There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole – – he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole – – fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, " I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again! " The hole digger replied, " Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today. "
Idiot and fool jokes
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. " But I think I know where I'm going wrong, " said the idiot. " I think I am planting them too deep. "
Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says " I want four budgies. " Salesman- certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie- I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman- certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr… Newfie – I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? Salesman – O. K. O. K. The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom. The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says " What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be! "
QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep? ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it!
One idiot said to the other, " You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
What do you call a stupid skeleton? Bonehead.
Did you hear about the stupid water- polo player? His horse drowned…
Young Bradley arrived at his date's house wearing a shirt that had water dripping from it. " What're you doin'? " asked his girlfriend. " How come your shirt is soakin'wet? " " Well, " said Bradley, " it said on the label: WASH AND WEAR. "
Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.
Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!
Titus was on a Knoxville elevator with several other people. As the elevator moved up, he stared at the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling. " It's amazing, " he said to the other people, " that such a small fan could lift all these people! "
During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. " Ah heard the boys is gonna strike, " he said. " What fer? " asked Pyle. " Shorter hours. " " Good fer them! " said the redneck. " Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour! "
Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away? Because it had a hole in the middle.
Did you hear about the stupid wizard? He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.
Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.
Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing. " File the beak just a little, " said the owner, " and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die. " Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. " He died, " said Calvin. " But I told you not to file the beak too much. " " I didn't, " explained Calvin, " but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead. "
Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty- two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?
" What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? " " He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise. "
Did you hear about the idiot who planted Cheerios in his backyard? He thought they were donut seeds.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot? He flew 57 missions!
Did you hear about the stupid woodworm? He was found in a brick.
Q: How many idiots who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Change it to what?
Guidry called in Plotke, the painter, for an estimate to paint his house. " How much you gonna charge me? " asked Guidry. " Twenty dollars an hour, " replied Plotke. " Good Lord! " exclaimed the home owner. " I wouldn't pay Michelangelo that price! " " I tell you one thing, mister, " said the painter. " If that guy you mentioned is doin'the job for less, he ain't no member of our union! "
And then there was the Newfie who was found dead in his jail cell with twelve bumps on his head. He'd tried to hang himself with a rubber band.
Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?
Did you hear about the Oklahoma idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.
I live in a semi- rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit? So he could tell the time at night!
What do stupid kids do at Halloween? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins.
Housekeeper: Professor, there's a bill collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't believe me. Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and tell him myself.
Delmer: How'd you like the play last night over at the high school? Parley: I only seed the first act, but not the second. Delmer: Why didn't you stay? Parley: I couldn't wait that long. It said on the program, 'Two Years Later. '
Did you hear about the Finn who spent a fortune building a storm cellar in case there was an earthquake.
Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?