Instrument Jokes

A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line

The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one- upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor. 1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch- pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice- versa. 2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. 3. Bury your head in the music just before cues. 4. Ask for a re- audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour. 5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose. 6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time. 7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. 8....

Harmonica jokes

Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

Vocal jokes

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All- Pro offensive lineman? A: Stage makeup. Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche. Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale. A: She was known as the deep C diva. Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape? A: The baritone. Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor? A: About 10 pounds. Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice. Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off- key that even the other tenors could tell? Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, " It's too high for him. " Q: What's the inscription on dead blues- singers tombstones? A: " I didn't wake up this morning…" Person...

Accordion jokes

An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats. Q: What is the definition of an optimist? A: An accordion player with a pager. Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds. Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive? A: Their personalities. Q: What's the range of an accordion? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! Q: What's a gentleman? A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion? A: No- one cries when you chop up an accordion. Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathisers. Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch? A: When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina? A: The accordion takes longer to burn. Q: How do you protect a valuable instrument? A: Hide it in an accordion case. Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map. Q: What's the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A: A chainsaw can be tuned. Q: Why is it good that accordionists have a half- ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.

Harp jokes

A harp is a nude piano. A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune. Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Arriving at Heaven

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, " Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life? " The soprano answers, " Three. " " Three times, fellows! " says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle. " Ow! What was that for? " asks the soprano. Pete explains, " Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth. " " Oh, " says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. " Oh my goodness, what is that? " asks the soprano, horrified. " Oh, " says Pete, " that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine. "

Bagpipe jokes

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise. Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper? A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too. Bagpipes (noun) – I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man- made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. – Alfred Hitchcock Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A. Shoot one. Q. What's the definition of a minor second? A. Two bagpipes playing in unison. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe. Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital. Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes? A. The GHB burns longer [but the...

Harpsichord jokes

The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like " two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

Banjo jokes

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but all the others gathered around will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it. Q: How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level? A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor? A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard. Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors! Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? A: They make good paddles. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: A chain saw has a dynamic range. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? A: You can turn off a chainsaw. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley- Davidson motorcycle? A: You can tune a Harley. Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? A: An Uzi only repeats 40 times. Q: Why does everyone hate a banjo right off? A: Saves time. Q: Why is the banjo player a...

Oboe jokes

Q: How do you get five oboes in tune? A: Shoot four of them. Q: What are burning oboes used for? A: To set bassoons on fire. Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation? A: Because most oboes are full of holes. Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A- flat? A: Steal his batteries.

Orchestra jokes

Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms! Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand. Q: Why are conductors'hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use.

Bass jokes

Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one – but the guitarist has to show him first. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. Q: Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? A: It took him four hours to get the bass player out. Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The piano player can do that with his left hand. The annoying drumsThis guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks " Wow, this is cool. " He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He tries to go to sleep, yet he hears drums. This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. When he gets there, he asks the manager, " Hey!...

Organ jokes

Q: Why are organists like a broken- winded cab horse? A: They are always longing for another stop. Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning? A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice. Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat miner. Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base? A: A flat major. Q: Why is an 11- foot concert grand better than a studio upright? A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff. Q: Why was the organ invented? A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer. Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments? A: He puts his Leslie on " slow". The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

George Bernard Shaw

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. " Dominoes, " he replied.

Bassoon jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from the bassoon recital. Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? A: The bassoon burns longer. Q: What is a burning oboe good for? A: Setting a bassoon on fire. Q: Which burns better, an oboe or a bassoon? A: A bassoon; there's more wood! Q: How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation. Q: What are oboes good for? A: Kindling when burning basoons

Piano jokes

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor. Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A: A flat major. Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller? A: Be flat, major. Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? A: See flat major. Q: What key is " Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? A: C sharp or B flat. Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A: A sharp major. Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music? A: A natural major. Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? A: Root position cords.

Playing music

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk. Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out. One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

Cello jokes

Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside. Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists. Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.

Efficiency

From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor. After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations: 1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate. 2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less- skilled players with only marginal loss of precision. 3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency. 4. In so labour- intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments. Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear...

Clarinet jokes

Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who has his or her own alto clarinet. Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A: So they can park in the handicap zones. Q: What do you call a bass- clarinetist with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. Q: How do know a clarinet player is playing loud? A: You can almost hear them. Q: How do you get a clarinet player to play louder? A: You can't!

That was no piccolo

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, " Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night? " The other replies, " That was no piccolo, that was my fife. "

Musical jokes

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song. Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back. Disco is to music what Etch- A- Sketch is to art. Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole. After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible. Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

Drum joke Q & A

Q: Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade. Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? A: The knocking gets slower. Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? A: The knocking gets faster. Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? A: The bass player notices. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummer. Q: What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. Q: What did the drummer get on his I. Q. test? A: Drool. If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.

Saxophone jokes

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: It's all in the grip. Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it. Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? A: Vibrato. Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it. Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in- tune tenor sax player, an out- of- tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out- of- tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two. Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari- sax? A: Add vibrato. Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty- nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock

From " Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It's hosted by Ed McMahon. 9. " Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups. 8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables. 7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan. 6. One word: polkas. 5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls. 4. " Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents. 3. They're playing " May we turn the hose on you, please? " [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose. ]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage- diving. 1. The crowd is chanting, " Tito! Tito! Tito! "

Which drummer?

There's a five pound note on the floor. Of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time, who picks it up? The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist, and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

Trombone jokes

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes. Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes. Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't. Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet? A: A trombone will bend before it breaks. Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this? A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig. Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works. Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

Glossary of music terms

Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e. g. " Y'all sang that real good! " Accidentals: Wrong notesAd Libitum: A premiere. Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a piece. Agnus dei: A famous female church composer. Allegro: Leg fertilizer. Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed. Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions. Augmented fifth: A 36- ounce bottle. Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two. Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin. Bravo: Literally, " How bold! " or " What nerve! " This is a spontaneous expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a particularly trying performance. Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow. Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom. Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't. Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera " Frottola". Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes. Chansons de geste: Dirty songs. Chord: Usually spelled with an " s" on the...

What is your IQ?

Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he'll ask his guests what their I. Q. is- – hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I. Q. is. " 200, 000" replies the first guest. " Well, that's great, " says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics. Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party, someone else is at the door. " Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. Q.? " The new guest responds with " 250". " Great, " says Bob. " Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile. Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. " Hi, my name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your I. Q.? " This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it " five". " Well, that's great, " says Bob, " what kind of drumsticks do you use? "

Trumpet jokes

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, " I could do that better. Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive. Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One. Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? A: " Hi. I'm better than you. " Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!

How to buy a stero

1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100. 2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music. 3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool. 4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e. g. pre- amp, pre- pre- amp, pre- menstrual- amp, post- amp, post- menopause- amp, etc. )5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub- speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e. g. tweeters, hooters, sub- woofers, super- sub- woofers, seismic noise generators, etc. )6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better. 7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home. 8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house. 9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands. 10. The complete set- up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at...

Looking to buy

A man walks into a shop. " You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremolo? " " You're a drummer, aren't you? " " Yeah. How'd you know? " " This is a travel agency. "

Tuba jokes

Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm. Q: What's a tuba for? A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2. Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving? A: The policemanTuba Player: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so. Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins. Q: How do you fix a broken tuba? A: With a " tuba glue. "