened to you? " He says: " I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant! " Doctor: " But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow andcouldn't cause that much damage! " He says " Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first! "

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost…

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and wasfamished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple ofpark rangers happen to find him at that moment, andarrested him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against himclaiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he wouldhave died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judges closing statement he asked the man, " Iwould like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like? " The man answered, " Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and aspotted owl. "

A man running a little behind schedule arrives…

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, " Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed! " " Yes, I'm amazed also, " came the reply. " He hated the book. "

A talking horse

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and beganto boast about his past. " Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 racesand won over? 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn. " The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found thehorse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. " Oh, you don't want that horse, " said the farmer. " Yes I do, " said the salesman, " and I'll give you? 10, 000 for the horse. " Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, " He's yours. " While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, " By the way, whywouldn't I want your horse? " " Because, " said the farmer, " he's a liar – he hasn't won a race in hislife. "

A woman was thinking about finding a pet…

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep hercompany at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; itwouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be funto hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediatelyspotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $ 50. Delighted that such a rare lookingand beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, " Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it sayspretty vulgar stuff. " The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for itto say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, " New house, new madam. " The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thoughtthat's not so bad. A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returnedfrom school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them andsaid, " New house, new madam, new whores. " The girls and the woman were a bit offended at...

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona…

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he noticesthat the oil- pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stopsat the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice- cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets abig dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, " It looks like you blew a seal. " " No, no, " the penguin replies, " it's just ice cream. "

The essential difference

One day the zoo- keeper noticed that " Cheech" the orang- utang was reading two books – – the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, " Why are you reading both those books"? " Well, " said the orang- utang, " I just wanted to know if I was my brother'skeeper or my keeper's brother. "

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says…

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. " Listen, " he says to the bartender. " If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house? " " We'll See, " says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. " Impressive, " says the bartender, " but i'll need to see more. " " Hold on, " says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings " Old Man River. " A patron jups up from mhis table and shouts " Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $ 100 right now for the frog. " " Sold, " says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. " It's none of my business, " says the bartender, " but you just gave away a fortune. " " Not really, " says the guy. " The hamster is also a ventriloquist. "

A duck walks into a general store…

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, " Gotany fresh fruit? " " No. " " Got any fresh vegetables? " " No. We have only canned and dry goods. " The next day, the duck returns. " Got any fresh fruit? " " No. " " Got any fresh vegetables? " " No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor. " On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, " Got any nails? " " No. " " Got any fresh fruit? "

Two men were walking along the street when…

Two men were walking along the street when they cameupon a dog licking his dick. One man said, " I sure wish I could do that. " The other replied, " You can, but you're probably goingto have to pet him first. "

Bying a horse

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend" I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buya horse, I'm sending him over. " The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male orfemale horse. " A female horth, " the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. " Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth? " So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse s mouth. " Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? " So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. " Ok, what about the earsth? " Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget onemore time and shows the ears. " OK, finally, I d like to see her twat, " said the midget. With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head upthe horse's twat, then pulled him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, " perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run! "