Situations

A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant, " Do you have pigs ears? " The counter assistant replies, " No, its just the way my hair is parted! "

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, " Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito? "

Three college roommates – – two females and a male – – beganto argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes. " All right, " one of the girls said, " the first one to speak has todo them. " The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When theirneighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remainedsilent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into herbedroom. Forty- five minutes later, the young man emerged andapproached the second girl. Through sign language, theyagreed to adjourn to her bedroom. When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea butburned his fingers on the stove. " Hey, where's some petroleum jelly? " he hollered from thekitchen. " Oh, hell! " the male roommate said, jumping up. " I'll do thedishes. "

A cowboy along with his horse and dog are captured late oneafternoon by hostile Indians. This presents no problem for thehorse as the Indians can always use another pony. The dog'sfate is some what tenuous but it is certain that the cowboy willbe burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening theIndian chief tells the cowboy that he can have one last wish, within reason, before meeting his ultimate fate the thefollowing morning. The cowboy tells the chief that his lastrequest is to see his faithful dog, Rex. When the dog is broughtby the Indians the cowboy strokes and pets his companion andwhispers something into his ear. At once the dog bounds and runsthrough the Indian village and over the hill. This does notparticularly distress the Indians as they didn't really know whatto do with the dog anyway. At about 8 o'clock that evening the dog returns accompanied bysome two dozen hookers from the closest town. Needless to say thebraves were delighted at the prospect of an evening's entertainment. As the orgy wore on through the night, the chief told the cowboythat his stake burning was being postponed as they were all tootired from partying. The next day, the chief said to the cowboy, " in gratitude forfurnishing the ladies last night, I'm going to grant you anotherrequest before you are burned at the stake in the morning. " Againthe cowboy requests to...

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One dayhe has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar ofVaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must beleft out in the rain. A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. Sheasks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readilyagrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up onhis Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in shetells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks firstafter dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the firstperson to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteenminutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family. And no one says a word…! Next he decides to take a more directapproach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a...

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night. He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. " Would you like to dance with me? " he asked. She replied " Would I! ", and he sneered and told her, " BIG NOSE! "

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup getsto her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose abombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter: " Sir! Please stop that immediately. " " Certainly, madame, " replies the waiter with a bow, " which way was it headed? "

A guy calls the hospital. He says, " You gotta send help! My wife's goinginto labor! " The nurse says, " Calm down. Is this her first child? " He says, " No! This is her husband! "

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the localminister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, " My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving thatsheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you? " The farmer says, " I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, " You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch". " But I'm not pregnant, " she says. " Well you're not out of the ditch yet, " he says.

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, " Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss? " " Don't Miss me, mister. " " Well then, you better make it 13. "

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see afortune- teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, hewent inside and sat down. " Ah….. " said the woman as she gazedinto her crystal ball. " I see you are the father of two children. " " That's what you think, " said the man scornfully. " I'm the fatherof THREE children. " The woman grinned and said, " That's what YOUthink. "

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work? ''Why of course! ''Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of myright thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside ofmy left thigh. ''No problem, 'says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and getup on the table. 'After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. 'That doesn't look like them! 'she complains loudly. 'Oh yes it does, 'the artist says indignantly, 'and Ican prove it. 'With that, he runs out of the shopand grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. 'Well, what do you think? 'the woman asks, spreadingher legs. 'Do you know who these men are? 'The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutesand says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson! '

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of theworld's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cablesnaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phonedoesn't work, and they both begin to panic. The woman screams " We're going to die! ", rips of all herclothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man" make me feel like a woman again! " So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, andsays " pick that up, bitch. "

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to thehospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. Hethen sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, andlow and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. " So" the wife says, " what do you think he'll become after he finishesschool? A GP or a surgeon? " " Well, " says the man, rubbing his nose, " by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son- in- law. "

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are draggingtheir right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the otherknowingly, points at his foot and says, " Vietnam, 1969. " The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, " Dog shit, 20 feetback. "

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon. " Shit, " said the first bloke, " as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip thewife's knickers off! " " What's the rush? " his mate asked. " The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me, " the bloke replied.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. " WOW! " was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartenderrecognized him and asked, " Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now? " The proud father answered, " 10 pounds. " The bartender said, " Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, " Just had him circumcised! "

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink…. he notices thatat the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has everseen…. he is immediately lust- struck and decides that he must haveher…. He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has anySpanish- fly in the back…. the bartender says he will check and comesback a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder…. hesays to the man…" this isn't Spanish- fly, we are all out of that…. butthis is just as good…. this is Jewish- fly, and it is guaranteed to gether over here within twenty minutes after she takes it! " so the manforks over his $ 10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish- fly into achampagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with hiscompliments….. The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero ratherdisinterestedly….. but about twenty minutes later she slinks off herbarstool…. she saunters across the room toward our hero in a mostseductive manner…. oozing sensuality…. our hero is terrificallyexcited…. she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shouldersand leans in close to his ear…he can feel her breath on hisneck…. and she whispers " Hey big boy…. want to go shopping? "

