Practical Jokes

The pro football team had just finished theirdaily practice session when a large turkey camestrutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkeywalked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caughtpass after pass and ran right through the defensiveline. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, thecoach shouted, " You're terrific!!! Sign up forthe season, and I'll see to it that you get ahuge bonus. " " Forget the bonus, " the turkey said, " All I wantto know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day? "

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too. Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid,…named Josh. The teacher looks at Josh and says, " Josh, you're not a Lakers fan? " He says, " Nope, Im a Sacrmento Kings fan! " She says, " Well why are you a Sacrmento Kings fan and not a Lakers fan? " Josh says, " Well, my mom is a Sacrmento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacrmento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacrmento Kings fan. " The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, " Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?! " Josh says, " Then I'd be a Laker fan! "

Three guys from Carolina died and went to hell. Satan went to check on them and saw that they had their shirts off and didn't mind the heat, so he turned up the heat. He went to check on them again and he saw that they were in their boxers and they still didn't mind the heat. Satan went and turned the temperature down to minus twenty. Satan went to check on them and he saw that they were in their coats cheering. He went up to them and asked why they were cheering. One of them yelled out " Hell froze over, the Hurricanes must have won the cup! "

Along time ago two Scottsmen are in a pub. One scottsman says, " I'm going to invent a game. " The second man asks, " What do you have to do? " The first man says, " You have to get a ball in a hole. " The second man asks, " So it's like billiards? " The first man says, " No, its going to be much farther away. " The second man asks " So, it's somthing like bowling? " The first man says, " No, it's going to be played on grass, and it's going to twist and turn. " So the second man asks, " So it's kind of like croquet? " The first man says, " NO, I'm going to put in tall grass, and water, and sand, and trees, just to piss you off! " So the second man asks, " So you do this once? " The first man replies, " NO, you do it EIGHTEEN TIMES!! "

my wife is too afraid of cockroaches, one fine day i heard scream of my wife. she saw a cockroach and was screaming. i asked her totake the killing spray and to spray on the cockroach. she took the spray and turned to me and said, " THIS SPRAY IS ONLY TO KILL THE MUSQUITOS, " andhow can it works for the cockroach, I said to her. " Don't show the lable to the cockroach"

During my college days there was a competitionfor cross country race that was around 8 kms. to my surprise i found my best friend JHON whowas too lazy and never use to take part in anycompetition came first in that race. when he reachedthe finishing line, me and my friends went towish him. I told him " Jhon u made it and u provedthat u can win the race too. " but Jhon insteadshouted at me and said " WHO LET THE DOG BESIDE ME"

During my college days i went to participateslow bicycle race competetion, I came first in the competetion, when i went to claim mytrophy, my principal kicked me out from hisoffice saying that the trophy goes to theperson who came in the last, because itsSLOW BICYCLE RACE.

Isn't it fnuny taht yuo cna sitll raed tihs massege enve touhgh ist speelld inocretcly? OLL! : p

R. A. P.: RetardsAttemptingPoetry

TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX…10. YOU GO IN 1- 2 MINUTE SHIFTS 9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD 8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE 7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR 6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS 5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE 4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON 3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY 2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK 1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES

TOP 10 REASONS SOCCER IS BETTER THAN SEX…10. BALLS ARE ALWAYS CHECKED FOR FIRMNESS 9. PERIODS ONLY LAST 45 MINUTES8. PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE7. SOCCER IS A LEGAL PROFESSION 6. PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT CAN BE WASHED AND REUSED 5. SIZE DOESN'T MATTER 4. IF YOU GET TOO ROUGH YOU GET A RED CARD 3. YOU CAN SCORE USING YOUR HEAD OR YOUR FEET 2. LASTS A FULL 90 MINUTES1. YOU CAN JUGGLE YOUR BALLS IN FRONT OF YOUR MOTHER

Q: What do you call a Canadian Baseball team? A: Foreigners.

