Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him " How are you feeling? " The man replies " Not BAAAAD! "

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility? She's the one with dirty knees.

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work? A: In case they have to draw blood.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, " I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven. " St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, " I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard. " St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, " I was a case manager for an HMO. " St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, " Congratulations! You've been admi tted to heaven… for five days! " Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, " And how are we doing this morning? " Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it...

What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb? None – They just have a nursing assistant do it.

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc.

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

What is a double- blind study? Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday Night Fever.

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, " I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. " Easy, you're always washing your hands. " She then says, " I bet you're an anesthesiologist. " Male doctor: " Wow, how did you guess? " Female doctor: " I didn't feel a thing. "

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies.

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. " This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well. "

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well. That's quite enough out of you!

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, " Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will. " " That is very kind of you, " said the doctor emotionally, and then added, " May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change…"

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. " Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours? " asks the doctor. " Oh, no, " replies the nurse, " I gave him eight tablets every two hours! " At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. " Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours? " " Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour, " replies the nurse. Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. " Nurse, " asks the doctor, " did you prick his boil? " " OH MY GOODNESS! " replies the nurse.

" Why are you so excited? ", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. " But doc, this is my first operation. " " Really? It's mine too, and I am not excited at all. "

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking? Sprinkle tin- tacks on your bedroom floor!

Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue? Why? Because I've been at my computer all day and I've got a splitting headache!

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

" What do you do? " a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with. " I'm a nurse. " " I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me, " he whispered in her ear. " That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward. "

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!

Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he's a computer. Well bring him in so I can cure him. I can't, I need to use him to finish my homework.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures? Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

A man who was very upset walked in to see his doctor. " Doctor, you've got to help me! " he wailed. " What seems to be the trouble? " asked the doctor. " I keep having the same dream, night after night. There's this door with a sign on it, and I push and push the door but I can't get it open. " " What does the sign say? " asked the Doctor. " Pull, " said the patient.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!

A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, " How is she? " The nurse replied, " Oh, she's quite dopey. " One of the friends said, " We know that, but how is she healthwise? "

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!

Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy- crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis. Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar! Have you taken anything for it?