Computing Jokes

WinErr 001: Windows loaded – System in danger WinErr 002: No Error – Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error – Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted – System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error – Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error – Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered – God knows what happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space – Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed – Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open – Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open – Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed – Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error – Huh? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error – System destroyed. Buy new one. WinErr 019: User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: OS overwritten – Please reinstall all software. WinErr 01B: Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a...

If architects had to work like programmers… Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty- five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra- cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail. )Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up- to- date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however,...

You would be able to hang over 64, 000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double- clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the above doesn't help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and...

10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is " Huntin". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD- ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a " critter".

I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them: Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute " furniture store" if you don't know what " Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this. Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table. You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like. C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top. Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today. C: OK, how can I get it back to my house? Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one. C: But how do get there? Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from? C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next? And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same: C: But all I want is...

The Information Highway BluesMy baby's got my 486. My cellular phone's on the blink. My fax's gone off to fax heaven, And Pay For View stinks. I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues. I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. I lost my account on the Internet. My email's been revoked. My modem's stuck at 300 baud, And my terminal just blinks. I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues. I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. My head spins from Virtual Reality. I don't have Video on demand. I can't read my Personal Newspaper, And Shop At Home has kinks. I missed the on- ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues. I missed the onnnn- ramp, to the Information Highway blues. Jack " Blues" Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $ 20, 000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, " Oh, puh- leeez" 95 times during the movie " The Net" 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half- cent increments. 3. Video dating profile lists " public- key encryption" among turn- ons2. When his computer starts up, you hear, " Good Morning, Mr. President. " 1. You hear him murmur, " Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk. "

At the time of writing, Microsoft's slogan for Windows 95 was " Where do you want to go today? " These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows. 1. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 give you the whole house. 2. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle. 3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell. 4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows. 5. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS. 6. Error # 152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance. 7. Windows 3. 1: The best $ 89 solitaire game you can buy. 8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty. 9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying. 10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better 11. My lastest screen- saver: Curtains for Windows. 12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows! 13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates. 14. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [A]solutely [O]f Course! 15. How do you want to crash today?

The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz- crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

10. Lower corner of screen has the words " Etch- a- sketch" on it. 9. It's celebrity spokesman is that " Hey Vern! " guy. 8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. 7. It's slogan is " Pentium: redefining mathematics". 6. The " quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. 5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. 4. The screen often displays the message, " Ain't it break time yet? " 3. The manual contains only one sentence: " Good Luck! " 2. The only chip inside is a Dorito. 1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88- 570471In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately. RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS: 1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password. 2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords. 3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password. 4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March. 5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters...

The Net is SlowOh, the network outside is frightful, But on campus, it's so delightful, Our packets have nowhere to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. It doesn't show signs of stopping, All our packets, our hosts are dropping; Bandwidth is turned way down low, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow. When we finally connect to a site, It's time to go back to the dorm; But if I could stay here all night, I could submit their Web form. The network is slowly dying, And, I fear, we're still denying, But as long as Sprint is the way to go, Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

Our Morning Prayer… Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name; Thy code be clean, Thy fonts be seen On screen as they are on paper. Give us this day our documents, And lead us not into fragmentation But deliver us our data. For thine is the SCSI, And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever, Amen.

Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. Thou shalt remember thy name and password. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. Honor thy SysOp. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning. Thou shalt use the English language properly. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages. Thou shalt help other users. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice- only communications. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into...

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine. 2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end. 3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it. 4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program. 5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest “foo''someone someday shall type “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''. 6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest “it cannot happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance. 7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re- invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive. 8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by...

he staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream " Oh my God! They've found me! " and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the " Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top- secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say " Just in case…" mysteriously. 12. Type...

Picard " Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways? " Geordi " Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth- century computing technology. " Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen. Riker looks puzzled. " What in the world is 'Microsoft'? " Data turns to answer. " Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate. " Picard " But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity? " Data " Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows'detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions. " Picard " Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape'idea. " Fifteen minutes later… Data " Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows'in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed...

