Police Jokes

The local sheriff was looking for…

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. " Okay, " the sheriff drawled, " Gomer, what is 1 and 1? " " 11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, " That's not what I meant, but he's right. " " What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'? " " Today and tomorrow. " He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. " Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln? " Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, " I don't know. " " Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while? " So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. " It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case! "

A man was caught for speeding…

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge. The judge said, " What will you take…. 30 days or $ 30. " The man replied, " I think I'll take the money. "

Five year old Little Johnny was…

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, " I've lost my dad! " The policeman said, " What's he like? " Little Johnny replied, " Beer and women! "

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC…

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, " Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building? " The officer replied, " Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there. " She thanked the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, " Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting? " The blonde replied, " Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by! "

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for…

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears- – a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his hig h- powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. " He's in THAT one! " cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. " What did you do...

A local law enforcement officer stops…

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. " Fred, " he replies. Fred what? " the officer asks. " Just Fred, " the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. " Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name? " The man replies, " It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. I got...

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were…

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said " Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'these here beers!! " " Don't worry, Bubba, " Earl said. " We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat. " " What fer? ", asked Bubba. " Just let me do the talkin', OK?, " said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, " You boys been drinkin'? " " No, sir, " said Earl while pointing at the labels. " We're on the patch. "

Two robbers were robbing a hotel….

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, " I hear sirens. Jump! " The second one said, " But we're on the 13th floor! " The first one screamed back, " This is no time to be superstitious. "

The cop got out of his…

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. " I've been waiting for you all day, " the cop said. The guy replied, " Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. " When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A police officer stops a blonde…

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, " I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you! "

A police officer pulls a guy…

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner'card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told...

An off-duty police officer, familiar with…

An off- duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. " This guy must have screwed up the settings, " the off- duty officer thought. A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: Each for not wearing a seat belt!

A police car pulls up in…

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park…and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost….. I was just too tired to walk home. "

A client of a hospital where…

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, " Well, this Ph. D. brain costs $ 10, 000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $ 15, 000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $ 50, 000. " The client asked, " What? How's that possible? " The doctor replied, " You see, it's totally unused. "

A cop was interrogating a very…

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly bleeding. The officer asked, " Can you describe the person who did this to you? " The Irishman replied, " That's what I was doing when he hit me. "

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes…

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The first blonde answers, " That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! " The policeman says, " Well…uh…that's because the picture shows his PROFILE. " Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, " Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear! " The policeman angrily responds, " What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best ans wer you can come up with? " Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, " This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? " He quickly adds "…think hard before giving me a stupid answer. " The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, " Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses. " The policeman...

How many cops does it take to change light…

How many cops does it take to change light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him. Only one, but he has to see an officer do it first. Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say " Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along. "

"Now as I understand it, Sir,"…

" Now as I understand it, Sir, " said the police officer to the motorist, " you were driving this vehicle when the accident occurred. Can you tell me what happened? " " I'm afraid not, officer, " replied the motorist. " I had my eyes shut! "

Veronica was practicing the piano when…

Veronica was practicing the piano when suddenly there was a loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a breathless cop. " What's the matter?! " she asked. " Where's the body?! " demanded the officer. " What are you talking about? " " We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart was being murdered in this house. "

Juggler, driving to his next performance,…

Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. " What are those knives doing in your car? " asked the officer. " I juggle them in my act. " " Oh yeah? " says the cop. " Let's see you do it. " So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, " Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now! "

A man was speeding down a…

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, " Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket? " " Ever go a fishin'? " the policeman suddenly asked the man. " Ummm, yeah…" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, " Did you ever catch 'em all? "

Two guys were walking along a…

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

The policeman arrived at the scene…

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. " Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? " inquired the officer. " Mister, " exclaimed the telephone lineman, " I was at the top of the pole! "

One evening this Columbia Yuppie was…

One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police. " Well? " he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the information in the arrest record. " Disappointing to say the least, " the Sergeant replied. " Chateau Duvalier… 1962… rather thin… not aged well at all. "

A policeman stops a lady and…

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says " Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses. " The woman answered " Well, I have contacts. " The policeman replied " I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket! "

A squad car driver was covering…

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, " Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? " " That it is, " Irish Mike replied grimly, " ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball. " " You mean you pinched his honor? " asked Pat. " How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? " demanded Mike. " Well, " mused Pat, " there's a lesson in this somewhere. " " That there is, " replied Irish Mike…. " 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover. "

The Judge said to the defendant….

The Judge said to the defendant. " I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again. " " Your Honor, " the criminal said, " that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen. "