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. " Hey, you know anything about parachutes? " he shoutedto her, as they passed by. The reply: " No… you know anything about Coleman stoves? "

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't batan eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. " What are you going to use it for? " she asked. " None of your business, " answered the customer, beetred and throughly offended. " Calm down, buddy, " soothed the salesgirl. " The onlyreason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't haveto charge you sales tax. "

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When askedwhy had she left her previous employment, she replied, " Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculousplace I ever worked. Last night they played a game calledBridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about tobring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, " Lay down andlet's see what you've got. " Another man said, " I've gotstrength but no length. " Another man says to the lady, " Take your hand off my trick! " " I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, " You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength forone raise. " Another lady was talking about protecting herhonor. Another lady said, " Now it's time for me to play withyour husband and you can play with mine. " " Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, Ihope to die if one of them didn't say, " Well, I guess we'llgo home now. This is the last rubber"

A man walked into the bar and there was a gorillasitting on a barstool. The man asked the bartender what the gorilla wasdoing in the bar so the bartender showed him. Hetook out a bat and hit the gorilla over the headwith it. The animal instantly dropped down andgave the bartender blow job. The Bartender then asked the man if he would liketo try it. The man said " Sure, but please don't hit me quiteso hard".

It seems that Abe and Morey, two salesmen for an advertising agency, were traveling together through the midwest, when they were caughtbetween towns during a driving snow storm. The further they went, the worse conditions got, and they finallyslid off into a ditch. Fortunately there was a house quite nearby. They waded through the drifts to the house, and after a shortconversation with the lady who answered the door, they were able toconvince her that they were no danger to her, and she let them come in. She prepared a meal for them, and during the conversation Abe andMorey learned that she was a widow of a few years standing. Conditions continued to deteriorate, and she prepared the guest roomfor Abe and Morey. The next day about 10: 00 AM, a snowplow came through and helpfullypulled the salesmen's car our of the ditch, after cleaning the road. Abe and Morey thanked th widow Brown and went on their rounds. Nine months later, Abe called Morey, and asked if Morey had, by somechance, happened to have drifted down the hall to the wodow Brown'sbedroom after he (Abe) had gone to sleep. After a little hemming andhawing, Morey admitted he had. With a little further prodding, headmitted that he had given the good lady Abe's name, address and phonenumber as his own. Where upon Abe said, " That explains this letter from her lawyer sayingshe has...

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F- 50 and hewas taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on amopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked theguy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was gettingout of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. " oh, around 175- 200. Want to see? " Of couse the boy nodded and waitedfor the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. Ashe was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him andthen flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it? " He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behindhim. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Thenthe light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch upwith the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and ina stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.. " Would you mind takingmy suspenders off your rear view mirror? "

" What happened? " asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. " Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I triedto read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view. " " And did you manage to see what the sign said this time? " asked the visitor. " Yes. " " What did it say? " " Don't stand up in the car! "

This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water. " That's ridiculous! " he shouted at the pool manager. " Everybody does it, you know. " " That may be so, " came the reply, " but usually not from the diving board. "

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, " Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have? " I said, " Fire and theft. " Insurance agent frowned. " Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft. " Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.

A woman in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs spread wide, lets out a loud yell and out pops a little black head. " There was this black guy once" she said to the midwife. Then she screamed again and out pops a yellow body. " That must be the Chinese guy I slept with" she said. Then one more scream and the baby? s white legs were born, " Ah – that was the husbands bit" she said. The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap, then baby started crying. The woman looked at the doctor & said " Thank fuck for that, I thought it was going to bark!!! "

" Hey, Pal", the irate druggist shouted, " Put that cigar outwhile you are in my store! " " I bought this cigar here! " claimed the Customer. " Big Deal! ", said the Druggist. " We sell condoms too. "

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when arobber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells tothe bartender, " This is a stick- up! Put all your dough in this bag! " The scared bartender pleads, " Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say! " The robber yells, " Shut up and empty the cash register! " The bartender says, " Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say! " The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob! " " Anything! " cries the bartender, " Just don't shoot! " The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it backto the crook and yells, " Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friendsmight walk in! "

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has acork in his ass. He says, " How'd you get a cork in your ass? " The other guy says, " I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, " I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant- um you one wish. " And I said, " No shit. "

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called " lady of the night". Shesays, " For $ 300. 00, I'll do anything you want. " Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says: Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As hesat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. Anearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a cleanspoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, andasked, " Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets? " The waiter replied, " Yes. We had an efficiency expert here thatdetermined that 17. 8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen. " The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, " Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a stringhanging from your fly? " The waiter replied, " Yes, we all do. Thatsame efficiency expert determined that we spend 21. 4% of our timewashing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of thatstring is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull thestring to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time. " " Wait a minute, " said the diner, " how do you get your penis backin your pants? " " Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I usethe...

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow$ 200 for six months. The loan officer asks him whatkind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got aRolls Royce – – keep it until the loan is paid off- – here are the keys. 'Six months later the man comes into the bank, paysback the $ 200 loan, plus $ 10 interest, and regainspossession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, whywould a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrowtwo hundred dollars? 'The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for thatlong for ten dollars? '