Situations

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's…

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, " Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito? "

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive…

A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier afterhaving eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills mostexclusive restaurants. " Show the lady your finest mink! " the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with anabsolutely gorgeous full- length coat. As the lady tries it on, thefurrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, " Ah, sir, thatparticular fur goes for $ 65, 000. " " No problem! I'll write you a check! " " Very good, sir. " says the shop owner. " Today is Saturday. You maycome by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank. " So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: " How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!! " " I just had to come by, " grinned the guy, " to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life! "

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new…

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brandnew tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belongto, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. " What's that? " she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. " Tennis ball, " came the breathless reply. " Oh, " said the girl sympathetically, " that must be painful. Ihad tennis elbow once. "

Like to screw?

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to thefront door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?, " hesays. " That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobbyreplies politely that they will probably just go to the sodashop or a movie. Carrie's father responds " why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it. " Naturally, this comes as aquite a surprise to Bobby- so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. " Yeah, " says Carries father, " Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her! " Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan forthe evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minuteslater, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt andannounces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless withanticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: " Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist! "

Kind of awkward

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into theliving room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix somedrinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on themantel. He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, " What's this? " She says, " Oh, my father's ashes are in there. " He turns beat red in horror and goes, " Oh, well, er…I…" She says, " Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray. "

Put it to a good use

The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father, " I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth. " Mr. Jones cries, " My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby? " The doctor says, " Use it as a rake? "

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar…

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, " Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse. " Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. " That's okay, " the blonde replied, " If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car. "

Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary…

Joan, a rather well- proportioned & near- sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. " Excuse me, miss, " said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past week. " " What difference does it make? " Joan asked rather calmly. " No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel. " " Not exactly, " said the embarrassed little man. " You're lying on the dining room skylight! "

How'd you get that black eye?

First man: How'd you get that black eye? Second man: I called some woman a two- bit whore. First man: She punched you? Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

My name is Brown

A tipsy guy in a bar stood and made the following speech, " I am white from head to toe. I am rich and I am handsome. My name is Brown. B- R- O- W- N. " Thoroughly annoyed, Sam retorted, " My name is Sam and I am white from head to toe. Except my asshole. Which is brown. B- R- O- W- N. "

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated…

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated sideby side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendlyand all, said: " So, where y'all from? " The New York girl said, " From a place where they know betterthan to use a preposition at the end of a sentence. " The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and thenreplied: " So, where y'all from, bitch? "

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own…

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a womanjust passing and said, " Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time? " In a strident voice she responded, " How dare you make such a proposition tome? " The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware thatevery pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled, " I just asked the time, miss. " In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, " I will call the police if yousay another word! " Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastenedto the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath andwondering how soon he could sneak out the door. Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In aquiet voice, she said, " I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesison the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements. " The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, " You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars? "

Buy me bras!

" Dad, can i ask you something? " " Sure! What about? " " You see, I'm already fourteen and…I think it's just proper that i should own one. " " And what is this 'one'you're referring to? " " Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres? " " No. " " My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention. " " Nope. " " It will be just proper at my age…" " I said no way…! " " But all of my friends wears…….! " " David! How many times shall i tell you that bras are for girls!? "

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day…

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. " Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop? " Arnold asked. " Not very likely, " his wife said. " It's worth a try, " Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, " Just a minute. I'll have to look for these. " He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, " Here they are! " " No kidding? " Arnold called back. " That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time. " The man came back to the counter, empty- handed. " They'll be ready Thursday, " he said calmly.

A man stops by a diner at noon…

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, " How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee? " The man says, " Two's fine. " She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. " And cream? " she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, " You wouldn't dare! "

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls…

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, " cough drops" and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, " What are you doing here, m'am? " The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, " Well, I can suck em can't I? "

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south…

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, " This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, " Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, " Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, " Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms…

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman. She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, " Compared to what? " She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, " I'm bigger than that. " Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, " I'm bigger than that. " Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, " I'm about that big. " She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, " You're a medium. "

Three calamities

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, " Why are you laughing? " The guy says, " I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted…" " What's so funny about that? " " It blew my neighbor's house apart! "

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to…

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix. " See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together. " " I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman, " said the dentist calmly, " and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers'braces all the time. " Mr. Tuckerman whispered, " Yes, but from an IUD? "

Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day whena young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered hisbutcher shop and confronted him with the news that thebaby was his and asked what was he going to do aboutit? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat untilthe boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting themeat each week, came into the shop and said, " I'll be 16 tomorrow. " " I know, " said the butcher with a smile, " I've beencounting too, tell your mother, when you take thisparcel of meat home, that it is the last free meatshe'll get, and watch the expression on her face. " When the boy arrived home he told his mother. Thewoman nodded and said, " Son, go back to the butcherand tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch theexpression on HIS face! "

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady…

A carpet- layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost hiscigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. " Nosense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, " hesaid to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer andflattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. " Here, " she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. " I found them in the hallway. " " Now, " she said, " if only I could find my parakeet. "

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel…

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel. He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $ 50, but she wasfar too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $ 10, but she wasalso too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $ 1, who happenedto have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and hadthe time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back thenext day for the same $ 1 whore, and again had to wear a blackcondom. Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must weara black condom? The pimp told him " To show respect for the dead. "

A bad day

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half- an- hour. Then, this big trouble- making truck driver steps next to him, takes thedrink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: " Come on man, I wasjust joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to seea man crying. " " No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, Ioverslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. Thepolice, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paidthe cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left homeand came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end tomy life, you show up and drink my poison…"

A city boy was visiting the country and…

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. " It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell! " said the boy. " Oh, shit! " said the farmer. " You've shot the wife! "

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet…

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. " No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, " he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. " Here, " she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. " I found them in the hallway. " " Now, " she said, " if only I could find my gerbil. "

A girl called the police department and reported that…

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, " When did this happen? " She replied, " Last week. " The police then asked, " Why did you wait until now to report it? " Well, " she said. " I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced. "

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died…

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, " Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill. " Later, he got a bill for $ 200. 00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $ 200. 00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $ 200. 00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. " Well, " said the other brother, " you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo. "

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward…

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, " What's wrong? What's the emergency? " " Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It's disfigured. " " Well, how bad is it? Can I see? " " Follow me, sir. " They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms. Mister Smith is upset, " Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way! " The nurse interrupts, " No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please. " They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs. Mister Smith cries, " Oh dear God! What could be worse than this? " " No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me. " Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all. " Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this? " " Not your child, sir. Follow me. " One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself toenter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear. " This is your child, Mister Smith. " Smitty goes nuts, " Oh Lord! What could possibly be worsethan this!? But…It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed- time...

Over the counter

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmartand asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it. When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, " Do you sell Viagra here? " The pharmacist answers firmly, " Yes, sir. We certainly do. " The man then asks, " Do you think I could get it over the counter? " The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, " Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might. "

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world…

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, " How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment? " The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, " I'm drowning, you moron! "

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road…

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out thewindow and yelled, " Pig! " The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, " Bitch! " They continue on their way and as the man rounded thenext corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of theroad.

A dubious remedy

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, " When you feel like you are getting readyto ejaculate, try startling yourself. " That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the twobegan, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, " How did it go? " The man answered, " Not that well… when I fired thepistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air! "