Zoo jokes

" Hey, Pop, " pleaded Angelo, "…

" Hey, Pop, " pleaded Angelo, " can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys? " " What's the matter with you? " asked his father. " Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here? "

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo…

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine- tingling roar. " Let's get out of here! " said Sauer. " Go on, if'n you want to, " said the other redneck. " But Ah'm stayin'for the whole movie! "

An enterprising mayor of the city of…

An enterprising mayor of the city of Granby, Quebec, a community south of Montreal, established a municipal zoo that has become a significant tourist attraction. It has also given rise to many unusual events. Last September one of the star attractions, Arnold, an Indonesian ape, escaped to the dismay of the zoo director. The matter was a serious one because the members of the staff of the zoo, while expert at caring for animals, had no experience whatsoever in rounding them up or capturing them. The zoo director appealed to the office of the mayor for help and the secretary to the mayor asked, " Have you looked in the yellow pages"? The director said he hadn't, but would, immediately. To his surprise, under " animal capturing service" he found a listing for the Acme Ape Apprehenders. He called them immediately. Within 20 minutes, a panel truck arrived at the admin office of the zoo and a small man emerged and rushed to the director who was waiting at the door. " Is there a wooded area in the vicinity? ", the little man asked. The director said there was, within one half mile from the zoo. " Hop in the truck", the little man said. The director did and they drove off. Minutes later they arrived at a small grove and immediately spotted Arnold on a branch about 25 feet above the ground....

Two young nuns having just been ordained…

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend, " I have one question. Did he sent flowers afterwards…? "

A Scotsman paying his first visit to…

A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages " An'whut animal would that be? " he asked the keeper. " Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply. " A moose!! ", exclaimed the Scotsman. " Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha'rats the size of elephants over there! "

FRED: Did I ever tell you about…

FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla? BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun… The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer… BERT: What did you do? FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

What' s the difference between a Northern zoo…

What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo? In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

Fred' s class was taken to…

Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. " Did you enjoy yourself? " asked her mother when she got home. " Oh, yes, " replied Fred. " But it was funny going to a dead zoo. "

Little Jordan wanted to go to the…

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left. " So how was it? " Elaine asked when they returned home. " Great, " Little Jordan replied. " Did you and your father have a good time? " asked Elaine. " Yeah, Daddy especially liked it, " exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, " especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1! "

Fred was definitely more than a bit…

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, " it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street. "

There was this truck driver who had…

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $ 500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him. The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, " What's going on? I gave you $ 500 to take these penguins to the zoo! " The new truck driver responds, " I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie. "

Zoo Keeper: " I' ve lost…

Zoo Keeper: " I've lost one of my elephants" Other Zoo Keeper: " Why don't you put an advert in the paper? " Zoo Keeper: " Don't be silly, he can't read! "

The Crist family worked at a zoo….

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to " survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

A father and his small son were…

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. Dad, " the boy said finally, " if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up…" " Yes, son? " the father said expectantly. " What bus should I take home? " the boy finished.

A kangaroo kept getting out of his…

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty- foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, " How high do you think they'll go? " The kangaroo said, " About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night! "

One day the zookeeper noticed that the…

One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang- utang was reading two books – – the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, " Why are you reading both those books"? " Well, " said the orang- utang, " I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother. "

The manager of a large city zoo…

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: " I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience. " He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: " I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience. " Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. " Everyone knows no full- stocked zoo should be without a mongoose, " he typed. " Please send us two of them. "

A man went to work for a…

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. " Look in the lion's mouth, " the vet told him. " How do I do that? " he asked. " Carefully, " replied the vet.