For weeks a six- year old lad kept telling his first- grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six- year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, " Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home? " Tommy burst into tears and confessed, " I think Mommy ate it! "
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty- four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Down at the office Bostwick boasted to one of his buddies, " My son Arthur is smarter even than Abraham Lincoln. Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it till he was fifty! "
Girl: Mom, mom a monster's just bitten my foot off. Mom: Well, keep out of the kitchen, I've just washed the floor.
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, " Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins. " " What a coincidence! " the man said with some obvious pride. " I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team. " The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, " You, sir, are the father of triplets. " " Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence, " he answered. " I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down. " An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. " Don't tell me another coincidence? " asked the nurse. r After finally regaining his composure, he said, " I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel. " After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, " Sir, are you all right? " " Yes" says...
When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son's outburst, his mother said, " Don't you dare use that kind of language in here. " " William Shakespeare did, " replied Ben. " Well, you'd better stop going around with him, " said Mom.
" Honey, " said Mrs. Beldon to her husband, " Lester's teacher says he ought to have an encyclopedia. " " Encyclopedia, my eye! " exclaimed Beldon. " Let him walk to school like I did. "
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a. m.. Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother. When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid. When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins. He said, " The first one was a girl. " The mother: " What did you name her?!? " Brother: " Denise! " The Mom: " Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one? " Brother: " The second one was a boy. " The Mom: " Oh, and what did you name him? " Brother: " Denephew. "
NEWS ITEM. Kidnappers grabbed a little boy and two days later sent him home with a ransom note. His parents immediately sent the kid back with the money.
" Son, you sure do ask a lot of questions, " said the father. " I'd like to know what would have happened if I'd asked as many questions when I was a boy. " " Perhaps, " said the boy, " you'd've been able to answer some of mine. "
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $ 143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5- year- old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5- year- old what he thought of the baby. " Hit him again, " the 5- year- old said. " He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place! "
Tad looked up from the book on ancient history he was reading and asked his father, " Pop, what's a millennium? " " Well, " he muttered, " I think it's something like a centennial, only it has more legs! "
Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband, " How did Greg do on his history exam? " " Oh, not so good, " he replied. " But it wasn't his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born! "
Father: " I know the answer to your bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television. " Son: " I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a question. "
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, " Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing! "
Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you'd put things away, you'd know where to find them.
" Dad, " said Rickey, " what is electricity? " " Uh, " replied his father, " I don't really know too much about electricity. " A few minutes later the boy said, " How does gas make the engine go? " " Son, I'm afraid I don't know much about motors. " " Dad, " said the boy, " what is anthropology? " " Anthropology? " The father frowned. " I really don't know. " " Gee, Dad, I guess I'm making a nuisance of myself. " " Not at all, son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything. "
A mother of two teenage boys, was constantly being asked to look for things they couldn't find. Most of the time these items were directly in front of them. Seeing her frustration over this when it happened yet again, one of her sons remarked: " It's not my fault, Mom. I don't have 'parental vision: "
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: " That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. " In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. " The bus driver insulted me, " she fumed. The man sympathized and said: " Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers. " " You're right, " she said. " I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind. " " That's a good idea, " the man said. " Here, let me hold your monkey. "
" Can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse? " asked Rupert. " Okay, " replied his father, " but don't stand too close. "
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, " Gee, you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything. " " Now, son, " scolded Bentley, " you musn't be picky about your mother's little faults. "
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her " no. " The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, " Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long. " He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, " There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out. " The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check- out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, " Ellen, we'll be through this ch eck out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap. " The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. " I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…" The mother broke in, " My little girl's name is Tammy… I'm Ellen....
Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.
During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back. " Do you see that baseball cap? " said the girl. " First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back. " " Oh, that's my dad, " replied the boy. " This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today. "
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. " Everyone knows, " the mother lectured him, " that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool. " " Oh really? " said the lifeguard, " from the diving board!?!? "
Young Bobby was being fitted for glasses, and his father, standing beside him, said, " Now, remember, son. Don't wear them when you're not looking at anything. "
Old- fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. " Sir, " he blurted out, " I have an attachment for your daughter, and " " See here, young man, " interrupted the parent, " when my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself. "
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. " I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, " says the beaming boy to his father. " Nope, " comes dad's reply, " I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years. "
" Papa, who was Hamlet? " " You birdbrain! Bring me the Bible and I'll show you who he was. "
Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three- year- old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner. " Hey! " she announced. " This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar! " " You put a stop to that right now, " he shouted. " That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches! "
A small boy is sent to bed by his father… [Five minutes later] " Da- ad…" " What? " " I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? " " No. You had your chance. Lights out. " [Five minutes later] " Da- aaaad…" " WHAT? " " I'm THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water?? " " I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!! " [Five minutes later] " Daaaa- aaaAAAAD…" " WHAT??!! " " When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water? "
" Dad, do you believe in Buddha? " " Why, of course, but I think margarine is just as good. "
Did you hear about the little boy who was named after his father? They called him Dad!