The Life Cycle of SoftwareProgrammer produces code he believes is bug- free. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs. See 3. See 4. See 5. See 6. See 7. See 8. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre- mature product announcement based on over- optimistic programming schedule, the product is released. Users find 137 new bugs. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found. Newly- assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch. Programmer produces code he believes is bug- free. See step 2

Surfin'the NetSo I think I'm in the clearthe boss is no where in sightI logon to the web and start to surfand then my hair stands up with frightthe footsteps coming down the hallare quickening in pacethere is no time to exitno way to save my faceso I press the power buttonand relax just a bitthere is no way he can tellexactly what I hitI act all surpriseddon't know why my machine died" simply unpredictable thesecomputers are! " I cried" So we'll get you a new onea computer that won't crash" he exclaimsDo you think he'll wonderwhen the new one acts the same?

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels. 9. When was the last time you tuned in to " Melrose Place" and got a " Error 404" message? 8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV- – even on MTV. 7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening. 6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard. 5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an " Under Construction" sign. 4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in. 3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web. 2. Set- top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO. 1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

ADA: A Dumb ArrangementADA: A Dumb AcronymADA: A Dumb AnnoyanceBASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic CodersBASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical CodeBASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite ConfusionC: CrudC: ConfusingCOBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused LanguageCOBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated LanguageCOBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated LanguagesCOBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunaticsCOBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our LethargyCOBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our LoathingCOBOL: Compiles Only Because Of LuckCOBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized LanguageCOBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed LunaticsFORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never- neverlandLISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid ParenthesesLISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous ParenthesesPASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

You kiss your girlfriend's home page. A VRML virtual walk through a park is your idea of a good date. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28. 8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. You start introducing yourself as " Jim at I- I- Net dot net dot au Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e- mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page. Your dog's...

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size. 9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas. 8. The U. S. government would get subsidies from an automaker- – a first. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single " General Car Fault" warning light. 6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar- powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. 4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT – but then you would have to buy more seats. 3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal. 2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car. 1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

Humorous Computer- Related AcronymsIBM I Blame Microsoft Idiots Buy Me Idiots Building Machines I'll Buy Macintoshes It Bit Me It Built Microsoft It's Better Manually I've Been Mislead I've Been Mugged WINDOWS Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed When I Need Data Output Without Speed While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WIN Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware MS- WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT My Solitaire With Its New De- accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology Well Intended, Netword De- accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan Different Operating Systems ExpectationsMacintosh: What You See Is What You Get MS- DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not Random Abbreviations for Many Computer CompaniesAPPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit- Losing Entity DEC: Dump Everything and Close DEC: Do Expect Cuts HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic HP: Hot Pursuit IBM: I Blame Microsoft MAC: Most Absurd Computer MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. WARP: What A Rot Program Acronymns for Other Computer Terms: AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control CD- ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language...

User(To the tune of Beck's " Loser" )In the day of sysop nerds I was a flunkieJolt in my brains and body feeling chunkyWith the plastic mouse balls spray paint the CommodoreSystem install with the hard drive on the floorKill the process and put it in /dev/nullEmail flaming with the user hitting D- controlShell's called Reno and it's written in CGot a couple of xterms, keys set to repeatRoot came sayin'I'm insane to complainAbout an online wedding and a stain on my screenDon't believe everything that you make(1)You get a cracker from Europe and a login that's fakeSo write your code in Perl in the darkSaving all your hacks for working at a tech parkYo – punch itSo – dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me? (Double dense floppy)So – dumping coreI'm a user, baby, so why don't you kill(1) me? Forces of evil in a MUD/MOO nightmareBan all the members in a phony # chat channel 'causeOne's got a handle and the other's got a. planOne online spammed the other and ranWith the FTP and the insane print jobThe daytime crap of the alt. test slobHe hung himself with a call to pingTwenty milliseconds and it's spitting out another stringRTFM if you can't relateTrade the Sun for a car and the Web for a dateAnd MIME is a nifty hack for mailing to a newbieThat's choking on my MPEGsSo...

Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? " I know, " said the Branch Manager, " Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. " " No, no, " said the Hardware Engineer, " That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. " " Well, " said the Software Engineer, " Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. "

They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present- processing. Receiving presents would take about 24- 36 hours of mainframe processing time.

