Monster jokes

Mr Monster: Oi, hurry up with my supper. Mrs Monster: Oh, do be quiet I've only got three pairs of hands.

1st Monster: What is that son of yours doing these days? 2nd Monster: He's at medical school. 1st Monster: Oh, what's he studying? 2nd Monster: Nothing, they're studying him!

What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass? A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.

What do you get if you cross a monster with a flea? Lots of very worried dogs.

Waiter on ocean liner: Would you like the menu, sir? Monster: No thanks, just bring me the passenger list.

What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein's monster? HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.

What's big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has sixteen wheels? A monster on roller- skates.

First monster: That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me. Second monster: Well you'd better roll them back to her, she might need them.

Why did the monster dye her hair yellow? To see if blondes have more fun.

MRS MONSTER TO MR MONSTER: Try to be nice to my mother when she visits us this weekend, dear. Fall down when she hits you.

Why did the monster paint himself in rainbow colors? Because he wanted to hide in the crayon box.

Where does the bride of Frankenstein have her hair done? At the ugly parlour.

What should you do if a monster runs through your front door? Run through the back door.

What do young female monsters do at parties? They go around looking for edible bachelors!

'Here's a good book, 'said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead. ''No, thank you, 'said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already… '

What did the monster say to his psychiatrist? 'I feel abominable. '

Why was the big, hairy, two- headed monster top of the class at school? Because two heads are better than one.

What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other? I didn't know we lived on the same block.

How do you stop a monster digging up your garden? Take his spade away.

Why is stupid monster like a jack- o'- lantern? They both have empty heads.

A very tall monster with several arms and legs, all of different lengths, went into a tailor's shop. 'I'd like to see a suit that will fit me, 'he told the tailor. 'So would I, sir, 'said the tailor. 'So would I. '

Why did the monster go into hospital? To have his ghoul- stones removed.

What can a monster do that you can't do? Count up to 25 on his fingers.

What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog? I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

What do you do with a green monster? Put it in the sun until it ripens!

Girl Monster 1: " I hear you've met the perfect guy. " Girl Monster 2: " Oh yes, he's a bad dream come true! "

If storks bring human babies, what bring monster babies? Cranes.

Monster: Where do fleas go in winter? Werewolf: Search me!

What aftershave do monsters wear? Brute.

What do you call a clever monster? Frank Einstein.

What should you call a polite, friendly, kind, good looking monster? A failure.

What does a monster mom say to her kids at dinnertime? Don't talk with someone in your mouth.

How does a monster begin a fairy tale? " Once upon a slime… "

What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.

What is a monster's favourite drink? Demonade.