An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. " But doctor, you don't understand, " they said, " Dad hasn't walked in over a year! "
Doctor and nurse jokes
A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, " Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin. "
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair!
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, " I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. " The receptionist asks, " Have you ever seen a doctor? " and the man replies, " No, just spots. "
The ninety- year- old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. " Now, Mr. Jenkins, " the nurse practitioner warned, " you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen- year- old girl, somebody could get hurt. " The old man shrugged, " If she dies, she dies. "
Doctor Doctor I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar Don't worry you'll soon change!
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes. Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help? Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
1) Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator? Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed it's skin Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him " How are you feeling? " The man replies " Not BAAAAD! "
How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? She's the one with dirty knees.
Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood.
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, " I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven. " St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, " I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard. " St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, " I was a case manager for an HMO. " St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, " Congratulations! You've been admi tted to heaven… for five days! " Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, " And how are we doing this morning? " Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it...
What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – They just have a nursing assistant do it.
What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc.
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.
What is a double- blind study? Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.
What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday Night Fever.
What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, " I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. " Easy, you're always washing your hands. " She then says, " I bet you're an anesthesiologist. " Male doctor: " Wow, how did you guess? " Female doctor: " I didn't feel a thing. "
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth
Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. " This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well. "
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, " Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will. " " That is very kind of you, " said the doctor emotionally, and then added, " May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change…"
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. " Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours? " asks the doctor. " Oh, no, " replies the nurse, " I gave him eight tablets every two hours! " At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. " Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours? " " Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour, " replies the nurse. Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. " Nurse, " asks the doctor, " did you prick his boil? " " OH MY GOODNESS! " replies the nurse.
" Why are you so excited? ", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. " But doc, this is my first operation. " " Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all. "
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking? Sprinkle tin- tacks on your bedroom floor!
Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue? Why? Because I've been at my computer all day and I've got a splitting headache!
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.