Heaven and hell jokes

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. " Who goes there? " inquired St. Peter. " It's me, Bill Clinton". " What bad things did you do on earth? " Clinton thought a bit and answered, " Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury. " After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, " OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell. 'You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity. 'And don't 'abandon all hope'upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over. "

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says " So Morty, what's it gonna be Heaven or Hell? " Morty asks, " What's the difference? " Sid says " Take a look at the monitor over here. " Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says " Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like? " Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time. " This is great! " says Morty. " I think I'll try Hell. " Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell. When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look s around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid. " " What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. " Welcome to Heaven, " said St. Peter. " Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you. " " No problem, just let me in. " said the woman. " Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in. " " Actually, I think I've made up my mind…I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. " Sorry, we have rules…" And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down- down- down to hell. The d oors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering...

A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates. The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell. The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell. The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said " You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven. "

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth? 'The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in. 'St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in. 'St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do? 'The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO. 'To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days. '

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said " I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be. " " Great! " said the first guy, " I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery! " " No problem, " replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. " And what do you want to be, " St. Peter asked the other guy. " I'd like to be one cool stud! " was the reply. " Easy, " replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. " You'll find them easily, " he says, " One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit! "

Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. " This reminds me of Finnegan, " remarked one. " What about Finnegan? " inquired the other. " 'Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: 'It's a fine job you've had here for a long time. ''Well, Finnegan, 'said St. Peter, 'here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent. ''Ah! 'said Finnegan, 'I'm needing cash. Lend me a cent. ''Sure, 'said St. Peter, 'just wait a minute. '"

A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, " Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas. " " The gatekeeper replied, " First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you? "

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, " Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think! " The man says, " There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t hen went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". " Wow", said Peter, " That's impressive. When did this happen"? " Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: " Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said, " Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time. " And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the cou rt without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue- eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, " I don't understand it! " The young beauty answered, " Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when...

Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven? Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain- link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said " Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence. " Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. " Satan! " beckoned God. " You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs! " " Yeah? What if I don't? " replied the devil. " I'll sue you if I have to, " answered God. " Sure, " laughed Satan. " Where are you going to find a lawyer? "

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, " You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus'and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey'guy to show up with his drums. " Wow! " the guy says, " I never imagined heaven would be this good. " The man in the robe says, " This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer. "

Why did the angel lose her job? She had harp failure.

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, " When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, " I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man. " The second guy says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow. " The last guy replies, " I would like to hear them say, " Look! He's moving! "

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi, what's your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Roger: 60K. St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? Roger: I was an accountant. St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? John: My name is John. St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John: About $ 23, 000. St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

How do angels greet each other? They say, Halo.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, " How do these represent Christmas? " " They're Carol's. "

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they " oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. " It's free, " Peter replied, " this is Heaven. " Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, " what are the green fees? ". Peter's reply, " This is heaven, you play for free. " Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with r the cuisine's of the world laid out. " How much to eat? " asked the old man. " Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! " Peter replied with some exasperation. " Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? " the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, " That's the best part…you can eat as much as...

An angel in heaven was welcoming a new arrival. " How did you get here? " he asked. And the new angel replied, " Flu…"

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. " Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? " he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. " I was a good father, " he answers. " Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance. " St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, " Come on, Penny, let's get out of here. "

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. " Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? " " I was a policeman, " he responded. " What kind of policeman? " St Peter asked. " I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids. " " Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates. " A few moments later a second man walks up. " Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? " " I was a policeman, " he responded. " What kind of policeman? " St Peter asked. " I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers. " " Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise. " A few moments later a third man walks up. " Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? " " I was a policeman, " he responded. " What kind of policeman? " St Peter asked. " I was a Military Policeman, Sir. " " Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you? "

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret? ''Yes, 'the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off- side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now. ''Well, 'said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter. ''Thank you very much, Saint Peter, 'the professor ansvered. 'Im am not Saint Peter, 'said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas. '

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says " No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, " I'll choose this room". Satan says O. K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, " Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says " O. K. tea- break is over. Back on your heads! "

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. 'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word. ''Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed. '

What do you call the queue of Software Engineers standing outside Heaven? The Y2K deadline!

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, " What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. " The teacher answered quickly, " That would be the Titanic. " St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't * really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: " How many people died on the ship? " Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. " 1, 228, " he answered. " That's right! You may enter. " St. Peter turned to the lawyer. " Name them. "

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far? 'The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates? 'God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates. The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far? 'and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here! '

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says " I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter. " Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. " You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! " Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? The man said, " I don't know. My wife told me to stand here. "

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says " get in, get in! " The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle. " Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause " God will grant him a miracle. " With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down. " St. Peter chuckles and responds, " I don't know what you're c omplaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter. "

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, " Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! " And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7'tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, " Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the re st of eternity in bed with this woman! " And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of… Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice...

Three college football coaches were flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: " Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you? " The first coach said, " I'm Joe Paterno. I coached Penn State from 1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl victories, 2 national championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times. The people of Pennsylvania think I'm great. " God said, " Fine, Joe, stand at my right side. " The next person said, " I'm Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State University from 1980 to 2000. I had a. 816 win percentage, played in 14 bowl games without a loss and won a national championship after beating Nebraska. The people of Florida think I'm great. " God said, " Fine, Bobby, stan d at my left side. " The third coach stood before God and said, " I'm Bob Stoops. I took over a storied Oklahoma program that had won 6 national championships and held many NCAA records but had fallen to the lowest of the low. In the 3 years prior to me taking over the Sooners they went 3- 8 (worst season in 102 years of football),...

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang. walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, " God, there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do? ". God replied, " Just do what you normally do with that type. Re- direct them down to hell. " St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling " God, God, they're gone, they're gone! " " Who, the New Yorkers? ". " No, the Pearly Gates. "

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. " What sort of accountant are you? " says St Peter " Public Practitioner, " is the reply. " Name? " He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out. " Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span, " says St Peter. " How can that be? " says the accountant. " I'm too young to go. I'm only forty- eight" " No, that's impossible. " " Why do you say that? " " Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three. "