Idiot and fool jokes

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear? Shot it!

One idiot said to the other, " You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole – – he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole – – fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, " I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again! " The hole digger replied, " Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today. "

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. " But I think I know where I'm going wrong, " said the idiot. " I think I am planting them too deep. "

Two newfies walked into a pet store. The first says " I want four budgies. " Salesman- certainly sir, would you like two male and two female or all male or all female? Newfie- I don't care. I just want 4 budgies! Salesman- certainly sir, what color would you like? We have yellow, blue, gr… Newfie – I don't care what color they are, just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard? Salesman – O. K. O. K. The two newfies pay for the budgies and leave. They drive out to this high cliff in Newfoundland and the first newfie reaches in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. Of course he SPLATS at the bottom. The second newfie looks down at his friend's twisted remains and says " What a shame. this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up to be! "

QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep? ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.

Two men were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away. " Why do you keep throwing nails away" said the other. " Because they have the point at the wrong end", he replied " You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house! "

How do you confuse an idiot? Give him two spades and ask him to take his pick.

Did you hear about the dimwit who went to visit his girlfriend and found she didn't have very much on? He went back nine months later and she had a little moron.

Did you hear about the Iranian terrorist who switched off the fans of his stolen helicopter because he couldn't stand the draft?

What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U. S.

Did you hear about the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their burnt- out light bulbs. He wanted to start a dark room.

The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark. Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, " How cum yer wearin'two jackets? " " 'Cause, " said the redneck, " the directions on the can say ta put on two coats! "

Sister: Why are you putting the saddle on backward? Brother: How do you know which way I'm going?

What did the stupid ghost do? He used to climb over walls.

A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, " Don't dive? there's no water in that pool! " " That's all right, " said the man. " I can't swim! "

What has eight legs and an IQ of forty? Four guys watching a baseball game.

The Albanian planted lightbulbs in his garden. He heard that tulips grew from bulbs.

Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to swim the English channel? Halfway across he decided he couldn't make it so he swam back.

Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter, Kilby and Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh, Sumter and Kilby boosted Grayson so he could take a look. " Looks like one of them nudist camps, " reported Grayson. " Men or women? " asked Pugh. " Can't tell, " said Grayson. " They don't have no clothes on. "

Kennen was having a drink in a saloon when his neighbor, Stakely, came rushing in. " Ah think somebody's stealin'yore pickup truck! " the man said breathlessly. Kennan ran outside, but came back right away. " Well, did yew stop him? " asked Stakely. " Naw! " said the redneck. " He was too fast. But Ah got his license plate before he got away! "

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack. The younger guy says to the old man, " Watcha got in the sack? " The old man responds, " I got some monkeys in that there sack. " The younger man asks, " If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one? " The old man replies, " Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em! "

What do you call a stupid skeleton? Bonehead.

Did you hear about the stupid water- polo player? His horse drowned…

Young Bradley arrived at his date's house wearing a shirt that had water dripping from it. " What're you doin'? " asked his girlfriend. " How come your shirt is soakin'wet? " " Well, " said Bradley, " it said on the label: WASH AND WEAR. "

Why are Canadians given only a half hour for lunch? They don't want to have to retrain them.

Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother? Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!

Titus was on a Knoxville elevator with several other people. As the elevator moved up, he stared at the small fan revolving slowly in the elevator ceiling. " It's amazing, " he said to the other people, " that such a small fan could lift all these people! "

During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. " Ah heard the boys is gonna strike, " he said. " What fer? " asked Pyle. " Shorter hours. " " Good fer them! " said the redneck. " Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour! "

Why did Silly Sue throw her guitar away? Because it had a hole in the middle.

Did you hear about the stupid wizard? He couldn't remember if he used to be forgetful.

Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing. " File the beak just a little, " said the owner, " and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die. " Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. " He died, " said Calvin. " But I told you not to file the beak too much. " " I didn't, " explained Calvin, " but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead. "

Did you hear about the guy from Newfoundland who was twenty- two years old before he knew which part of the olive to throw away?

" What did Shawn like most about his trip to Paris? " " He said it was lovely to hear the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise. "