Festival Jokes

5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad. 3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I? m in a bad mood) 2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is…1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.

RESOLUTION # 1: 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year. 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year. 2001: I will read 5 books a year. 2002: I will finish The Pelican Brief 2003: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year. 2004: I will read at least one article this year. 2005: I will try and finish the comics section this year. RESOLUTION # 2: 1999: I will get my weight down below 180. 2000: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. 2001: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. 2002: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2003: I will work out 5 days a week. 2004: I will work out 3 days a week. 2005: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week. RESOLUTION # 3: 1999: I will not spend my money frivolously. 2000: I will pay off my bank loan promptly. 2001: I will pay off my bank loans promptly. 2002: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999. 2003: I will be totally out of debt by 2000. 2004: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2001. 2005: I will try to be out of the country by 2006. RESOLUTION # 4: 2002: I...

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! Enjoy! : – )10. Read less. 9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. 8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 6. Procrastinate more. 5. Drink. Drink some more. 4. Start being superstitious. 3. Spend more time at work. 2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least…1. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, " I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means? " " You'll know tonight. " he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it- – only to find a book entitled " The meaning of dreams".

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle- aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing " Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, " I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who? '" " But why? " asks the man. " I'm a divorce lawyer, " the man replies.

? Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.? Thursday night- Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.? For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.? Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.? This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.? Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.? A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be " What is Hell? " Come early and listen to our choir practice.? The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.? Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.? The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.? Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.?...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, " What a scary mask! " but you're not wearing a mask! 5. When the door opens you yell, " Trick or…" and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. and last but not least…1. You avoid going to houses where your ex- wives live. Happy Halloween!

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween HandoutsSpinach flavored Rice Cakes. Teeth removing TaffyMetamucil in a strawEx- Lax BrowniesCaramel Covered ZucchiniColored Crisco on a StickHot steaming bowl of pumpkin gutsChocolate Covered PrunesA Handful of Red ManAnything that ticks!

1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed! 2. Be thankful your computer isn't down! 3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down! 4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus! 5. Be thankful your server isn't down! 6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse! 7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are! 8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound! 9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72! 10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connnection! 11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo- doo doll!

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re- enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. " Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey! " said the daughter. " Did it not taste good? " her mother asked. " I don't know, " the blonde said. " It wouldn't sit still! "

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, " You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus. " " Forget the bonus, " the turkey said, " All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day? "

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. " Please let me in, " says the man desperately. " I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one. " " Okay, " says the butcher. " Let me see what I have left. " He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. " That's one is too skinny. What else you got? " says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. " Oh, no, " says the man, " That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them! "

A Thanksgiving Cookbookby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten ClassNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette – Banana PieYou buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it. Russell – TurkeyYou cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy – TurkeyYou buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat. Andrew – PizzaBuy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Shelby – ApplesauceGo to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, " Applesauce". Then you eat it. Meghan H. – TurkeyYou cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. you take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you...

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, " See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing. " 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, " I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more. 3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your " shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake 4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech. 5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV. 6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'TBE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD 16. I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er… I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off- line work done, too! 15. I will stop checking my e- mail at 3: 00 in the morning… 4: 30 is much more practical. 14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, " LOL… LOL! " 13. I will stop sending e- mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. 12. I will try to figure out why I * really* need 9 e- mail addresses. 11. I will stop sending e- mail to my roommate. 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1. 44MB disk. 9. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own. 8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e- mail. 7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. 6. I will stop using, " So, what's your URL? " as a pickup line. 5. No more downloads from alt. binaries. * 4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily… well, once a week… monthly, perhaps… 3. I will spend...

15. I will not eat other animals'poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop. 13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars. 8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me! 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year. 5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is * too* much. 4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31: Re- live victory over the sock. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets…1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND