Bar Jokes

Sign seen in a bar: " Those drinking to forget please pay in advance. "

Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings.

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. " I'll bet you $ 10 he'll jump, " said the first guy. " Bet you $ 10 he won't, " said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. " I can't take your money, " said the first guy. " I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news. " " No, no. Take it, " said the second guy. " I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again! "

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, " What'll you have? " The guy answers, " A scotch, please. " The bartender hands him the drink, and says " That'll be five dollars, " to which the guy replies, " What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this. " A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, " You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration. " The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, " Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again. " The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, " What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! " The guy says, " What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my l ife! " The bartender replies, " I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. " To which the guy replies, " Thank you. Make it a scotch. "

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, " We don't serve your kind in here. " One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, " Why not? We're cultured individuals. "

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced " a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, " Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? " " Yup, shore am! " " How much does he weigh now? " The proud father answered, " Ten pounds. " The bartender said, " Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds. " The proud Texas father said, " Jest had him circumcised! "

How do barmen surf the web? On the Gin- ternet.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, " I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $ 500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back- to- back. " The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. " Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back- to- back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $ 500 and says, " If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ". The Irishman replies, " Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you can't move.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. " You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil! " Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. " How do you know this, Sister? " " My Mother Superior told me so. " " But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right? " " Don't be ridiculous- – of course I have never taken alcohol myself" " Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" " How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?! " " I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know. " The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. " Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman " and could you put the vodka in a teacup? " " Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it? "

A brain walks into a bar and says, " I'll have a pint of beer please. " The barman looks at him and says " Sorry, I can't serve you. " " Why not? " askes the brain. " You're already out of your head. "

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. " Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin'to die. " " Shure, an'why would he be dyin'? " asked the other. " Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin – – but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together. "

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, " I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned. " She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, " Tell me, did he suffer? " " Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so, " said the foreman, " He got out three times to go to the men's room. "

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. " What'll ya have? " he asked. " Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose, " she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. " Yuck, that's nasty poison! " she spluttered. " I don't know how you can drink this stuff! " " Well, there you go, " cried the husband. " And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night! "

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0. 0. The cop says, 'How is this possible? 'The guy says, 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy. '

Ever hear the expression " hard drinker"? Never made much sense to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.

A neutron walks into a bar. " I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. " How much will that be? " asks the neutron. " For you? " replies the bartender, " no charge"

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried. " What's the matter? " the bartender asks. " My wife and I got into a fight, " explained the guy " and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days. " The bartender thought about this for a while. " But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? " asked the bartender. " Yeah, except today is the last night. "

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. " Now don't let me ever see your face again, " said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. " I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir, " said the released man. " And why not? " " Because I'm the barman at your regular pub! "

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, " Is your date running late? " " No, " he replies, " I just bought this state- of- the- art watch and I was just testing it. " The intrigued woman says, " A state- of- the- art watch? What's so special about it? " " It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, " he explains. " What's it telling you now? " she asked. " Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. " he said. The woman giggles and replies, " Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties! " The man explains, " Damn thing must be an hour fast. "

What happened when the barman died? The police held an inn- quest

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! " Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window! " The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. " Jesus! He just jumped again! " The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. " How did you survive that jump? ".. " I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float. " So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie'drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and…SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then say s, " You know, Superman…you can be a real jerk when you're drunk. "

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer… and a mop.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $ 10, 000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, " Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step! " " So? " asked the ducks former owner, " did you remember to light the candle under the pot? "

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, " Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again. " To which the local jock replied, " Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again. "

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. " Say, " he said to the bartender, " how tall is a penguin? " " About two and a half feet. " " Thank God! " cried Monahan. " I thought I ran over a nun! "

" Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? " asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. " Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much, " answered the equally wasted gent. " Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years! "

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, " You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four! " The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, " You're drunker than I thought! ", taking the rest of the alcohol away, " That cat isn't coming in, it's going out! "

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails'and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says… 'What did you do that for! '

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, " I bet you $ 1, 000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass. " The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $ 1, 000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, " Well, I guess you owe me $ 1, 000, huh? " The man answers, " Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the nwindow $ 500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar. "

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. " Whoa, Sam! " said the bartender. " Who gave those beauties to you? " " Nobody gave them to me, " said Sam. " I had to fight like crazy for both of them. "

" Didja hear the news? " asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. " Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him! " " Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!! "

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

" I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, " and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull. " " That's a shame. " said his friend, " How did it happen? " " She wouldn't eat the mushrooms! "

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $ 100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, " What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside? " The dog answers " ROOF. " The bartender says, " Who are you kidding? I'm not paying. " The dogs owner says, " How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else. " The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, " Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time? " The dog answers with a muffled " RUTH. " With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, " DiMaggio? "