Mom/Dad Jokes

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. " Everyone knows, " the mother lectured him, " that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool. " " Oh really? " said the lifeguard, " from the diving board!?!? "

Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses, and his father, standing beside him, said, " Now, remember, son. Don't wear them when you're not looking at anything. "

Old- fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. " Sir, " he blurted out, " I have an attachment for your daughter, and " " See here, young man, " interrupted the parent, " when my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself. "

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. " I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, " says the beaming boy to his father. " Nope, " comes dad's reply, " I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years. "

" Papa, who was Hamlet? " " You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was. "

Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three- year- old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. " Hey! " she announced. " This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar! " " You put a stop to that right now, " he shouted. " That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches! "

A small boy is sent to bed by his father… [Five minutes later] " Da- ad…" " What? " " I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? " " No. You had your chance. Lights out. " [Five minutes later] " Da- aaaad…" " WHAT? " " I'm THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water?? " " I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!! " [Five minutes later] " Daaaa- aaaAAAAD…" " WHAT??!! " " When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water? "

" Dad, do you believe in Buddha? " " Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good. "

Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father? They called him Dad!

Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

" Dad, why do you write so slow? " asked Dennis. " I have to, " replied his father. " I'm a slow reader. "

Dad: Why is your January report card so bad? Son: Well, you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas!

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre- birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: " Some parents, " she said, " tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family. 'But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife. '" One of the women spoke up immediately. " Does she cook??? "

What do young ghosts call their parents? Deady and Mummy.

Son: What is an autobiography? Father: Er, the story of an automobile.

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. 'Teddy, 'he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being. 'There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room. 'That's better, 'said his father. 'Now will you always come down stairs like that? ''Suits me, 'said Teddy. 'I slid down the bannister. '

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent- education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great- grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, " If there's anything you want to know, just ask me. "

When is a parent like a child? When he's a miner.

Talbot and his son James were called to Mrs. Cren- shaw's classroom. " Mr. Talbot, " said the teacher, " I asked James 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln? 'and he said that he didn't do it! " " Well, teacher, " said Talbot, " if my kid said he didn't do it he didn't do it! " Father and son left the school, and on their way home Talbot turned to the boy and asked, " Tell me, son, did you do it? " '

Come here, you greedy wretch. I'll teach you to eat all your sister's birthday chocs. It's all right Dad, I know how!

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic- foldout photo album of all nine of the children. She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. " Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me… what do you think of my grandchildren? "

What's another name for an parent? Someone who's stopped growing except around the waist.

An irate father stormed into the principal's office. " I demand to know, " he screamed, " why my son Winslow was given a zero on his English examination. " " Now, don't get excited, " said the principal. " We'll get your Winslow's English teacher in here. I'm sure she has some explanation. " A few minutes later, the English teacher arrived. " Why did you give Winslow a zero on his English final? " demanded the father. " I had no choice, " said the schoolmarm. " He handed in a blank paper with absolutely nothing on it. " " That's no excuse, " shouted the father. " You could have at least given him an 'A'for neatness! "

Boy: Dad, Dad, come out. My sister's fighting this ten foot gargoyle with three heads. Dad: No, I'm not coming out. She's going to have to learn to look after herself.

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. " Do you have 'Eyes of Blue'and 'A Love Supreme'? " she asked. " Well, no, " answered the puzzled homeowner. " But I have a wife and eleven children. " " Is that a record? " she inquired. " I don't think so, " replied the man, " but it's as close as I want to get. "

Why are parents boring? Because they're groan- ups.

" What are you reading? " demanded the father of his seven- year- old. " A story about a cow jumping over the moon, " was the reply. " Throw that book away at once, " he commanded. " How many times have I told you you're too young to read science fiction? "

Father: I want to take my girl our of this terrible math class. Teacher: But she's top of the class. Father: That's why I think it must be a terrible class.

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father:!!!??????!!!

What didn't Adam and Eve have that everyone else has? Parents.

At dinner, Seth said to his father, " Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your fault. " " How's that? " asked the master of the house. " Remember I asked you how much $ 500, 000 was? " " Yeah, I remember. " " Well, 'a helluva lot'ain't the right answer. "

What do you call a small parent? A minimum!

For weeks a six- year old lad kept telling his first- grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six- year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, " Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home? " Tommy burst into tears and confessed, " I think Mommy ate it! "

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty- four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies, " My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty! "