Restaurant jokes

A man and his girlfriend were out…

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. " The chicken sounds good; I'll have that, " the woman says. The waiter nods. " And the vegetable? " he asks. " Oh, he'll have the fish, " she replies.

An American tourist was lunching in a…

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China where the specialty was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table. " This is the breast of the duck; this the leg of the duck; this is the wing of the duck; etc. " Then came the dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for the explanation. Silence. " Well? " he finally asked, " What's this? " The waiter replied, " It's a friend of duck. "

Once a man went to a resturant…

Once a man went to a resturant and ordered an egg. When it was brought he didn't liked it so he informed the waiter that the egg was bad. Came the reply: " I don't lay egg sir I just lay table! "

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant…

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait. " Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir? ", he says. The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, " What'll it be? " The man replies, " Give me a Stoli with a twist. " The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, " Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs… "

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather…

Two little boys were visiting their grandfather and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, " Just bring them bread and water. " One of the little boys looked up and quavered, " Can I have ketchup on it? "

A out- of- towner in New York…

A out- of- towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, " You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here. " " You'll have to wait your turn, sir, " replied the harried and now irritated waiter, " I can only serve one table at a time. "

Jane' s father decided to take…

Jane's father decided to take all the family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he'd spent quite a lot of money for the meal he said to the waiter, " Could I have a bag to take the leftovers home for the dog? " " Gosh! " exclaimed Jane, " Are we getting a dog? "

Customer to friend: This is a wonderful…

Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world. Friend: I know – I ordered a small steak and got a calf.

Young woman sat down in small restaurant,…

Young woman sat down in small restaurant, a waitress came over to take her order. " I'll have a hamburger please. " " Burger! " she yelled over her shoulder. Then woman added. " Make that well done. " Waitres turned away again. " Torture it! " she yelled.

" Can I have some two- handed…

" Can I have some two- handed cheese, please? " a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. " What do you mean, 'two- handed cheese'? 'asked the waiter. " You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other. "

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled…

The headwaiter of an elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in boots, torn jeans and a leather jacket approached him. " Hey, man, " he said, " where's the toilet? " " Go down the hall and turn left, " replied the headwaiter. " When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen; pay no attention to it and go right on in. "

Eulus stood in front of the take-…

Eulus stood in front of the take- out window of a Rawl- ins fast food restaurant. " I want two hamburgers, " he said. " One with onions, and one without. " The counter man: " Okay. Which one's without the onions? "

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits…

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, " Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich! " The panda yells back at the manager, " Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up! " The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: " A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves. "

Two men were in a restaurant and…

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, " Please help yourself. " The other one said " Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, " really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish! " The other one replied, " What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you? "

" What flavors of ice cream do…

" What flavors of ice cream do you have? " inquired the customer. " Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate, " answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, " Do you have laryngitis? " " No…. " replied the new waitress with some effort, " just…erm…. vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate. "