Science

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, " You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you. " Joe replied. " Are you crazy?!! " Larrywent on to say, " I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, " How will you tell if it hurts or not? " Larry told Joe, " If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. " Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River……

Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood- burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by...

Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.

What did one gay sperm say to the other? – I can't find my way through all this shit.

Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked, " Elton, what's that? " " That's a ferry- boat, George my love, " answered Elton. " Oooh! " Squealed George, " I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy! "

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, " I put Vaselineon it every night. " That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, " What in the hell is that? " " It's to grow hair. " he replied. " Bull shit! " said George. " If Vaseline grew hair…I'd have tail a mile long!

Is There a Santa Claus? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help fromthat renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased topresent the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species ofliving organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insectsand germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santahas ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish andBuddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total – 378million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3. 5 children per household, that's 91. 8 million homes. One presumesthere's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the differenttime zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seemes logical). This works out to 822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santahas 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down thechimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under thetree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get backinto the sleigh...

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, " It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. " Another said, " No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections. " The last said, " Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area? "

Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?……………. A. Speed bumps

Why do gay men have moustaches? To hide the stretchmarks.

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. " I'm in love with my horse, " he said. " But that's nothing, " replied the shrink. " A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much. " " Ah, but doctor, " the patient replied. " It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse. " " Ahhh! " exclaimed the doc. " What kind of a horse is it? Male or female? " " Female, of course, " said the bloke. " What do you think I am, a faggot! "

What's the definition of AIDS? Anally Injected Death Sentence.

If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below)1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologicprotuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement ofa sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact sizeof which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of hisanatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the teamperformed a self- rotational translation oriented in the direction takenby the first member. 2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: oneresearcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unableto consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocalarrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viandsunder consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container ofthe viands devoid of contents. 3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supportingstructural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involvedin ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritualobservance of an annual fixed- day religious festival. Insertion into thesaccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followedby removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made adeclarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as ayoung male human. 4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuitywere observed in a state of rapid locomotion in...

" Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible. " " If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump. "

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks overto a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmerappears. " Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile downthe road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I….. " The farmer says, " Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, butyou'll have to sleep with my two sons…. " The salesman says, " Sons! I must be in the wrong joke! "

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? lick- a- lot- a- pusSent by rob

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened tomention that he had gotten circumcised last week. " Can I see it? " asked the second gay homosexual, so he promptlydropped his pants to show off his cock. " Oooh, " squealed his friend, " You look ten years younger! "

How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar? Even the pool tables don't have balls.

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towardslegislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionarythought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch thesurface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especiallytrue in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together inan intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placementof suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offeredfor sale in the United States of America. Our Suggested list of requiredwarnings appears below. Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional tothe Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the DistanceBetween Them. Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute ElectricallyCharged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred MillionMiles per Hour. Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle, 'It Is Impossiblefor the Consumer to...

If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there is an exception to every rule. If we accept " For every rule there is an exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there can be an exception tothe rule that for every rule there is an exception.

Two bums were sitting on a street curb, bored as ever. Then, one of them got an idea, saying " I know, let's play swords! " " Play swords? " asked the other. " How? " " Simple. Whip it out, smackit till it's hard, and we both whack'em together like swords. " So they did, and they were running up and down the street, smackingtheir dicks together playing swords. Then, a gay man walked up to them and inquired about their actions. " We're playing swords! " yelled one of the bums. The gay man wanted to play too. An hour later, the gay man was becomingexhausted. " I'm tired, " he said. He bent over saying, " kill me!, killme!! "

4 gay guys walk into a bar. There is only 1 4 legged stool left, how do they sit??? They turn it upsidedown. Sent by GC

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: " I can lick any man in the place! " The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: " Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this yourfirst time in a gay bar? "

What's the difference between a white gerbil and a brown gerbil? The white one got away.

Save the Yeasts EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, APPROXIMATELY 150, 000, 000 YEASTS ARE KILLED. Come to the award- winning 1987 film, " The Very Small and Quiet Screams" – – a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. " A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. " + – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – + Evening showing in Johnson & Wales Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 + – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – + = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = SPONSORED BY Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) Student Bakers for Social Responsibility Coalition for the...

If a tree falls in the forest, and there's noone there to hear it, does it make a sound? Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Q: How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat? A: If you sit down before the other guy gets off.

Q: Why should we feel bad for the gay homeless population? A: None of them have closets to come out of.

Q. What does it mean when two lesbians make love? A. It doesn't mean dick.

Technical Night Before Christmas 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconcious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal had coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, nothing thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said rival that of the solar meridian itself – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by...

An academic problemIn a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, " When will the girls and boys meet? " Mathematician: " Never. " Physicist: " In an infinite amount of time. " Engineer: " Well… in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes. "

Question: What do you call a gay man's scrotum? Answer: Mud flaps!

Two gay men were in bed fooling around when all of asudden the door bell rings. The first gay man tellsthe second, " Don't cum until I come back", and herushes off to answer the door. After a few minutes, he eagerly returns to the bedroomonly to find cum was all over the bed and sheets. Hesays to the second gay man, " I thought you wasn't goingto cum until I came back. The second gay man says to thefirst, " I didn't cum,…….. I farted! Sent by Ken " C"