Science

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a whitewick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold apencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn blackbecause it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very...

New scientific theories VI

New scientific theoriesGRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on itsfeet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the butteredside facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to theback of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above theground, probably into eternity. A " buttered- cat array" could replacepneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and " giant buttered- cat arrays" could easily allow a high- speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

A name for a penis

A guy walks into a bar… once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, " What the heck, I really want a drink. " So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, " What's the name of your penis? " The guy says, " Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. " The gay bartender says, " I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. " So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, " Hey bud, what's the name of your penis? " The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, " TIMEX. " The guy asks, " Why Timex? " The fella proudly replies, " Cause it takes a lickin'and keeps on tickin'! " A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, " So, what do you call your penis? " The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, " FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, " Have you driven a Ford lately? " Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender...

A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and…

A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large knob of salami. " Would you like it sliced, sir? " the shopkeeper asked politely. " What do you think I am? " replied the fag, "…a money box! "

Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon…

Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon, " I wish I had chest hair like you" So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says " It will work in about two months. " Two months later Bob has no hair on his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair. 'Jon comes home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks " Why? " Bob says " to grow chest hair" Jon says if Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail comin'out your ass! "

English is a Crazy Language

English is a Crazy Language From: Charlie IndelicatoLet's face it – – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplantnor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffinsweren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats arecandies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find thatquicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig isneither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don'tgroce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't theplural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that youcomb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunchof odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eatsvegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhapsyou bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylumfor the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play andplay at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by...

There is 2 fags walking down the beach…

There is 2 fags walking down the beach. They are holding hands andkicking the sand with their feet. One happens to kick a lamp that islying buried in the sand. He pick it up and starts to clean it off. All of a sudden a Genie comes out of the lamp. Genie, " Man, I don't believe it. I have stuck in that bottle for 2thousand years and the first person to come along and find me is afag. I am suppose to give you 3 wishes but I just can't do it. I won'teven give you 2. I will give you one wish and that is it. What will itbe. " The 2 fags are excited about getting their wish but couldn't come upwith what they wanted to wish for on such short notice. Fag1 says, " Could you give us just a little time to think about it? Imean one wish we need a little time. " The Genie looks down and says, " Alright you can take as long as youwant but I am not going to stay here until you come up with it. I justcan't stand the sight of you two. Whenever youmake me your mind justwish for it and it will done. " At that moment the Genie grabs his bottle and flys off into the sky. Well the two fags decide that they will go back to...

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization… Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one- tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

Buffalo analogy

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving bythe regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the humanbrain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

This one is really disgusting…

Two fags are on a picnic, and the first guy says, " I have to take adumpski, " and he walks into the woods to do it. Several minutes later, the other guy hears the first guy crying" Boo Hoo, I Had A Miscarriage. I Had A Miscarriage. " He runs into the woods to see what is going on. When he gets there, the first guy is still crying, " Boo- Hoo I Had AMiscarriage… He looks down and says, " Don't be silly. You didn't have a miscarraige. Youhad diarrhea on a toad. "

A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked…

A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar oneevening and said to the bartender " Give everyone a drink exceptthat gay guy over there" About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, " Give everyonea drink except that gay guy over there" The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartenderasks why, and the gay guy says " I am going to put one in each cheek, go over there, and cold- cock that big sonofabitch! "

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for…

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, " You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you. " Joe replied. " Are you crazy?!! " Larrywent on to say, " I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, " How will you tell if it hurts or not? " Larry told Joe, " If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. " Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River……

Night Before Christmas

Night Before Christmas For Readers in their 23rd Year of Schooling 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood- burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself – – thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by...

Handy guide to modern science

Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay…

Two British faggots were standing on Circular Quay looking out over the harbour. One of them pointed to a ferry and asked, " Elton, what's that? " " That's a ferry- boat, George my love, " answered Elton. " Oooh! " Squealed George, " I knew there was a lot of us, but I didn't know we had our own navy! "

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room…

A straight guy and a gay are in the men's room and the straight guy has his shirt unbuttoned exposing a heavy coat of chest hair. The gay asked how he came to have so much hair on his chest. He said, " I put Vaselineon it every night. " That night the gay put Vaseline on his chest and went to bed. His partner George said, " What in the hell is that? " " It's to grow hair. " he replied. " Bull shit! " said George. " If Vaseline grew hair…I'd have tail a mile long!

Is There a Santa Claus?

Is There a Santa Claus? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help fromthat renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased topresent the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species ofliving organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insectsand germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santahas ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish andBuddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total – 378million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3. 5 children per household, that's 91. 8 million homes. One presumesthere's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the differenttime zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seemes logical). This works out to 822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santahas 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down thechimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under thetree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get backinto the sleigh...

Three engineering students were gathered together…

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, " It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints. " Another said, " No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections. " The last said, " Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area? "

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist…

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist. " I'm in love with my horse, " he said. " But that's nothing, " replied the shrink. " A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much. " " Ah, but doctor, " the patient replied. " It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse. " " Ahhh! " exclaimed the doc. " What kind of a horse is it? Male or female? " " Female, of course, " said the bloke. " What do you think I am, a faggot! "

If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes

If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below)1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologicprotuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement ofa sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact sizeof which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of hisanatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the teamperformed a self- rotational translation oriented in the direction takenby the first member. 2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: oneresearcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unableto consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocalarrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viandsunder consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container ofthe viands devoid of contents. 3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supportingstructural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involvedin ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritualobservance of an annual fixed- day religious festival. Insertion into thesaccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followedby removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made adeclarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as ayoung male human. 4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuitywere observed in a state of rapid locomotion in...

Marine biology researchers have developed a new method…

" Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible. " " If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump. "

Wrong joke

A traveling salesman's car breaks down, and he walks overto a near by farm. He knocks on the door and the farmerappears. " Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile downthe road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I….. " The farmer says, " Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, butyou'll have to sleep with my two sons…. " The salesman says, " Sons! I must be in the wrong joke! "