Bar Jokes

A cowboy walks in to a…

A cowboy walks in to a bar and says, " I want a beer. " So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone. He shouted, " if i dont get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home.

A man drinking at the bar…

A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink. The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink. The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts. " I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much…so how the hell do you know? "

Last New Year's Eve, one woman…

Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. It was embarrassing – The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A seal walks into a bar…

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal, " What's your pleasure? " The seal replies, " Anything but Canadian Club. "

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He…

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says " Do you know your monkey stole my beer. " The pianist replies " No, but if you hum it, I'll play it. "

It was Halloween and three vampires…

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar. " What will you have? " the bartender asked. " I'll have a glass of blood, " the first replied. " I'll have a glass of blood, too, please, " said the second. " I'll have a glass of plasma, " said the third. " OK, let me get this straight, " the bartender said. " That'll be two bloods and a blood light? "

The husband was not home at…

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3: 00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. " Do you realize what time it is? " she asked. He answered, " Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house. " Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, " What did you buy for the house, dear? " His answer was, " A round of drinks! "

Two men who are out walking…

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other, " Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, " No Pets Allowed, " and I can't leave Fido alone on the street. " The other man replies, " No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon! " The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, " Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here! " The man says, " But I'm blind, and this is my seeing- eye dog! " The bartender says, " Oh, okay then. " The man drinks his beer and leaves. The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says, " Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here! " The man says, " But I'm blind, and this is my seeing- eye dog! " The bartender says, " Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing- eye dog! " The man, thinking quickly, blurts out, " Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua? "

John Smith lived in Staten Island,…

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. " How did you like that jump, buddy? " said a proud John to a deck hand. " It was great, " said the sailor. " But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in! "

Every night, after dinner, a man…

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, " Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways. " The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on...

An armless man walked into a…

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, " Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom? " The bartender quickly replies -, " The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street. "

A guy walks into a bar and…

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3×5 note card and writes on it, " I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3×5 note card next to his beer saying, " I SPIT IN IT TOO".

Yesterday, scientists in the United States…

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

A small balding man storms into…

A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, " Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight. " The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, " Gimme another one. " The bartender pours the drink, but says, " Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset? " So, the man begins his tale. " Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, " Wow, this has never happened before. " You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, r and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true. " He continued, " She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and...

One day a drunk walked into…

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, " Why did you do that? " The drunk said very apologetically, " I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you? " The bartender answered, " Haven't you seen anyone about this problem? " The drunk replied, " I never thought of that. Maybe I will. " The bartender said, " Don't come back until you do get help, " and the drunk left. About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, " I thought I told you not to come back until you got help! " The drunk replied, " I did. Now I don't feel ashamed. "

After the Great Britain Beer Festival,…

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, " Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona. " The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, " I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser. " The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, " I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors. " He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, " Give me a Coke. " The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask " Why aren't you drinking a Guinness? " and the Guinness president replies, " Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I. "

McPherson walked into a bar and…

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. " S'cuse me, " said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. " What was that all about? " " Nothing, " said the Irishman, " my wife sent me out for a jar of olives. "

A man stumbles up to the…

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 'Why, of course, 'comes the reply. The first man then asks, 'Where are you from? ''I'm from Ireland, 'replies the second man. The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland. ''Of course, 'replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from? ''Dublin, 'comes the reply. 'I can't believe it, 'says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin. ''Of course, 'replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to? ''St Mary's, 'replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962. ''This is unbelievable, 'the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too. 'About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. 'What's been going on? 'he asks the barman. 'Nothing much, 'replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again. '

Three vampires walk into a bar…

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, " I vould like some blood. " The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, " I vould like some blood. " The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, " I vould like some plasma. " The waitress looks up and says, " Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light? "

A fellow decides to take off…

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip- toeing up the stairs. Half- way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. " Well, you really tied one on last night, " she said. " Where'd you go? " " I worked late, " he said, " and I stopped off for a couple of beers. "...

A guy walks into a tavern….

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve- inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, " What's that all about? " The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, " Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish. " " Okay, " said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, " You have one wish. " The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, " Hey! I didn't want a million ducks. " The bartender replied, " Do you think I wanted a twelve- inch Pianist? "

A Russian walks into a bar…

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. " That will be one ruble, " says the bartender. " One ruble! " the customer protests, " last week it was only fifty kopeks! " " Well, " replies the bartender, " it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika. " Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, " We are out of beer. "

A guy walked into a bar…

A guy walked into a bar and said " Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender. " But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said " Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender! " The bartender said " Why? " The guy replyed " You're violent when you're drunk! "

A group of loud and rowdy…

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet. " Is this where Frank lives? " one of the drunks asked. " Yes, it is, " the woman replied. " Well then, " said the drunk, " Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home? "

A number twelve walks into a…

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. " Sorry I can't serve you, " states the barman. " Why not?! " asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. " You're under 18, " replies the barman.

A man walks into a pub and…

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. " Does your dog bite? " " No. " A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. " I thought you said your dog didn't bite! " the man says indignantly. " That's not my dog. "

A man had been drinking at…

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. " What's so funny? " the bartender asked. " That stupid Dave! " the fellow chortled, " He's so drunk, he thinks he's me! "

A rather attractive woman goes up…

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. " Are you the manager? " she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. " Actually, no, " he replied. " Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, " she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. " I'm afraid I can't, " breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. " Is there anything I can do? " " Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, " she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. " Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room. "

A Scotsman is sitting in a…

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, " Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The man says, " Excuse me, Castro's Army. " The bartender says, " Alright then" and the man leaves. A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, " Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The man says, " Excuse me, Castro's Army. " The bartender says " Alright then" and the man leaves. The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, " Hey aren't you going to pay for that? " The Scotsman says, " Excuse me, Castro's Army. " The bartender says, " Hey where is your big black beard? " The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, " Secret Service! "