1. Look at the size of his putter. 2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent. 3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker. 4. After 18 holes I can barely walk. 5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. 6. Lift your head and spread your legs. 7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired. 8. Just turn your back and drop it. 9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls. 10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. " Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal, " he starts writing in his notebook. " But I'm not a Giants fan, " the little hero replied. " Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. " said the reporter and starts again. " Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. " I'm not a Jets fan either, " the boy said. " I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for? " the reporter asked. " I'm a Cowboys fan, " the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, " Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet. "

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd? $ Michael Jordan having " retired, " with $ 40 million in endorsements, makes $ 178, 100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $ 52, 000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $ 7. 00, but he'll make $ 18, 550 while he's there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $ 618 while boiling it. $ He makes $ 7, 415/hr more than minimum wage. $ He'll make $ 3, 710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($ 90, 000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $ 2. 00 every second. $ He'll probably pay around $ 200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $ 33, 390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $ 9500 at 8: 30 a. m. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for...

A guy walked into a pro- shop with a gorilla. " Is anyone interested in a little wager? " he said, flashing some large bills around. " I've got $ 500. 00 here that says my gorilla can hit the ball longer and straighter than anybody here at this club. In fact, he hits it 500 yards right down the middle… every time! " Everyone in the pro- shop started laughing. After a moment, the newest pro at the club and the longest hitter in the area spoke up, " I gotta see this! " he said. " You know, what? I'll take you up on that wager! Meet you on the first tee. " When they reached the 585- yard par- 5 first tee the trainer led the gorilla to the tee box, put a driver in his hands, set a tee in the ground. The gorilla did the rest. Sure enough, he smashed his drive right down the middle and clear out of sight. When the ball finally came to rest it was on the green – – 6 inches from the cup. The pro was astonished. " That's incredible! " he exclaimed. " How did you train him to hit the ball like that! " There's no need for me to tee off. I couldn't beat him with a stick. Here's your money. " As the pro walked off the green,...

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, " Do you think there's baseball in heaven? " Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, " I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you – – and if you die first, you come back and tell me – – if there is baseball in heaven. " They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, " Sol… Sol…. " Sol responded, " Abe! Is that you? " " Yes it is Sol, " whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, " So, is there baseball in heaven? " " Well, " Abe said, " I got good news and I got bad news. " " Gimme the good news first, " said Sol. Abe said, " Well… there is baseball in heaven. " Sol said, " That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!? " Abe sighed and whispered, " You're pitching on Friday. "

What is the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

TOP 10 REASONS BASEBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX…10. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY 9. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK 8. YOU HAVE A COACH TO TELL YOU WHEN TO ADVANCE 7. WHEN YOU ARE TIRED, YOU ALWAYS GET RELIEVED 6. IF YOU STRIKE OUT ONCE, YOU STILL HAVE AT LEAST 2 MORE TIMES TO GET A HIT 5. UP TO 4 PEOPLE CAN SCORE AT ONCE 4. POP UPS ARE FREQUENT 3. 30, 000 PEOPLE CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE 2. AFTER 7 INNINGS, YOU GET TO STRETCH 1. YOU CAN GET A HOMERUN WITHOUT ANY FOREPLAY

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.

TOP 10 REASONS BASKETBALL IS BETTER THAN SEX…10. BALL MOVEMENT IS KEY 9. YOU CAN SET IT UP OR GO FOR THE FASTBREAK8. IF YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU CAN CALL A 20 SECOND TIMEOUT 7. THERE IS A COACH TELLING YOU WHEN TO " TAKE IT TO THE HOLE" 6. BEING DOUBLE- TEAMED IS COMMON5. YOU CAN PASS IT OFF, SO YOUR BUDDY CAN SCORE 4. IF SCOUTS LIKE YOUR PERFORMANCE, YOU TURN PRO 3. YOU KNOW YOU ARE DONE WHEN THE HORN SOUNDS 2. YOU ALWAYS TRY TO SCORE WITHIN 24 SECONDS 1. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL TO CLEAN UP ANY WET SPOTS