Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you'd better watch out… there's a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.
Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon- entry my dear watson.
Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.
Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul- di- locks'!
Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can't do that one. He hasn't said what size his crocodile takes!
What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.
Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. 'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year, 'her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want? 'The little girl said, 'It's wonderful, mother…just what I wanted. There's just one thing wrong! ''What's that? 'her mother asked. 'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw – but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws! 'Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there. 'Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie d about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws. When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or...
Father Christmas: I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That's Little Red Robin Hood'!
What's Christmas called in England? Yule Britannia!
ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.
It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. " Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves? " Well, Santa is very busy and so he's slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, " Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get some work done. " He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. " Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them? " Santa snaps, " Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't you see I'm trying to get ready? I don't want any more interruptions! " But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, " Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it? " And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange l on top of the Christmas tree.
Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees! Father Christmas: You mean 'The Three Little Figs'.
What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
" Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? " " He said it was too tight. "
Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That's called 'The Wizard of Ooze'!
How long does it take to burn a candle down? About a wick!
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long- distance runners on each side.
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.
What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game? Mean- opoly.
One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That's how he got the name Saint Knickerless!
JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
What's the most popular wine at Christmas? " I don't like sprouts! "
What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song? 'Oh comb all ye faithful'
What does Father Christmas call his money? Iced lolly?
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations? Santa Clues.
A football supporter's favourite Christmas song? 'Yule never walk alone'
I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh- driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory. 'Have you passed? 'I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. 'See for yourself! 'he called proudly. 'No- el plates! '
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!