Computing Jokes

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT& T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT& T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle- class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America....

Software development cycle

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug- free. 2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. 4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. 5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4. 6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly- optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. 7. Users find 137 new bugs. 8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. 9. Newly- assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. 10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. 11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. 12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch. 13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug- free.

Actual calls to technical support

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, " I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: " Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe. " A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power- saving feature known as " hibernate. " Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked. Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5. 25- inch diskettes, but she had only a 3. 5- inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3. 5- inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3. 5- inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a...

Instructions for Microsoft's TV dinner

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv. dinn. //08. 5min@ @ 50% heat//Then enter: ms//start. cook_dindin/yummy/yum~yum: – )gohot# cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms. no. good/tryagainagain/again. crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big,...

Microsoft renames itself

NewsflashMicrosoft today announced that it will be changing its name to " Moft" – – which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2, 800, 000 copies of the word " Microsoft", in copyright notices, end- user licence agreements, 'About'screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard- disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. " Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk, " said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. " But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $ 50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange'may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'. E- mail this joke to your friends!

Customer support logs

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee: Support: " Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you? " Customer: " Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. " Support: " What sort of trouble? " Customer: " Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. ", Support: " Went away? " Customer: " They disappeared. " Support: " Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? " Customer: " Nothing. " Support: " Nothing? " Customer: " It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type. " Support: " Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? " Customer: " How do I tell? " Support: " Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? " Customer: " What's a sea- prompt? " Support: " Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? " Customer: " There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. " Support: " Does your monitor have a power indicator? " Customer: " What's a monitor? " Support: " It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? " Customer: " I don't know. " Support: " Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into...

100 Buckets of Bits

100 Buckets of Bits100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus….

Would you define OCR?

OCR – Optical Character RecognitionA technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer- readable form, provided they're in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you're prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1's that came out as l's, all the O's that came out as 0's, and all the: 's that come out like; 's.

Girlfriend 1.0 software

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3. 1 to GirlFriendPlus1. 0 (marketing name: Fiancee1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1. 0 to Wife1. 0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1. 0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1. 0 came with Plug- Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well- being of the computer. Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4. 0: 1. A " Don't remind me again" button. 2. Minimize button. 3. Shutdown feature – An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4. 0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects). I tried running Girlfriend 2. 0 with Girlfriend 1. 0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1. 0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks- – in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally " object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. Bug warningWife 1. 0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1. 1 before uninstalling Wife 1. 0, Wife...

Bill Gates can choose his punishment

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, " Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go. " Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, " Could you briefly explain the difference between the two? " Looking slightly puzzled, God said, " Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell? " Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, " I think I'll try Hell first. " So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell. When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean...

There was life before the computer

An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with ageA CD was a bank account! And if you had a broken disk, It would hurt when you found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a fileAnd if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse livedAnd a backup happened to your commode! Cut- – you did with a pocket knifePaste you did with glueA web was a spider's homeAnd a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my headI hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Microsoft trademarks TM

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol By Vince Sabio HumourNet Communications, Ltd. REDMOND, Wash (UPI) – Software and marketing giant Microsoft Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights to the well- known " trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as " tm" in most print media. The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names that have not yet been registered with the U. S. Patent and Trademark Office. " It was a natural, " commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's Ministry of Information. " Several of us were sitting around after a board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a country or two in South America, as kind of a follow- up to Sun Microsystems'trademark- infringement claim against The Island Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no countries named 'ActiveX. 'We talked about changing the name of 'ActiveX'to 'Chile'or 'Brazil'- – which would also help distance it from all those recently- uncovered security holes – – when someone joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd just trademark the trademark symbol. " Schexnader continued, " At first, we all just laughed – – but one look at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and Trademark...

Write your code in C

WRITE IN C (sung to The Beatles " Let it Be" )When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me, Speaking words of wisdom: " Write in C. " As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see, Somewhere, someone whispers" " Write in C. " Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C. LISP is dead and buried, Write in C. I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly. Try using it for graphics! Write in C. If you've just spent nearly 30 hoursDebugging some assembly, Soon you will be glad toWrite in C. Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C. Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C. Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C. { Guitar Solo}Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C. And when the screen is fuzzy, And the edior is bugging me. I'm sick of ones and zeroes. Write in C. A thousand people people swear that T. P. Seven is the one for me. I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C. Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C. PL1...

AOL addiction poem

My computer broke down. It crashed and burned! And for my AOL, I really yearned! I tried to stay busy…And keep it off my mind. It was worse than cigarettes, at least butts I can find!! So I went to Wal- Mart, and got on their pc. The cashier in electronics was staring at me. But I didn't care. I had to get on line! Check my mail, and see what buddies I can find. I drew a crowd as I began to cry. I couldn't find the password no matter how hard I tried! I need my AOL!! I got to have my fix!! Go to my favorite places, check out some cool pics. The cashier called Security! I heard her whisper low, " We have ourselves a Psycho here and she has got to go! " Security rushed over. Not long did he stall. Obviously he has never suffered from AOL withdrawal. He slapped cuffs on my wrists and threw me out the door! Then he looked at me and said, " Don't come round here no more! " I feel so embarrassed!! I have sunk so low! To be kicked out of Wal- Mart…. How low can I go? So I'll try really hard now to rid myself of this affliction. Get rid of these bad habits and my AOL addiction!

Floppy disk care

By following the instructions below, you should have error- free, long- lasting floppy disks. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. " Big" diskettes may be folded and used in " little" disk drives. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains...

