An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. " Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night. " " Have you tried counting sheep? " " That's the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it. "
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e- mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. " Which side is it best to lie on? " she asked. " The side that pays your fee, " replied the doctor.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, " I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday. " Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, " Why didn't you get me a birthday present!? " He replies, " You didn't use what I got you last year! "
Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says " Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish. " The photographer went first. " I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries. " The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The journalist went next. " I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries. " The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. " And what would your wish be? " asked the genie. " I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, " the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes? A: Slow clowns.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? – It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? – She starts her sentence with " A man once told me…"
" Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet. The vet replied, " You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too! "
Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties? Because there's lots of school spirit!
What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.
Q: Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore? A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
Why couldn't the alligator send e- mails on his PC? Because it was on old croc.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, " Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? " When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. " God Almighty! " shouted Mary, and the teacher said, " Very good, " and Mary fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, " Who is our Lord and Savior, " but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue, and stuck her again. " Jesus Christ! " shouted Mary, and the teacher said, " Very good, " and Mary fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. " What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty- third child? " And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, " If you stick that damn th ing in me one more time, I'll break it in half! "
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ. ''The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ. ''So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ. ''The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it. ''and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again? ''
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, " I think I'll go up and get a coke. " " No problem, " said the Israeli. " I'll get it for you. " While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, " That looks good. I think I'll have one too. " Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoe s and knew immediately what had happened. " How long must this go on? " he asked. " This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes? "
Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, " Watson, look up. What do you see? " Well, I see thousands of stars. " " And what does that mean to you? " " Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes? " " To me, it means someone has stolen our tent. "
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went- step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR- all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, " I was being the ring bear. "
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers " God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers " Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers " Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, " I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible. " " You're a brave man, " said the dentist. " Now, show me which tooth it is. " The husband turns to his wife and says, " Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear. "
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. " You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail! " " What's he doing with the apples? " the sergeant asked. " If I told you, " the woman cried, " you wouldn't believe me! "
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, " Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face. " So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, " Now what did she have to say? " " She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.
You're so poor that when I went to your house I stepped on a match and your mom said, " Oh! who turned off the fireplace"!!!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle… From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal- Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
your family is so poor………. the family vehicle is a skateboard.
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows) 9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (campinggear, flashlights) 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores 7. Regular TV shows pre- empted for " specials" 6. Family coming to stay with you 5. Family and friends from out- of- state calling 4. Buying food you don't normally buy… and in large quantities 3. Days off from work 2. Candles And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas… 1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Oh my God!!! What's that big ugly thing on your neck?! Oh, it's just your head.
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. " You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded. " – – Or just a bed – I don't care where. " " Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, " admitted the manager, " and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you. " " No problem, " the tired travelers assured him. " I'll take it. " The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright- eyed and bushy tailed. " How'd you sleep? " asked the manager. " Never better. " The manager was impressed. " No problem with the other guy snoring, then? " " Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. " How'd you manage that? " asked the manager. " He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, " Dave explained. " I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful, 'and he sat up all night watching me. "
Your breath is so bad that when you talk your teeth duck.
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, " Hi.. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job. " The social worker behind the counter says, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his 18- year- old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is $ 200, 000 a year. " The guy says, " You're bullshitting me! " The social worker says, " Yeah, well, you started it. "
You are so stupid that you flunked special- ed