A woman enters a butcher shop and asks the counter assistant, " Do you have pigs ears? " The counter assistant replies, " No, its just the way my hair is parted! "
Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, " Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito? "
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves. Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, " Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon? " The older boy replied, " As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon. " At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper. In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, " Have you two learned your lesson? " " Sure, Dad! " said the big brother, " But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth. " " Ah yes! 'said the farmer, " BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!! "
One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctorthat her husband wasn't interested in her any more he justwouldn't have sex with her anymore. So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of100 pills. He told her that " if you give your husband one ofthese pills then he would have sex with you. " So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in hisdinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next dayshe thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she puttwo in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day. She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in hisdinner and he ate it. Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guywalked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kidsaid, " My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurtsand my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kittykitty…'"
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassinga young girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed the worker yelled " Well you're an ugly bitch anyway! " The girl turned around and replied " It must be terrible wheneven an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day? "
Jane was a first time contestant on the $ 65, 000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled inher favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She evenmanaged to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's hostcould ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drovethem home. " I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! Youknow I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. " Relax honey, " her husband, Roger, reassured her, " It will all be OK. " Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and startedheading out the door. " Where are you going? " Jane asked. " I have a little errand torun. I should be back soon. " After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wickedgrin. " Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer! " " What is it? " shecried excitedly. " OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? 'And theanswer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis. '" The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3: 30 a. m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger,...
The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundredsof people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end. He's saying, " You're all in my power…you're all in my power.. " Fifteen hundred people are going, " Oooo…" He starts to say it again, " You're all in my…", when heaccidentally drops the watch. He says, " Shit. " It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. " Paddy, " says Murphy, " I've got a problem. " " What's the matter? " replies Paddy" Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges. " " What's the picture of? " asks Paddy" It's of a big cockerel, " Murphy replies. Paddy says, " Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look. " He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. " Oh thanks for coming Paddy. " He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, " For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet. "
A woman strode angrily into the large drug- store- cum- general- store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, " What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them? " The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, " Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'? "
A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. " Hi, there, I'm Jerry, " he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, " and I help produce a T. V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you? " " As a matter of fact there is, " she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. " Do you have change for a dollar? "
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, " I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door- to- door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. " Good morning, madam. I've come to…. " " Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you, " Mrs. Smith cut in. " Really? " the photographer asked. " Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies" " That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" After a moment, she asked, blushing, " Well, where do we start? " " Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out! " " Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me" " Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results" " My, that's a lot of….. " gasped Mrs. Smith. " Madam, in my line...
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $ 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete theirplaying time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, " Now, who is going to tell the wife? " They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. " Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me. " Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, " Your husband just lost $ 500 playing cards. " She hollers, " TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD! " Rippington says, " I'll tell him. "
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in hisleft eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headacheand asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hourlater Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms. " I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms. " " Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you evertried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye? "
One day Pete was complaining to his friend " my elbow hurts. I bettersee a doctor". His friend said " Don't do that. There's a computer inthe drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaperthan visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine andit will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. Itonly costs $ 10. 00. " Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urinesample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured inthe sample and deposited $ 10. 00. The computer started to make a weirdnose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a smallslip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Petebegan to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples fromhis wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine anddeposited $ 10. 00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed outthe following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has...
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver sawa woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, andcouldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, " There, littlelady, that's done! " " Quiet, " she ordered him. " You'll wakeup my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat. "
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. " Can I see your license and registration, bub? ", the cop inquired. " But officer, " the fellow started, " I can explain…" " Shut yer trap, bub! " snapped the officer. " You're going downtownand sit a while till the sarge gets back. " " But, officer, I think you really should know…" " And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail! " A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, " Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back. " " Don't count on it, " shot back the sap in the cell. " I'm the groom. "
Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back. As Cronin hands him a twenty- dollar bill, he says, " Listen, it's…it's none of my business, but…why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop? " The barber says, " Hey, my lease is up in two weeks…do I care? " The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor. The barber says, " What are you doing? " Cronin says, " Well, fuck, I'm leaving now. "
Innkeeper: The room is $ 15. a night. It's $ 5. if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
This guy goes to sperm bank to give a sample. So the girl At the front desk says to him: " Thank you for coming. "
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. " Sure, " said the druggist. " Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up. "
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes thedirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow driesits fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, " Did you hear that Fluffy died? ". The guy stumbles around and says, " Um.. er.. no.. what happened? ". The neighbor replies, " We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we wentoutside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put himback into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there! "
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and theylived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store… What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, " Ballroomplease. " A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, " I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you. "
" Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model, " the editor from themen's magazine explained. " It's too obvious that your blonde hairisn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black. " The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor'sfingers. " What the hell did you do that for! " he exploded. She smiled sweetlyand said, " Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? Andthey've only been banged once. "
The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one dayand started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion'around hisears when the customer yelled, " Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse! " Another customer who was waiting replied, " Hey John, youcan put the 'Aftershave Lotion'on me… My wife has neverbeen in a French Whorehouse! " Then the fun began…
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911operator told Bubba that she would send someone outright away. " Where do you live? " asked the operator. Bubba replied, " At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. " The operator asked, " Can you spell that for me? " There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, " How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and youpick her up there? "
A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children. He stops, turns around and shouts, " Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball! "
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bearwalked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them. The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of runningshoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bearslowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, " What are you doing? Running shoes aren'tgoing to help, you can't outrun that bear. " " I don't need to, " saidthe first man, " I just need to outrun you. "
A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor and he was having a get- together the coming weekend. He said: I have to warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and asked the party host. " By the way, what should I wear at the party" The man, responded " Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you! " Sent by Chris
How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off? When you find a string in your bloody mary.
A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict – – its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round- trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised tosend the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, " If you don't have $ 15, get the hell out of my cab. " So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regainhis financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of thecasino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he couldmake the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit...
Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties, and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid. The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, andwasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. TheKing finally decided to take matters into his own hand. He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom, " who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at thecastle at noon, the following Sunday. " Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decidedto have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand. Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat, and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall. The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat. The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow, and wasn't even tired. The king went up to him, and said " Congratulations, you are the onlyone worthy enough to marry my daughter. " And the suitor replied, " Forget your daughter, I want your cow! "
The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonaldwas in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Centurysporran and asked, " What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum? "
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: " Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump outthe window my husband is home early! " Ralph looked out thewindow and said: " I can't jump out the window! It's raininglike hell out there! " Mary cried: " If my husband catches usin here, he will kill both of us! " So the boyfriend grabbedhis clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outsidehe found himself in the middle of a marathon race… so hestarted running along side the others – – only he was still inthe nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, " Do you always run in the nude? " Ralph answered, while gasping for air: " Oh yes, It feels sofree having the air blow over your skin while you are running. " The other runner then asked the nude man: " Do you always runcarrying your clothes on your arm? " Ralph answered breathlessly: " Oh yes, that way I can get dressedat the end of the run and get in my car to go home! " The runner then asked: " Do you always wear a condom when you run? " Ralph answered,...