Doctor and nurse jokes

"Doctor, doctor!" said the panic-stricken woman,…

" Doctor, doctor! " said the panic- stricken woman, " my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do? " " Quite simple, " said the doctor calmly. " You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite haul it out. " " Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head. " " What do you want a cod's head for? " " Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first! "

An old fellow came into the…

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. " But doctor, you don't understand, " they said, " Dad hasn't walked in over a year! "

A coffin was being moved when…

A coffin was being moved when it fell off a wagon, and started down the hill. One of the morticians started chasing it. As it rolled past the hospital, the mortician yelled to one of the nurse practitioners walking by, " Doc, quick, give me something to stop this coffin. "

A man goes to the eye…

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, " I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. " The receptionist asks, " Have you ever seen a doctor? " and the man replies, " No, just spots. "

The ninety-year-old man was in for…

The ninety- year- old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. " Now, Mr. Jenkins, " the nurse practitioner warned, " you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen- year- old girl, somebody could get hurt. " The old man shrugged, " If she dies, she dies. "

A doctor and a nurse were…

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident. Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

A man needing a heart transplant…

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him " How are you feeling? " The man replies " Not BAAAAD! "

Three nurses went to heaven, and…

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, " I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven. " St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The second nurse says, " I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard. " St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven. The third nurse says, " I was a case manager for an HMO. " St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, " Congratulations! You've been admi tted to heaven… for five days! " Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, " And how are we doing this morning? " Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it...

Fireman rescued a man who was…

Fireman rescued a man who was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

At a medical convention, a male…

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, " I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. " Easy, you're always washing your hands. " She then says, " I bet you're an anesthesiologist. " Male doctor: " Wow, how did you guess? " Female doctor: " I didn't feel a thing. "