Instrument Jokes

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one – but the guitarist has to show him first. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand. The annoying drumsThis guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks " Wow, this is cool. " He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, " Hey!...

Q: Why are organists like a broken- winded cab horse? A: They are always longing for another stop. Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning? A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice. Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat miner. Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base? A: A flat major. Q: Why is an 11- foot concert grand better than a studio upright? A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff. Q: Why was the organ invented? A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer. Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments? A: He puts his Leslie on " slow". The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. " Dominoes, " he replied.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from the bassoon recital. Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer. Q: What is a burning oboe good for? A: Setting a bassoon on fire. Q: Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon? A: A bassoon; there's more wood! Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation. Q: What are oboes good for? A: Kindling when burning basoons

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor. Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A: A flat major. Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller? A: Be flat, major. Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? A: See flat major. Q: What key is " Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? A: C sharp or B flat. Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A: A sharp major. Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music? A: A natural major. Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk. Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out. One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside. Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists. Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.

A note left for a pianist from his wifeGone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet

From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor. After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations: 1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate. 2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less- skilled players with only marginal loss of precision. 3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency. 4. In so labour- intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments. Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear...

Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet. Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A: So they can park in the handicap zones. Q: What do you call a bass- clarinetist with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them. Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, " Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night? " The other replies, " That was no piccolo, that was my fife. "

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song. Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back. Disco is to music what Etch- A- Sketch is to art. Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole. After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible. Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade. Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? A: The knocking gets slower. Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? A: The knocking gets faster. Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? A: The bass player notices. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer. Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. Q: What did the drummer get on his I. Q. test? A: Drool. If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip. Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it. Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? A: Vibrato. Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it. Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in- tune tenor sax player, an out- of- tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out- of- tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two. Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari- sax? A: Add vibrato. Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty- nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

From " Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It's hosted by Ed McMahon. 9. " Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups. 8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables. 7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan. 6. One word: polkas. 5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls. 4. " Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents. 3. They're playing " May we turn the hose on you, please? " [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose. ]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage- diving. 1. The crowd is chanting, " Tito! Tito! Tito! "

There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up? The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes. Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes. Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't. Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks. Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig. Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works. Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e. g. " Y'all sang that real good! " Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere. Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece. Agnus dei: A famous female church composer. Allegro: Leg fertilizer. Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed. Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions. Augmented fifth: A 36- ounce bottle. Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two. Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin. Bravo: Literally, " How bold! " or " What nerve! " This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance. Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow. Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom. Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't. Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera " Frottola". Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes. Chansons de geste: Dirty songs. Chord: Usually spelled with an " s" on the...

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I. Q. is- – hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I. Q. is. " 200, 000" replies the first guest. " Well, that's great, " says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party, someone else is at the door. " Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. Q.? " The new guest responds with " 250". " Great, " says Bob. " Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile. Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. " Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. Q.? " This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it " five". " Well, that's great, " says Bob, " what kind of drumsticks do you use? "

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, " I could do that better. Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive. Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One. Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? A: " Hi. I'm better than you. " Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100. 2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music. 3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool. 4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e. g. pre- amp, pre- pre- amp, pre- menstrual- amp, post- amp, post- menopause- amp, etc. )5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub- speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e. g. tweeters, hooters, sub- woofers, super- sub- woofers, seismic noise generators, etc. )6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better. 7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home. 8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house. 9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands. 10. The complete set- up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at...

A man walks into a shop. " You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo? " " You're a drummer, aren't you? " " Yeah. How'd you know? " " This is a travel agency. "

Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm. Q: What's a tuba for? A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2. Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving? A: The policemanTuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so. Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins. Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a " tuba glue. "

Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, " I can do that! " Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again. Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list. Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn! Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A: A Chopin Liszt. Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? A: A pair of Re- bachs. Q: What do you call a male quartet? A: Three men and a tenor.

Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured? A: One is far more painful to your ears. Q: What's the name of a good English horn player? A: I'll tell you when I meet one. Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder. Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn? A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

Q: What is a chord? A: Three violists playing in unison. Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto? A: Music Minus One. Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure. Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola? A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes. Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please. Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers. Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola? A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet. Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola? A: A violator. Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: A semi- tone. Q: Why are violas so large? A: It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the viola player's heads are so small. Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories? A: Violists. Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q: Why can't you hear...

Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. St. Peter: Hi, what's your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Roger: 60K. St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? Roger: I was an accountant. St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? John: My name is John. St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John: About $ 23, 000. St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Q: What's the definition of a minor second? A: Two flutes playing a unison. Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories? A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes. Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute? A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about. The oboe player says, " He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed! " " Well? " says the stage manager to the viola player. " What do you say to that? " In umbrage, the viola player replies, " He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones! "

All of the following songs may be played on a touch- tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes. Mary Had A Little Lamb3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321 Jingle Bells333, 333, 39123, 666- 663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666- 6633, 399621 Frere Jacques1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9* 9631, 9* 9631, 111, 111 Olympic Fanfare3- 9- 91231, 2222- 32112312, 3- 9- 91231, 2222- 32112321 The Butterfly Song963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621 Happy Birthday112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can't march. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A: A goalpost that can't march. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: " Hi. I did that piece in junior high. " Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? A: Have them miss every other note. Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy? A: You can tune a '57 Chevy. Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other? A: " Hi. I played that last year. "

There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie. " For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes! " he said. The violist thought for a moment and replied, " Make me a far better musician than I am now. " The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie. " You have two more wishes! " he said. " I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now! " Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out...

Q: How do you make him stop playing? A: Put notes on it! Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist? A: Pick on someone your own size! Q: What's the definition of a minor second? A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison. Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? A: Counterpoint. Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer? A: Give him a sheet of music. Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, " Not bad, but I could've done better". Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? A: Would you like fries with that? Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond? A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money! Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola? A: A viola burns longer. Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin? A: It is usually still in the case. Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed. Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola? A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger. Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate. Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? A: Put it in a viola case. Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathizers. Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them. Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one- upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor. 1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch- pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice- versa. 2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 3. Bury your head in the music just before cues. 4. Ask for a re- audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour. 5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose. 6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time. 7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 8....