Police Jokes

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, " Let's get off the corner people. " A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, " Let's get off that corner… NOW! " Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, " Well, how did I do? " Pretty good, " chuckled the vet, " especially since this is a bus stop. "

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, " The 10 Most Wanted. " One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. " Yes, " said the policeman, " the detectives want him very badly. " So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, " Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures? "

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $ 40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $ 40. The police responded with another mailed photo – – of handcuffs.

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I- 20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly. The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, " Hey, sarge, why did you stop? " The sarge replied, " He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him. "

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

A police man was on duty one night and he headed up to " Make out Mountain" to try to catch some couples in the act. When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a couple sat, and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl next to him was knitting. He tapped on the window and said he was with the police department then asked how old he was and the guy said, " I'm 22 sir. " " Well how old is she? " the officer then asked. Looking at his watch the guy replied, " She'll be 18 in about 6 minutes. "

What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: " Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! "

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands. But it also lit up her arm, too! Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street. A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, " My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire- arm. "

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. " You got any I. D.? " the patrolman asked. " " 'Bout what? " the hillbilly replied.

Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer? A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10- speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted t he speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "…and you're not going to believe this, there is a guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass….

What nickname did the police give to the new blonde woman police officer? A fair cop.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. " Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called " Happy Hour" and they served these mar- gar- itos which are quite good. I had four or five o'those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O'course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later.. " And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, " Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. " Indignantly, the man said, " Why? Don't ye believe me?! "

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, " Is there a problem, Officer? " " No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $ 5, 000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money? " John thought for a minute and said, " Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers'license. " Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, " Oh, don't pay attention to him – – he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned. " Brian from the back seat said, " I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car! " At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, " Are we over the border yet? "

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. " I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered? " Stated the counsel for the insurance company. " Yes, that's right, " replied the farmer, nodding his head. " You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life. 'Is that the case? " " Yeah, but" stammered the farmer. " A simple yes or not will suffice, " counsel interrupted quickly. " Yes, " Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. " Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health, " his lawyer said. " Certainly, " replied the farmer. " After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. " Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling....

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The " disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, " I'll bet that you're also an escape artist- probably better than Houdini. " The giant nodded. " If I had some chains, " the deputy continued, " you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them? " Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. " I can't get out of these, " the giant growled. " Are you sure? " the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. " Nope, " he replied. " I can't do it. " " In that case, " said the deputy, " you're under arrest. "

– Santa Claus, one smart and one stupid policeman are walking together when they spotted hundred dollars on the ground. Who will take the money? -??? – Stupid policeman, since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't exist.

A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The first cadet answers, " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! " The seargent says, " Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile. " Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The second cadet smiles, and says, " Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! " The policeman angrily responds, " What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?! " Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " He quickly adds, " Think hard before giving me a stupid answer. " The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, " The suspect wears contact lenses. " The...

" I'll have to report you, sir, " said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. " You were doing 85 miles an hour. " " Nonsense, officer, " declared the driver. " I've only been in the car for ten minutes. "

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, " Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube. " The man says, " Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack. " " Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. " " I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death. " " Well, then we need a urine sample. " " I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar. " " Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line. " " I can't do that, officer. " " Why not? " " Because I'm too drunk to do that! "

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name. She said, " I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia. " As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, " Well… OK… but don't let me catch you speeding again. "

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, " SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted " TIPS" and a bucket of change.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K- 9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K- 9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: " I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman! "

On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police car driving uphill backwards. – Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards? – Because we are not sure that we will find the place to make u- turn on the top of the mountain. After one hour the same man saw the same police car driving downhill backwards again. – But guys, why are you driving backwards again? – We have found the place to make u- turn up there.

A policeman stops a car and suggests an apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing shows: positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the instrument isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a teetotaler. She blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid on the backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go. They take off and the man says to his wife: – And you kept telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give the kid any alcohol!!

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow- worm? He has a flashing light.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. " You'll get your chance in court. " said the Desk Sergeant. " No, no no! " said the man. " I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years! "

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said " Because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A defense attorney was cross- examining a police officer during a felony trial – – it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow of ficers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. " What are you doing out here at 2 A. M.? " said the officer. " I'm going to a lecture. " the man said. " And who is going to give a lecture at this hour? " the cop asked. " My wife. " said the man.

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

Dispatcher: Nine- one- one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Woman: Officer you must help. I've just lost my wig. Police officer: Certainly, ma'am, we'll comb the area.