Hacker syndrome

There is some compelling force in all Hackers that seems to draw them to their computers every day. Why they get up at 4am to use the modem, and why they continue to rack up a truly incredible phone bill is beyond me. Most computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well. There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, " Let's get Digital", " We all live in a yellow subroutine", and " Somewhere over the RAMbow". Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD. All Hackers, big or small, love...

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…

The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X- Files would have an episode about them.

Microsoft buys church

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic ChurchVATICAN CITY (AP) – – In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice- president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice- presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates. " We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years, " said Gates. " The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people. " Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on- line service, " we will make the sacraments available on- line for the first time" and revive the popular pre- Counter- Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. " You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution – – even reduce your time in Purgatory – – all without leaving your home. " A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a...

A list of redneck computer terms

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods. Bar code – Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern. Bug – The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick. Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. Cache – Needed when you go to da store. Chip – Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name. Terminal – Time to call da undertaker. Crash – When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital – The art of counting on your fingers. Diskette – A female Disco dancer. Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking. Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac – Big Bob's favorite fast food. Megahertz – How your head feels after seventeen beers. Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network – Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test. Rom – Where the pope lives. Screen – Helps keep the skeeters off the porch. Serial port – A red wine you drink with breakfast. Superconductor – Amtrak's Employee of the year. Scsi – What you call your week- old underwear.

Waiting on a long line

The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate. At one point she wailed " Oh no, NOW what do I do? It just rang up sixty- four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten- dollar sale! " Suprisingly, the customers in front of me didn't seem too upset by the delay. Some even chuckled sympathetically. It wasn't until I got near the front of the line that I saw the neatly hand- lettered sign in front of the register: WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING BATTLE WITH OUR NEW COMPUTER FOR CONTROL OF THE STORE- – – WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

Ode to spell checkers

ODE TO A SPELL CHECKERby Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker. It came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker's Hour spelling mite decline, And if we're lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault's with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word's fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw's are knot aloud. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft wear four pea seas, And why eye brake in two averse Buy righting want too pleas.

Microsoft versus GM

Microsoft vs. GMAt a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, " If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty- five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal. " Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, " Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day? " And… 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re- install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought " Car95" or " CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator...

Mailing list users changing light bulbs

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Exactly five hundred. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 21 to flame the spell checkers. 49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list. 20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt. lite. bulb. 69 to demand that cross posting to alt. grammar, alt. spelling and alt. punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list. 106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 8 to post that the URLs were...

How to shoot yourself in the foot

Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot. Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette. BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off. BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher. C+ +: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible. COBOL: USE HANDGUN. COLT(45), AIM AT LEG. FOOT, THEN WITH ARM. HAND. FINGER ON HANDGUN. COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN. COLT TO HIP. HOLSTER. cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C. dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets. Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception- processing was anticipated. Modula- 2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun. Pascal: Same as Modula- 2, except the bullet is...

If the NSA ran Christmas…

Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

Airplanes running operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them. DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up. OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged- – with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash. Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever. NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses,...

The technical geek test

Are you a tehcnical geek? Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno- Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno- Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes. You know you are a tehcnical geek when… When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply " Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs! " When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD. When you are counting objects " 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A, B, C, D…". When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a " mega- nap". When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, " You really should go for the DX, it has...

New product cuts stress

From " Machine Design" Magazine……Byte BatAll too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in. It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to " strike back" at computers. Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine " Byte Bat User Button, " one multi- color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that " This computer- friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat. "

Computer used too long

You know you have been on the computer too long when…When you are counting objects, you go " 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, A, B, C, D…". When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says " If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you! ", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page. When you look for your car keys using: " grep keys /dev/pockets" When you look for your homework using: " grep homework /dev/backpack" When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. When you get in the elevator and double- press the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors…. You're writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '', and continue writing...

Some possible computer bumper stickers

1. BREAKFAST. COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)8. Backups? We don'* NEED* no steenking backups. 9. E Pluribus Modem10….. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny12. CONGRESS. SYS Corrupted: Re- boot Washington D. C (Y/N)? 13. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. 15. SENILE. COM found… Out Of Memory… 16. RAM disk is * not* an installation procedure. 17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…18. COFFEE. EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! 20. E- mail returned to sender – – insufficient voltage. 21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 22. " 640K ought to be enough for anybody. " – Bill Gates, 198123. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…25. REALITY. SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)27. Hit any user to continue. 28. Disk Full – Press F1 to belch. 29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Twas the night before crisis

Twas the night before crisis, And all through the house, Not a program was working, Not even a browse. Programmers were wrung out, Too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutoverHadn't a prayer. The users were nestledAll snug in their beds, While visions of inquiriesDanced in their heads. When out in the lobbyThere arose such a clatter, That I sprang from my tubeTo see what was the matter. And what to my wonderingEyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, Oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, His programs they cameAnd he whistled and shoutedAnd called them by name. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, His fingers were lean, From weekends and nightsSpent in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to knowI had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, Then he turned with a jerk. And laying his fingersUpon the ENTER key, The system came up, And worked perfectly! The updates updated; The deletes they deleted; The inquiries inquired; And the closing completed. He tested each whistle, He tested each bell, With nary an abend, And all had gone well. The system was finished, The tests were concluded, The client's last changesWere even included! And the...

Real software engineers eat quiche.

Real software engineers eat quiche. Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get " close to the machine. " Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out. ) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days. Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their...