AAC Alter All CommandsAAD Alter All DataAAO Add And OverflowAAR Alter At RandomAB Add BackwardsABC AlphaBetize CodeABR Add Beyond RangeACC Advance CPU ClockACDC Allow Controller to Delete ContentsACDP Allow Controller to Die PeacefullyACQT Advance Clock to Quitting TimeADB Another Dumb BugAEE Absolve Engineering ErrorsAFF Add Fudge FactorAFHB Align Fullword on Halfword BoundaryAFP Abnormalize Floating PointAFR Abort Funny RoutineAFVC Add Finagle's Variable ConstantAGB Add GarBageAGWA Add and Get Wrong AnswerAI Add ImproperAIB Attack Innocent BystanderAIB Attack Innocent BystandersAISG Access and Improve Student GradeAMM Add Mayo and MustardAMM Answer My MailAMS Add Memory to SystemANC ANnoy ConsultantAOI Annoy Operator ImmediateAR Advance RudelyAR Alter RealityARN Add and Reset to Non- zeroARN Add and Reset to NonzeroARZ Add and Reset to ZeroAS Add SidewaysASQGSA ASCII Stupid Question, Get a Stupid ANSIAT Accumulate TriviaAWP Argue With ProgrammerAWTT Assemble With Tinker ToysBA Branch AnywhereBAC Branch to Alpha CentauriBAD Branch And DieBAD Branch to Auto DestructBAF Blow All FusesBAH Branch And HangBALC Branch And Link CheeseburgerBAP Branch And PuntBAW Bells And WhistlesBB Branch on BugBBBB Byte Baudy Bit and BranchBBBF Branch on Bit Bucket FullBBD Branch on Bastille DayBBI Branch on Burned- out IndicatorBBIL Branch on Burned- out Indicator LightBBLB Branch on Blinking Light BulbBBT Branch on Binary TreeBBW Branch Both WaysBCB Burp and Clear BytesBCF Branch on Chip box FullBCIL Branch Creating Infinite LoopBCR Backspace Card ReaderBCS Branch and Crash SystemBCU Be Cruel and UnusualBD Backspace DiskBD Branch to DataBDC...

Why are there so many, users of Windows? Don't people have any pride? Windows is useless, and designed by morons, and Windows had got DOS inside. But some don't care and continue to use it. I know they're wrong, wait and see. Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection, the users, and Bill Gates, and me. Who said that every bug, would be found but left there? It seems so strange and bizarre. Microsoft thought of that, and millions accept it, look what it's done, so far. What's so amazing are all the delays inthe replacement for Windows 3. Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection, the users, and Bill Gates, and me. All of us under its spell, we know that it's utterly tragic…Have you been not saving, and then torn your hair out, because of a G. P. fault? Is this the error, that occurs most often, and causes your system to halt? I've seen it too many times to ignore it, I think it is just s'posed to be. Someday we'll see it, the Windows rejection, the users, and Bill Gates, and me. la, da da, lee, da la loo, a, la, la la, la lee la roo!

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX. Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? Abbott: Yes, that's correct. Costello: No, what is it? Abbott: Yes. Costello: So, which is the one? Abbott: No. 'which'is used to find the program. Costello: Stop this. Who are you? Abbott: Use 'who am i'not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'to get information about 'yoo'. Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code? Abbott: Use 'what'. Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true? Abbott: No. 'true'gives you 0. Costello: Which one? Abbott: 'true'gives you 0. 'which programname'Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it? Abbott: Type 'find / – name it – print'to find 'it'. Type 'what program'to get the revision code. Costello: I want to find the revision code. Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'. Costello: Which command will do what I need? Abbott: No. 'which command'will find 'command'. Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that. Abbott: You can 'write that'only if 'that'is a user on your system. Costello: Write what? Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'. Costello: Cut that out! Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options. Costello: Do you always do this? Abbott: 'du'will give you disk usage. Costello:...

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS: As depicted in movies, Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space- bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch- high letters. High- tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text- bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing " ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing " UPLOAD VIRUS" (see " Fortress" ). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The * really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot- matrix printer. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data....

Top nine reasons computers must be male: They have a lot of data but are still clueless. A better model is always just around the corner. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. It is always necessary to have a backup. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. The lights are on but nobody's home. Big power surges knock them out for the night. Size does matter